PICKLES

Dominion, Volume 23, Issue 221, 14 June 1930, Page 29

PICKLES

Free and Baptised. “What is your religion?” the recruit was asked. Promptly and smartly came the answer, “Militia, sir.” “No, no, 1 said •religion.’” “Oh, •religion,’ sir. I beg your pardon, I'm a plumber. * Tagged. Frank: “I don’t see bow you tell those Smith twins apart.” Hank: “That’s easy. Mabel always blushes when we meet."—“Tiger.” ♦ ♦ • Not for Pleasure.” Wifey: “I’m going up-town this afternoon.” Hubby: “Shopping?” “No, I won’t have time. I just want to get some things I need.” r—“Capper’s Weekly.”

Ambition. “Just think, children,” said the missionary. “In Africa there are six million square miles where little boys and girls have no Sunday School. Now what should we all strive to save our money for?’’ “To go to Africa,” came a chorus of cheery voices. • » ♦ Taking Bits Off. Barber (shaving a customer): “Will you have anything on your face when I’ve finished, sir?” Victim: “Well, it doesn’t seem likely-” - • • « Philosophy of Wealth. “These rich people make me sick. What’s the use of having money if you don’t know how to enjoy it?” “Well, what’s the use of knowing how to enjoy it if you haven’t got it?”

No Hurry. “I don’t care what you say, young man,” said the landlady, “you’re not leaving this bouse until your bill is paid.” “Ah, well,” remarked the other, “1 suppose that I must make the best of it. What’s this town like at Christmas?” ♦ * Can’t Help It. “How’s Abel Sass getting ou with that school-teacher he’s calling ou now?” “Well, every time he goes to see her she keeps him an hour longer for being naughty.” He’d Been There. Chief: “Here is a ticket for the lecture: ‘Six months among the savages.’ ” Clerk: “I don’t need to go to that. I have been living for 20 years with my wife and mother-in-law."

An 11l Omen. “Is the countess going to slug now?” “I expect so. I spilled the salt at dinner.” —“Buen Humor,” Madrid. Quito So. ~ The Young Man: “I’ve come to see you about your daughter.” Girl’s Father: “Too late—she eloped last night with a young fool who has no money.” The young man: “You’re right about the money—but I’m not a took”—“Kentish Observer.”

The Candid Friend. Amateur artist (to friend) : “Now, what do you think of my latest picture? I call it ‘Smugglers Surprised at Sunrise.’ ” Friend, “Well, candidly. I do not wonder they were surprised at it.” —"Darlington Dispatch.” ♦ * » A Very Good Reason. “Why didn’t you call me when Mr. Smith tried to kiss you?” “Bull mother, he used such awful threats.” “Threats? Heavens!” “He said that . if" I screamed he would never kiss -me again.”—“Nebelspalter,” Zurich,

Young Mathematics. A little boy was balancing himself on his bead, when an old lady, who knew him, came by. “Aren’t you too young to do that, mv lad? You are only six,” she said. “It’s orl right, missis,” replied the boy without losing his balance. “I’m nine while I’m upside down.” Plain Scotch. Two Scotchmen were staying at an hotel, and found that there was no soap in the bathroom. They rang for the boy. “Sen’ up sape, lad, a wee bit sape, quick!” exclaimed one of the Caledonians. The boy gazed open-mouthed at the two men. One Scot became angry. "Mon,” he i thundered, "Can ye no understan’ plain Scotch.” The lad promptly withdrew, and returned with a bottle and two glasses,

Tlie Apology. She: “You were talking in your sleep last night, dear.” He: “Sorry I interrupted, darling." ♦ * * Taking Risks. "Wouldn’t your mother be cross jf she saw you here in that short frock?” “I should say so. It’s her latest.” e * * The Penalty. The Suitor: “I-er-wisb to tell yon. sir, that your daughter has-er-just consented to marry me.” The Father: “Well, you would keep hanging around.” * ♦ * Room for Nine. In the spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of Nancy, Gladys, Mollie, Barbara, Dora, Peggy, Beryl, Joan, and Norah.

A Gentle Hint. Youth: “Last night in my dreams 1 proposed to you, Miss Evm M hat do you suppose that signifies?’’ Eve (impatiently) : "It shows that you have more gumption when asleep that you have when you’re .awake.” In Cliurcli Hours. "Very bad form I call it, to ring me up during church hours.” i "Probajjly she knows you don’t go to church.” . , - "Very likely, but she might have had the decency to assume that I do.” Perils of Industry. “Yes. lady, I lost me leg working in a mineral mine,” said the tramp. "Ah.” replied the old lady, "few of us realise the dangerous work necessary in order to provide us” with dur ginger-beer and lemonade.”-