THE CHANGING SCENE.

Dominion, Volume 5, Issue 1509, 3 August 1912, Page 6

THE CHANGING SCENE.

A BIRD'S-EYE VIEW[Br M.C.K.] "My old, 1 am angry," said the intelligent foreigner., "I desiro to tee tho Jioader of the Opp>jti o n, and 1 ring up 2091. Kono respond. J ring up at intervals, but always no response. 'At Bellamy's, I suppose,' I lell me, and lako tho tramciir to the House."

"What did you want to see him about, anyway:-" asked tho native.

"Nothing of all. I desiro only to see him, to regard him, and sav to him, 'Sir Bart, buck up.' This will lie a, sight of the most unusual, 1 tell me, to see Sir Bart iiiisurroundod by the reverent undersecretary, unworshipped by tho seedy person seeking an appointment; a phenomenon liko the eclipse, my old. 1 arrivo at tho room of tho Opposition Leader, and knock. An elderly man open tho door. It was not Sir Bart! Imagine my astoundment. This (lien was the leader.' 'Dear Sir,' I address him, 'I but call to felicitate you on your position honorable Permit that I wish you mav oppose long and honourably, and arrivo at last on the treasured benches.' lie gaze at mo with eyes largo and surprised, and respond ho is tho messenger. 'By blue,' I exclaim angrily, 'Why deceive me then? Where is your master? Tell Sir Bart I, Hippolytc, attend.' And, my old, he inform mo Sir Bart is not tho leader! 'Who, then, pig?' I demand. The poor old boy wept, and 1 mingled my tears with him as ho related his position lonely and sad. 'Somo says it is Sir Russell,' ho snid, *and somo say it is Sir Josiah iiambono, and somo says it is Sir Undo Colville, and nobody knows of all, and tho telephone rings all day, and I havo lost the heart' to respond, and I havo no one to bring a drink to, and I am miserable.' Wo wept together. But one tells me later that they aro all tho Opposition Loader, all but mo. Behold, lam tho Opposition party, and I have livcntysoven leaders—me, Hippolytc." "It is certainly a rotten mix-up," said the native.

"But you ignore tlio worst, dear mister. When I <Icsiro to shout for my lender, it is a ease of an embarrassing procession and a great cost. When lam shouted . for by niy leader it means 'that I must consume twenty-seven cocktails. Thing ridiculous, my old, bless it all! Do you astonish yourself that I am enraged?"

"I think that every win- which supplies a borough with milk should bo thoroughly tested," said the Mayor of Wanganui at-the Municipal Conference. It is not often you hear of a cow who can keep a borough going, but when you do, it is only reasonable to test her. " She is probably lying.

"Leaden should be signed," said the Opposition.

"Dash it all," said the man in the street, "why don't you begin by signing your own blessed Leader."

Major Darwin, in his presidential address at the Eugenics Congress, said that' eugenics was the practical application of tho principle of evolution to the nation by first applying conscious selection instead of blind forces. Natural selection would surely win : n all international competitions—Cable item.

If you lie awake and listen you will bear a steady humIt's the Twentieth Century thinking; and it's thinking, as it whirs, Of the shortest way to bring along a gay millennium And grease the rusty axle of this ill-made Universe:

"We've invented bridge and hatpins, monoplanes and secret drinking, Labour mayors and collar buttons, and tho stuccoed G.P.O. Shall we then admit a limit to tho power of modem thinking And tho force of resolutions at a learned Congress? No!

"It was very slowly that our forebears groped and staggered Down tho ages through tho stages-leading upward from the brute; ' Wo havo learned that time is money, and that doom awaits the laggard, And if Nature doesn't buetlo we shall MAKE her ovolnte,

"Flowers a-hlowing, babes' a-crowing, mindful always of the scasonThey are symbols of the crassness of the general scheme of Tilings; They are quite anachronistic inl this ago of Bush aud Keason, Like that' antiquated cyclo: Summers, Autumns, Winters, Springs."

Listen just a little harder and you'll hear a deeper note: It i 3 poor old Nature chuckling very statelily and slow, As the Thinkers ,put their millionth rcsolution to tho vote, . Nature chuckles: "Lor 1 , it minds mo of ten billion years ago."

Speaking in Auckland on the question of naval defence, the member for Awarua said: , . ■

"He felt very proud to eco these carlv developments, for he had personally, and Canada itself, urged the principle of a great united Empire Navy with portions Doin\n I io a ns C " 1U WatCrs ol ' tho ovcl ' s(;:ls

Perhaps this will mako those who sympathise with Sir Joseph Ward iu' his deieat realise that ho requires nobody's sympathy. With a mind like that, who could ever be anything but the happiest, proudest man alive? It is so long since lie thought out the idea that gims are the very things for warships' to carry, that ho lias practically forgotten 'his great achievement iu the- matter. Ho still remembers with pride, however, his share in establishing tlio now universally recognised principle of having wheels on motorcars. Perhaps, however, ho is prouder of tho world-wide success that has crowned his labours in the interests of using water fo make harbours with. Although the recent weather made nearly everybody thoroughly miserable, the member for Awarua -was exceedingly cheerful. Tor ho would have been more or less than human had he been able to see without feelings of pride the unanimity with which tho public testified to their acceptance of his sound suggestion, which ho made in different parts of the Empire many years ago, that,umbrella?, mackintoshes, aud goloshes are (Jib correct weapons for rainy weather. He had to faco a great deal of hostility, of course. When he first propounded .tho princinlo of having a Navy, ho was laughed at! and when, having overcome all opposition, ho proceeded to lay down the next principle, i.e., that the ships should bo placed in tho water, ho was again attacked on the ground that tho water would spoil the vessels. Pertinacity and brains, however, make an irresistible combination. Evou as he sits in Opposition, ho finds constant delight in reflecting that his being there is a practical proof of the triumph of his propaganda on behalf of the principle that of two unequal numbers the larger is the greater—in this casey that 42 is greater than 84. ■"

From the new catechism prepared by flic Olirislchurch M.P.'s lor the ronsumplion nf Cliiislrhnr.li M.]\\; 'J. What should you .hi when n Dill i< be. iiig discussed ?-A. Attack Tun Dominion. ','. iVhat is'l'itr. llomi.mo.v?—A. A pestilential, scurrilous, lying, abominable or-

gan, produced by sneaks, thieves and assassins of tho lowest type. Q. Why do wo attack The Dominion ?- A. Because it exerts an enormous infhienco for evil.

<». Whatisovil?-A. Losing your Ministerial salary and being driven into On. position.

Q. Hoes vilo and filthy slander pay?--A. No, for Tiik Dominion has no influence.

Q. What is inlluonco?—A. Power to secure public support lor Christchurch

Q. What is slandcrP-Anylhing in t'HH Dominion- that lessons the popularity Of 113.

Q. Oivo an example.—A. The following is an example: ".Mr. Laurenson rcaily should not call Judge Sim a fool or a, quibbling lawyer."

Q. Does Tub Dominion- count?-A. No. Q. How do you know?—A. Becauso I never read it.

Q. Does anyone toko nny notice of Tun Dominion?—A. Nobody in tho world. Q. What should you do on Monday?— A. Give Tin: Dominion beans.

Q. And on Tuesday?—A. Charge ita staff with secret drinking and burglary. Q. And on WednesdayP-A. Attack (fun Dominion.

Q. And on Thursday?—A. Call attention to its coarse and scurrilous character.

Q. And on Friday?—A. Firo another broadside at the degenerates who write for it. And the same on Saturday and Sunday.

Q. What wore yon elected for?—A. To look liko earning our ,£.IOO n year. <■}. And so?—A. And so wo attack The Dominion.