AMUSING INCIDENTS.

Cromwell Argus, Volume LX, Issue 3111, 12 May 1930, Page 7

AMUSING INCIDENTS.

The daughter of a Chicago wheat millionaire has married in defiance of her father's wishes. But it went against the grain.

Teacher: "Tommy, can you tell me what animal attaches himself to man?" Tommy: "Yes, ma'am. The bulldog."

Vegetarian: "Yes! Ever since I have given up meat I have had a desire to attain greater heights to climb "

Friend: "And look for nuts, I suppose."

First Charlady: "You know, dear; what do you call those drawings that are all scratches?"

Second Charlady: 'You mean itchings, don't you, dearie?"

An architect was recently convicted of bigamy.—What more can one expect from these designing people?

The French official was the essence of courtesy. When a plain-looking woman appeared for a passport, he could not hurt her feelings, despite a disfigurement, so he wrote: — "Eyes—dark, beautiful, tender, expressive (but one missing)."

"Oh, no, I'm not thin-skinned. I am the first to laugh at my own foolishness."

"What a merry life you must lead."

The following announcement appeared recently in a parish magazine: "The annual choir dinner will be held in the Vicarage on Wednesday evening at 6.30, to be followed by a service in the church at 8 p.m. with full choir."

Mrs. Lonebody: "My husband is away a good deal and I want a parrot for company. Does this one use rough language?" Bird Dealer: "Lady, with that bird in the house you'll never miss your husband."

Green: "Why didn't you tell me that the horse was lame before you sold it to me?"

Dealer: "Well, guv'nor, the bloke wot sold him to me didn't say nuffink abaht it, so I thought it was a secret."

The writer was desperate. At any rate, it sounded like it when he said: *Tm going to walk round the cemetery to look for a plot."

Salesman: "These shirts simply laugh at the laundry, sir." Customer: "I know. I've had some come back with their sides split"

Mother (to small daughter just home from a visit): "I am sorry to say that your aunt gives a very poor account of you: 'Naughty, untidy, unpunctual, untruthful, inclined to be imp—'." Daughter: "Does auntie really write all that?" Mother: "Yes." Daughter (sadly): "What a thing to say to a child's own mother!"

"Were you lucky at the races, yesterday?" "I should just think I was! I found a shilling after the last race and didn't have to walk home."

To a backward pupil the teacher said: "If you never learn to write how will you to able to carry on correspondence when you grow up?" "I won't do any writing," the boy replied, cheerfully, "because all of my folks live right in town."

Magistrate: "Why haven't you sent your son to school? Don't you want him to learn how to read?" Father: "It doesn't seem necessary now that we have talkies."

"What are you crying for, sonnie?" asked the policeman. "We're having a trifle for dinner today," sobbed the little boy. "Well, that's nothing to cry about." "Yes it is! I can't find my way home."

The old-iron merchant was trundling his barrow along a narrow road. Behind him was a motor-car, its impatient driver hooting and tooting for room to pass. The old-iron merchant looked round at the car, and addressed the owner: "Orl right, guv'nor. I'll call for that to-morrer!"

Barber: "Have you ever been here for a shave before, sir?" Customer: "Yes, once." Barber: "I don't remember your fstcG sir." Customer: "I don't suppose you do. It's healed up now."

A "dream of a hat" usually means a rude awakening when the bill comes

"There is no interest in a home from which love has gone," says a writer.— Except among the neighbor*.

Scoutmaster: "Now, suppose you found yourself suddenly in flames, what would you do?" Scout: "Keep cool, sir."

The Sunday-school teacher had been lecturing her class on virtue and its subsequent reward. "Now tell me," she said, "What sort of people will wear the biggest crowns when they go to heaven?" "Those with the biggest heads," answered her brightest pupil.

They were returning homewards from their expensive week-end, penniless and dejected. "The trouble is," said the husband, "that my next pay day is a month off. Whatever shall we do?" "Listen, dear," laughed the young wife. "I'll tell you a secret Before we went away I hid five pounds in the pantry." "Yes, I know," groaned the husband, "but I found it."

"You look very downcast." "Yes, my wife has been away for six weeks." "Well?" "I wrote to her every week and said I spent the evenings at home." "Well?"

"She is back now, and the electric light bill has come in—it's for one and threepence."

The only people who never break good resolutions are those who never make them.