WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Cromwell Argus, Volume L, Issue 2649, 24 November 1919, Page 7

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

"I'm afraid I can't use this kind of stuff," said the editor softly as he handed back the manuscript.

"All right ! You ineedn't be so condescending about, it!" retorted the contributor. "You're not. the only one who's refused that story, you know !" A HAT TRICK. It isn't easy living up to the reputation of being a wit, but Jimkins did his best. Meeting a friend one morning he said suddenly : "I say old fellow, have you heard about that girl who poured a jug of water into her fiance's, top hat ?"

"No," replied his friend, getting ready to hear an excellent little, anecdote.

"Neither ,have I," said Jimkins, as he began to walk quickly away. "It hasn't leaked out yet."

One night an old negro heard a flutter amongst his poultry. "So I takes down my gun," he says, "an' creeps 'long in de dark. De doah of my chick'n-house is wide open an' I sticks de revolvah inside an' says, 'Ef yo' don't come outen dat, yo' low-down, thiev'n' niggah who's in dere, I jest blow, yo' black head to pieces.' "He don't let on, an' I shout out agen, 'Who's dah ?' "Den I heah that crim'n'i niggah say, squeaky, like 'e was jest gwine to cry, "It's on'y us chickens !' "

They were on their honeymoon, and were spending it amidst the mountains of Switzerland. Nearly every day they attempted to climb to a fresh height. "There !" exclaimed the wife, when she had finished panting. "We have tramped all this distance to admire this beautiful view, and we've forgotten the glasses !" "Never mind, darling," replied the husband, taking a small flask out of his pocket. "There's no one about. We can drink just as well out of the bottle !"

Biffkins was looking through the evening paper and suddenly came upon an item that surprised him. "Well, well !" he ejaculated. "That is queer !" "What is ?" asked his wife, full of curiosity.

"They've headed these few lines 'Woman's Talk' !" gasped Biffkins. "Well ?" queried the wife.

"But, my dear, there's only about half a column of it !" said Biffkins, slyly.

After Patsy Hogan had left Dublin for the country, and rented a cottage' with a small back yard, he returned to town to purchase a monkey. Not a word of his scheme would he disclose to his old cronies. Bat afterwards Ive' explained, "Twas like this : I chained the monkey to a shtick in me yard, and the coal thranes were passin' all day, and on iv'ry thrain there was a stoker. In one week I had two tons of coal in me cellar, and the monkey %vas never wanst hit !"

Husband : "You never kiss me except when you want money." Wife : "Well, isn't that often enough ?" SHEER OPTIMISM. The dear old thing, with her usual stock of questions, was visiting the Zoo. "Keeper," she said, tapping him with her umbrella, "what do you consider to be the most remarkable animal in these wonderful gardens ?" "Well, ma'am," replied the keeper thoughtfully, "after careful consideration, as you might say, "I should say that there laughing hyena gets the prize."

"Indeed, my good man ! And what makes you think that ?" "Well, he only has a sleep once a week, a meal once a month, and a drink once a year," said the keeper, moving on. "So what he has to laugh about beats me."

It was customary for the congregation to repeat the Twenty-third Psalm in unison, and Mrs. Armstrong's notion of joining was to keep about a dozen words ahead all the way through. A stranger was asking one day about Mrs. Armstrong.

"Who," he inquired, "was the lady who was already by the still waters while the rest of us were lying down in green pastures ?"

Willis : "This morning you told me you had just returned from the war, and this afternoon I heard you admit that you had never smelled powder."

Gillis : 'That's right. I fought the Germans. All we ever smelled was shlorine gas, fluorine fumes, and poison spray."

A celebrated barrister undertook a trade-mark case that looked hopeless for the client. The client went away leaving his telegraphic address, with instructions he was to be notified of the decision. He won the case, and the barrister cabled, "Justice has triumphed." The client wired back, "Lodge immediate appeal !"

"There were two actresses in an early play of mine," said the author, "both very beautiful ; but the leading actress was thin. She quarrelled one day at rehearsal with the other lady, and she ended the quarrel by sayinc, haughtily : 'Remember, please that I am the star.'

" 'Yes, I know you're the star,' the other retorted, eyeing with an amused smile the leading actress's slim, long figure, 'but you'd look better, my dear, if you were a little meteor !' "

They were two days out, and the young bride was delightfully seasick. "Henry, dear," she moaned, "if I should die and they bury me here you'll come sometimes and plant flowers on my grave, won't you ?"