NOTHING SERIOUS.

Cromwell Argus, Volume L, Issue 2648, 17 November 1919, Page 7

NOTHING SERIOUS.

A party of "Waccs" were being shown over a repair factory at one of the bases in France. "This,'' said the obliging soldier, as they entered a shed, "is the engine boiler." One fair charmer, with a quizzical smile asked ' "But why do they boil the engines ?" And her guide softly replied ' "To make the engine tender."

Magistrate : "How did you manage to extract the man's watch from his pocket when it was provided with a safety catch ?" Prisoner : "Excuse me, sir, that is a professional secret. lam willing to teach you, however, for two guineas." AN ANXIOUS MOMENT. When Jones's rich grandmother passed away, all his poverty-stricken friends rallied about him with words of cheer and comfort ; but Jones remained sad and dejected. "She left a last will and testament, I suppose ?" murmured ' Jenkins, carelessly. "Oh, yes," said Jones, "she left a will and testament." "Ah !" chimed in Brown, "you were always a friend of hers. Of course, your .name was mentioned ?" "Yes," answered Jones, "ray name was mentioned, boys. I—l am to They hung expectant while sobs choked back his words. "I," he declared at last, "am to have the testament." A soldier was waiting for the Muddlcton train, the only one of the day. After he had waited for an unreasonable time the porter hove in sight. "How long will I have to wait," the soldier asked "for that bally train ?" "How long have you got ?" asked the porter, with apparent irrelevance. "Fourteen days." "Well," said the porter, "you'd better walk."

The hoary-headed examiner glanced over the top of his spectacles. "Arc you sure," he inquired, "that this is a purely original composition you have handed in ?" "Yes, sir," came the answer. "But you may possibly, sir, have come across one or two of the words in the dictionary."

Mrs. Ncwwed : "Well, dear, I've found a Hat, and the ' tramcars go right past the door." Hubby : "Won't the Doise disturb your rest, my love ?" Mrs. Ncwwed : "Oh, the landlord assured me that I wouldn't mind it after the first two nights, and yen know, dear, we can sleep the first two nights at mother's." HE MIGHT HAVE KNOWN. There had be-jn a ne'avy downfall of rain, and the district goods manager was quickly on the warpath. He telegraphed along different sections of the line as follows : "Send full particulars of the flood."

Now there was a man cm a particular section of the line where no flooding had taken place, and he decided that the message was' a joke, so he wired hack as follows : "Look in the Book of Genesis."

"That's how we do things in the Army," said Tommy, pointing to a news heading v. hich bore the words, "Five Hundred Germans Drowned in Champagne." "Got nothing to beat that in the Navy, I'll bet." "Oh, haven't, we?" retorted his sailor friend. "My lad, that's nothing to get excited about—nothing at all. In that last little affair along the Belgian coast, we sank three German submarines in 'port' !"

He : "See that man over there ? He's a bombastic ass, a windjammer nonentity, a conceited humbug, a parasite, and an encumbrance to the earth." She : "Would you mind writing all that down for me?" He : "Why in the world " She : "He's my husband, and I should like to use it on him some time." On going his rounds about, midnight a policeman noticed an individual moving from house to house and trying to open the doors. He seized him by the collar and said : "What are you doing here ?"

"Oh, nothing particular. You see, I've found a latchkey and I'm merely trying it on the doors in order to restore it to the owner."

A woman who says she won't buy any summer clothes is like a man who says he is going to give up smoking. They both mean all right.

The Colonel beckoned to his orderly. "Smith, I wish you'd ride into the town and get the correct time."

"Why, sir," Smith hesitated, "I haven't got a watch." "A watch, a watch," the Colonel roared. "What in the name of sense do yon want a watch for ? Write it down en a piece of paper man."

A man entered a drug-store very hurriedly and asked for a dozon twograin 'quinine pills. "Do you want them put in a box, sir ?" asked the chemist, as he wa-3 counting them out. "Oh, no, certainly net," replied the customer. "I was thinking of rolling them home !" THE LEA'ST OF TWO EVILS.

Dear mamma, was going out, and, in order to keep her two offspring out of trouble, she left them two apples, telling the older child to give first choice to the younger. When she came back she saw the younger

! darling weeping bitter tears. "Did you not give Bobby the first j choice, as I told you to ?" she said to the elder. "Yes, mother," replied the boy. "I ! told 'im he could have the small one or none, at all, and he chose the i small one."