NOTHING SERIOUS.

Cromwell Argus, Volume L, Issue 2645, 20 October 1919, Page 2

NOTHING SERIOUS.

A “CIVIL” ANSWER. Jones had not had his commission very long and was inclined to be a trilie patronizing. A special “fad” of his was asking the men what they were in “civil life.” One day his eagle eye lighted on the face of a new recruit which seemed to be vaguely familiar to him. Strolling up to him in the most lordly way, Second-Lieutenant Jones put his usual question to the recruit : “Haw, and what were you in civil life, my good man ?” Great was his confusion when he received the following innocent reply, amidst a howl of laughter from the rest of the company : “Don’t you remember me, sir ? I was the proprietor of Smith’s Universal Stores. You used to be one of my shop assistants.”SUGGESTED REMEDY. A lighterman from a river craft was leaning over a bar counter in the neighbourhood of Wapping voicing his opinion of the war. He seemed to be a chronic pessimist, and the crowd was tired of him. “It’s awful,” he said. “This ’ere bloodshed day after day is cruel. Think of it now, every time I breathe a man dies.” “Fancy that now 7 ,” said a sarcastic bystander, “Have you ever tried cloves ?” A man in West Wales had decided to go to market and buy a nig. On the way he met a boy driving a herd. “To whom do these pigs belong ?” he asked. “They belong to that big sow,” answered the boy. “No, my boy,” said the inquirer, “I mean, w r ho is the master of them ?” “Well,” replied the yokel, “that theer little ’un, 'e’s a begger for fighting !” Montgomery : “What w r ould you do with a penny if I gave you one Tramp (sarcastically): “Git a new rig, mister, an’ some supper an’ a night’s lodgin’ an’ breakfast an’ dinner to-morrer.” Montgomery : “My dear fellow, take this shilling and support your' self for the rest of your life.”

NOT EXACTLY. An excited depositor, after a short argument with the clerk, said : “Do you mean to say this cheque is worthless ?” “Not exactly,” was the answer. “It seems to have been worth £lO to the man who gave it to you.” HIS EPITAPH. The driver of the car had been killed instantly in the accident. The coroner summoned several witnesses, among them a gert> man. residing near the scene of the ac-vdont. When interrogated, the latter answered : “If I had to write that fellow’s epitaph, I should say, ‘He died try--ing to get sixty miles out of a ten mile road.’ ” THE IDEAL MAN. “My ideal husband,” said the girl who had been reading novelettes, “must be a strong, silent man, full of grit, and able to bear the heat and burden of the day without flinching ; one who will not hear a word said about me, and will never utter a word against me himself.” “What you want,” answered her friend, “is a deaf and dumb coalheaver.” MEANT HIMSELF. A well-known man got up suddenly in the middle of his interview with an editor, saying : “I must no longer occupy the time of a busy man.” “But it is a pleasure !” exclaimed the editor.

“Oh, I was referring to myself !” said the visitor placidly. ■ S NOTHING DOING ! Mr. Smith, dissatisfied with his house, put the sale of it in the hands of an estate agent. A few days later he saw an advertisement of a house exactly answering his needs. The more he read of its beauty and comfort, the more anxious he was to secure it for himself. So he called up the estate agent with : “There is a house advertised in the ‘News’ by ‘A.B.C.’ See ‘A. B. C.’ and buy it from him. “Sorry,” was the laconic reply. “But I’m ‘A.B.C.,’ and the house is your own.” CARRIED UNANIMOUSLY. Two men sitting in the corner of the railway compartment became engaged in an animated controversy, and their loud voices attracted the* attention of all the others in the somewhat crowded carriage. Suddenly one of the men arose and said ; “Ladies and gentlemen, I appeal to you to decide the disputed point. My friend here insists that not more than three people out of every five believe they have souls. I take a more cheerful view of humanity than that. Will all of you who believe you have souls raise your right hand ?” Every hand in the car went up. “Thank you !” he said, with a smile. “Keep them up just for a moment. Now, will all of you who believe in the hereafter raise your left hand ? Thank you ! And while you have your hands raised,” he added, drawing two revolvers from his pockets, “my friend will relieve you all of whatever valuables you have. Look lively, now, Jim ; we’re nearing the station !”

Old Lady : “What’s the matter, constable ?” Constable : “Cat run over by a tramcar.” Old Lady : “How sad ! VTas cat on the line ?” Constable : “No, mum, tram chased it up a tree.”