NOTHING SERIOUS.

Cromwell Argus, Volume L, Issue 2645, 20 October 1919, Page 7

NOTHING SERIOUS.

Father of Family : “The new ship, I understand, beat her record.” Small Boy : “I say, dad, did she do it with her spanker ?” Young Lady (with hopes): “What do you think is the fashionable colour for a bride ?” Male Shopwalker : “Tastes differ, but I should prefer a white one.” “Oh, mamma,” exclaimed three-year-old Vivian, as she gazed at a visitor’s bald head, “you said I mustn’t say anything about Mr. Fatboy’s hair, but he hasn’t dot any to say anything about !” “Why did he marry her at all if he intended getting a divorce so speedily ?” “Because he didn’t think it. would be honourable to break the engagement.” Prospective buyer : “Is this dog affectionate ?” Dealer ; “I should say he is. I have sold him four times, and every time he’s come right back to me.” “I’m so happy !” she said. “Ever since my engagement the whole world seems different. I do not seem to be in dull, prosaic Melbourne, but, in—” “Lapland,” suggested the small brother. Mrs. H. Peck : “John, I wish you would give me a synonym for misery.” Mr. H. Peck : “What’s the matter with matrimony ?” “DONE IN.” In a certain home where the stork recently visited there was a slx-year-old son of an inquiring mind. When he was first taken in to see the new T arrival he exclaimed —“Oh, mamma, it hasn’t any teeth ? And no hair !” Then, clasping his hand in despair, he cried —“Somebody has done us ! It’s an old baby.” THE ONLY WAY OUT. The ' wounded Tommy was sitting up in bed when the nurse brought him in tea. He stared at his p.atc, and just as the nurse was leaving him, he said “Oh, I say ! Who ever put the butter on this bread ?” “Why, I did,” returned the nurse indignantly. Tommy went rather red, and stammered ;—“I Oh, pardon, nurse, but—well, who scraped it off again ■?”' “DRY UP.” Perkins was never tired of prophesying calamities, and his friends were getting a bit fed up. Perkins had already predicted famine ; and one day he remarked dolefully to a friend : “What would you say, my boy, if I were to tell you that in a short space of time the rivers of our country would all dry up ?” “H’m. I should say,” replied the friend, “go thou and do likewise !” WHY SHE SHUT HER EYES. The note was short and to the point, but it puzzled the editor not a little. It ran : “Can yon tell me why a young lady always closes her eyes when being kissed ?” Now, the editor had never noticed any such phenomenon, but the reader was evidently anxious to know, and the editor, being a man of logic, sent reply : “Kindly forward your photograph, and I may then be able to answer your query.” BLISS AND IGNORANCE. The wonders and beauties of Kew Gardens in all their glory fairly dazzled the eyes of ’Arry and ’Arriet when for *the first time they visited the lovely gardens. The beautiful rhododendrons were in full bloom, and struck by the colour of the lovely blossoms, the happy couple made a close inspection. Seeing a small tablet bearing the name of the flowers, ’Arriet asked her sweetheart what it meant. ’Arry concentrated a fixed gaze at the board, and then said ; “Shows your bloomin’ ignorance. ’Arriet, and it shows the blessin’ of being eddicated like lam ! Yer don’t know what that means ? Why, it’s Latin fer ‘Get off the grass’ !” A WORTHY RECOMMENDATION.

Sarah Jane was applying for a situation as cook. When she interviewed Mrs. Blunt, her prospective mistress, everything seemed to be quite satisfactory. Bat them the vexed question of references cropped up. “I think you would suit me admirably,’’ declared Mrs. Blunt ; “but I should like to see your references. Of course you have brought them with you ?” “Oh, yes,” declared Sarah Jane, with alacrity, bringing out a paper which had a great many greasy marks upon it. Mrs. Blunt scanned the writing with a cold, critical eye. “It’s in a very dirty condition,” she said, icily. “That doesn’t speaik well for your cleanliness. What are those greasy spots all over the paper ?” “Oh, those are tears of sorrow rny last mistress shed over me when I left ! ” declared Sarah Jane in triumph.

Queen Alexandra once said that the funniest story she ever heard was one about an old lady who suffered from an affliction of the nose—that is to say, the little dewdrop that comes unawares on the tip of our nose in cold and damp weather. This became a source of annoyance to the old lady, so she told her footman when he observed this phenomenon to say politely, “Thomas is waiting, my lady,” so as to call her attention to it. One day, while waiting at table, the flunkey discovered it was time to obey his orders, but felt shy. At last he summoned up sufficient courage to say, “Thomas was waiting, my lady, but now he is in yoar soup.”