Page 8 Advertisements Column 5

Cromwell Argus, Volume XLI, Issue 2209, 22 August 1910, Page 8

THE PROUD YOUNG FATHER. The story is of a proud and devoled father. The baby was his first, and he wanted to weigh it. "It's a bumper!" he exclaimed. " Where are the scales ?" The domestic hunted up an old-fashioned paii that had come down from a former generation. It was the only weighing machine ir. the house. The baby, wrapped in the fleecy folds of some light fabric, was suspended from the hook, and the proud young father assumed charge of the operation. " I.'ll try a at eight pounds," he said, sliding the weight along the beam to that figure. "It won't do; she weighs ever so much more than that." He slid the weight along several notches farther. "By George!" he said; "she weighs more than ten pounds! Eleven—twelve—thirteen —fourteen! Is it possible?" He set the baby and scales down and rested himself a moment. " Biggest baby I ever saw," he panted, resuming the weighing process. " Fifteen and a half —sixteen. This thing won't weigh her. See ! Sixteeen is the last notch, and she jerks it up like a feather. Go and get a big pair of scales at some neighbour's. I'll bet a tanner that she weighs over twenty pounds. Millie," he shouted, rushing intc the next room, "she's the biggest baby in this country. Weighs over sixteen pounds." " What did you weigh her on ?" inquired the young mother. "On the old scales in the kitchen." "The figures on those are only ounces," she replied quietly. " Bring me the baby, John."

ORTHOGRAPHICAL CURIOSITIES. In Shawnee County, Missouri, dwells a postmaster whose system of making out returns to government is as unique as it is original. The following is a verbatim copj of a certificate attached to one of his returns: "I heareby cirtify that the four goin A Counte is as neer Rite as i no how to make it if there is enny mistak it is not Dun a Furpers." The following is a quotation as to a day's consumption of ale from the household account of the sixth Earl of Eglinton. It! date is Thursday, Nov. 26, 1646 : " Toyoui lordship's morning drink, a pynt; for nvj ladies' morning drink r pynt; to your lordship's denner 2 pynts; mair 3 pynts ; to the letter meal 2 pynts ; efter denner 1 pynt; al four houres 1 pynt; ane other pynt; to your lordship's supper 3 pynts," &c. The postmaster of a town in America has received the following letter, but has seec nothing of Rube. If this should meet his eye, he will know that he need absent himself no longer from his Marthy Ann. She writes: " Mister Post-offis keeper! Respecked eur and kind frend ! " Pleas rite me a letter saying is there a man of the name of Reuben Jinks in your plase. If there is plcse rite me saying is he n smalish man with one leg a mite shorter than t'other : dark compleckted and bawled in a plase about the oise of a sosser on topol his hed. His hare is a sanydish red, and he ain't got no front teeth, and I doan't spose the black and blew spots he had over his eyes when he left home is there yit, cause »he knows that raw befstake alius cures them.

*' If Rube is thare tell him to kum back borne and behave bisself, and he kin stay. Winter's comin on, and he ain't sense enofi to take keer of hisself in cold wether, and he kin come home and stay if he'll promiss not to set hisself up as boss of this roost again, which, he ain't, and can't be long as I'm this side of glory. Rube is my husbun He's a gritty kind of a little chap, but I'm mostly one too menny for him. Rite me saying is Rube there, and is he comin home to his Marthy Ann." The following verdict was given and written by the foreman of a coroner's jury, at a village in Canada: "We are of A Pinion that the Dec est met his death from Violent Infirmation in the Arm, producsl from Unoan Cauz." A firm wrote to a Western piano dealer, who owed them money : " Dear Sir, —Wil. you be kind enough to send us the amount of your bill?— Yours truly." To this the firm received the following reply : " Gentlemen, —Your request is granted with pleasure: the amount of my bill is five hundred and Seventy-five dollars. —Yours truly." A country editor was made to write in keenest humiliation of spirit on receipt ol the following scathing criticism on the conduct of his paper by a subscriber: " Dear Sur, —I hereby offer my resignashun as a subskriber to your paper, it being a pamfiet of sich small konserkence as not to Benefit my famHy by takin of it. What you need in jour shete is branes an some one to russell up news and rite eddytoryalls on live topicks. No menshion has been made in your shete of me bucherin a potenc" chiny pig weighin 369 punds, or of the gap; in the chikens out this way.' You stenjusly ignore the fack that the tater bugs is eatin things up out here, an say nothin bout Hi Simpson's durham bull carf breaking its legs fallin down a well, or of grandma Sipes havin the sore leges. Two important weddins here has bin utterly igknored by your dishclout of a shete, an a two-kolumn obitchuary writ by me on the deth of grandpa Henry was left out of your shete, 10 say nothin of a alfabetical poem beginnin with 'A is foi Andy and also for Ark,' writ by my darter. This is why your shete is unpopler here. H you don't want eddytoryalls from this place and ain't goin to put in no news in your Bhete we.,doan't want said shete. —Yourn in disgUSt, " HIKAM DOAKS. !• "P.S.—lf you prent that obitchuary in your next isoo I may sign agam for yout shete.—H.D." The following bombshell has been discharged by a famous general, who received a polite letter, requesting an autograph and a lock of his hair : " The man who has been writing my autograph is discharged, and, as my orderly is bald, I cannot comply with the second of your requests." , t *f~ . The following laughable occurrence happened at a small town in Worcestershire; A printer having been applied to to print a notice for closing the shops, &c, for the day of the Jubilee, by some mistake, purposely or accidentally made, the letter C was put in the place of S, which made it read as follows : " Notice is hereby given that all the tradesmen have agreed not to open theii Chops on Jubilee Day." This, of course, was an unlucky announcement for many when the roast beef and plum-pudding came in view. #£•&,■/"'** ••" *• -" t« The following is a genuine copy of a lettet from a churchwarden in Surrey to an antiquarian, well known, who had requested the loan of a brass monumental plate in his church, to make a drawing of it: " Sir, —1 am sorry I can't be agreeable to what yon ax me to do, but by the Ganonicall laws, nobody must not presume to let nothing out of the Church, particularly the sacred utensils, under pain of blasphemy; therefore, can't let j-ou have the brass tombstone what you desire ; but you air welcom to come into (he church and draw it as much as you plcse.—l am, Sir," Ac. A merchant being in want of a clerk, advertised for one, who, among other qualifications, must be able to benr confinement He r;oon received an answer which terminated thus: "I am sertin I can bare confinement, haven been in jail sevin yercs, from which I am but just libberraled." A compositor out Wtasi having worked all night, and expecting double pay, presented the following bill: " Workin t'.l nite, two day? : a penny candle, tapjv^e.'"

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