Page 2 Advertisements Column 4

Cromwell Argus, Volume XXVII, Issue 1372, 13 August 1895, Page 2

Out of Sight. I «I didn't see you at the masquerade ball, Jimpson." "No ; I weuta* agl'osb." The Bibliomaniac «'You have a fine library; I suppose you read a great deal?" "No, I clou'fc. It takes all my time making the money to pay for these books."—Pucfc. The Spur. She : " You will have to work hard if you (via hex-." The Poet: "I'll have to wore harder if I don't." Preparatory Discipline. " No, I'll not marry. I think I'll become a Sister of Charity." " You don't know what that means." " Don't I ? [aven't I sat up with you < from eight to one for three mcuwus r A Parisian Creation. Mary had a little bunch Of silk with feathers on it; Her husband had to foot the bill For a fifty-shilling bonnet. —Washington News. Didn't Escape. Inspector (at the peniUntiary) : "I understand that measles broke out three days ago." Warder: "Yes; but the guaids caught them! " More Money In It. Mrs. Poeticus : " Isn't this bat a poem, dear?" Poeticus (sadly, as he look* at the bill): "I wish I could write that kiud." Striking a Balance. Marie: " What on earth are you wearing your sealskin coat in the house for? " Maud: "Well, Ned said he couldn't afford to buy it for me, on account of the quantity of coal we used. I've gotthe coat, and I'm economising on the coal." No Danger. Little Johnny : " May 1 hitch the dog to my sled and have him pull me ? Mother. " I'm afraid he'll bite you." Little Johnny : " It's the other end I am going to hitch." — Good News. At the Chemistry Exam. " Which is the best known insulator ? " The Candidate (a young student, pale and thin, with a bilious complexion and a savage look about him):" Poverty, sir!" —La Monde lllustre. One Good Turn Deserves Another. Husband : " But I don't want to quit chewing tobacco." Wife.: " I gave up my weeds for you, and I think you may do the same for me."— Kate Field's Washington. Overthe Wire. He : "Is that you, Mie3 Budd ? Oh, all right. Eh—l say, Rosalie. I—l can't wait. i You know how 1 love you; will you ma<ry | me?" She: " Y-yes. (A pause.) Who are you?" Needed It More " What are you doing around here ?" said the woman to the tramp who had got overthe fence just in time to escape the bulldog. " Madam," he said, with dignity, " I did intend to request somethin' to eat; but all I ask now is that, in the interests of humanity, you'll feed that dog."— Washington Star. Their Health Food. Pessels (the druggist): "Hi, there! What's the row?" Morton (the boy): "Matter 'nough ; here's a lady sixpennorth of insect powder, quick, an' the cockroaches has e't it all." In Change Unchanged. Old Bache : " I see that you ladies are still like the ancient Venus." Mrs. de Mode: " How so ? " Old Bache :" In the i matter of fashions, you are still pleased with the judgment of Paris." How He Got Out of It. Wife: *'George, t know .. y£>u will nqfc [ like ifc, but I will have to get you to stop at ' Lacey's and match this piece of goods." Husband (enthusiastically) : " Not like it! , Why, the girl that waits on that counter !is the most bewitching, sweetest little angel! " i I A Bad Blunder. I Magazine Office-boy: " Oh, there's been an awful time up in the editorial room to-day." Business Manager: "Eh, what's the trouble?" Office-boy: "The janitor made a mistake and put the'No Admittance ' sign at the subscription office, and the ' Welcome* door-mat in front of the , editor's room." Something Useful. Mr. Suburb (on a cold day) : "That j back yard is one glare of ice, and I nearly broke my neck. Who's been using the hose out there ? " Mrs. Suburb -. " Little Georgie asked permission) to wash the carriage, and as it was such am unusual thing for him to want to do anything useful, I told him he might." Mr. Suburb: "Humph! he wanted a toboggan slide.*" From Different Standpoints. Ethel: " Ob, atUast! It has been years, Alphonso, since 1 saw you." Alphonso: f' Oh, my own Ethel, it has been centuries." Ethel's father (up in*tbe library) : " Maggie, who was that.youljust let in ? " Maggie : "It was Mr. Cutmlots, sir." Ethel's father:" Great gune, this is the ninth time he's been here tihis week. He might' as well live here." Not the Same Chance for Mercy. Teacher: " Johnnie, jdo you think if you had cut down your (fatber.'s cherry-tree you would have told the truth about it ? " Johnnie,(slowly): "No, I don't believe I would." Teacher: "What! You would not tell a falsehood?" Johnnie: (apologetically) : " Well,ima'am, yer see, I qon't believe Washington's father was just the same sort of fellow as mine." An« Epitaph. Here lies thefchronic office-seeker, Michael T.iMcGout, Who never sought a single place, But that left out. 'Tvvas in the month of August last, v. The late-lamented died; And now he's 'in the only place For which he ne'er applied. A Narrow Escape. Bingo : " Had quite an accident in my\ train to-day. I was just going to take out those sandwiches you put up for me when, crash! we struck another train." Mrs. Bingo (anxiously) : " Was any one injured?" Bingo: "No. But those sandwiches were telescoped." It Looked Suspicious. " Charlie Harduppe had a cheque to-day, y, but they would not cash it at the bank, '-.j They claimed they did not kno.v him." " Didn't he have anything with which he could identify himself ? " "He had two or three bills made out in his name." "Wouldn't the tellor accept those as iden-, tification ? " " No; they were receipted." Might Spoil Chances. Maiden (whispering) \« r 8 t i,, lt yOU( George ?" Sereoader (who has been b'owing love music for the last halMnour) : "Ah ! At last, my darling, 'tis you! Yes; 'tis your own George." Maid?n (still whispering) : '* Well, George; won't you go away? Charlie Bonds is in here'and "s about to propose, and I'm at,aid >our music disconcerts him." " An Irish Argument. Moriarty: " And yea ask four shilling a \ box for shtrAwberries because it's the middle av winthcr, dio yez ,» " D. alnr : " That is just the rouson:" Moriarty: " Sure they ought to bo sixpemce a box, now." Dealer: " Why P" Moriarty : " Because i hoy arc not in uayson. Suro„isn't|furnMco co*l chaypor in July ? Arrah; buttit's a robber yez all are, ftUU I'll buy no ehtrawbornoe kill Jnne, no I won't."