ITEMS.

Cromwell Argus, Volume XXVII, Issue 1360, 14 May 1895, Page 5

ITEMS.

The Dublin Express publishes an account of u scandalous scene at a wake recently in Galway. An old rag gatherer died, and at her wake a number of men danced jigs to the music of a tin whistle. At length two men held the corpse against the wall, and with its arms beat time to the music, while another, aftvr bowing to the body as to a partner, danced an Itish jig in front of it. The scene is said to have caused peals of laughter among those present. A magistrate, riding in a train recently, from a single glance at the countenance of a lady by his side, imagined he knew her, and ventured to remark that the day was pleasant. She only answered, “ Yes I” “Why do yon wear a veil?” “Lest I attract attention,” “It is the province of gentlemen to admire,” replied the gallant man of Jaw. “ Not when they are married ! ” “ Hut I am not.” “ Indeed ! ” “Oh, no! I’m a bachelor! ” The lady quietly removed her veil, disclosing to the astouished magistrate the face of his mother in-law !

A clergyman was censuring a lady for tight-lacing. “ Well,” replied the lady, “ would you recommend loose habits loyour parishioners ? ” A poor woman was telling a kindhenrted visitor how the doctor came and said she had a sluggish liver. “What beats me,” she added, “ is how them slugs gets inside the liver.” A magistrate in England recently refused to convict a woman who had stolen a pair of boots from a bench outside a shop, on the ground that tradesmen had no business to thus put temptation in the way of starving and ill-clad people. The .-now was a foot deep at the time, and the poor wretch had children at “ home ” with bare feet chilblained and bleeding. “Yes,” said the lady lecturer, “women have been wronged for ages. They have suffered in a thousand ways.” “There is one way in which they never suffered,” said a meek-looking man, standing up in the rear of the hall. “ What way is that ?” demanded the lecturcss. “ They have never suffered in silence.” And then the lectuross demonstrated beyond a doubt that he was right, in. her case, at least. lu a court at Buffalo recently a lawyer was

cross-examining a negro witness, and was getting along fairly well until ha asked the witness what his occupation was. “ I’ao a carpenter, sah.” “ What kind of a cirpeuter ?” “I is a carpenter who is not a lirst-class carpenter, sah.” “ Well, explain fully what you understand a jack leg carpenter to be,” insisted the lawyer. “ Boss, I declare I dun no how ter splain any mo’, ’cept to say hit am jes’ the same difference ’Lwixt you an’ cr fust-class lawyer.’ According to recent calculation it appears that almost every chemist in Britain is selling twice as much patent medicine as he was thirty years ago, and that our countrymen spend about one and a half million sterling a year in physic of this description. The Aryus fails to see what advantage will accrue from Mr Ward’s conversion scheme, except that the prospects of future borrowing may he improved. In the first place, no holder of existing New Zealand stocks can be compelled to convert ; in the second, no holder would dream of converting on any other terms but those what would give him as effective a rate of interest as at present. Then as regards the colony itself, even if the saving of interest could bo effected, it would be at the expense of a large addition to the principal sum of the investors money, which would eventually have to be paid. A Wanganui correspondent writes to a contemporary :—The recent visit of the Premier to this town was attended with one or two amusing incidents. That evening the Premier went to the house of some friends. The “ jug ” went round a good many times, there were some good stories told, and “Dick” entertained the company with one of his favorite songs—“ The night before Larry was stretched.” The hours flaw swiftly, and it was past midnight when the party broke up. When the Premier with some of his friends arrived at his hotel, he found the doors locked and the establishment in darkness. After some time the landlord appeared at one of the windows and asked what the blank they meant by disturbing his house at such an unearthly hour. The crowd below explained that the Premier wanted to get in. “ Premier or no Premier,” came the answer, “ I ain’t agoin’ to run no risk of prosecution. Don’t you believe it. He made the law and he should know how to keep it.” And down went the window. Shortly after a policeman came along and, assuming he had run against a party of jovial spirits out for a lark, he advised them to get away home. He laughed at the story of the Premier being one of the party as a good j die, and was about to move them mi when the light of his bull’s eye fell on the familiar features of the hon. gentleman, and “ Robert ” stood transfixed, speechless. After lie recovered himself and stood to attention and saluted' several times ho made off round the premises, ordered the night porter to open the; door “ in the name of the Queen,” and in a few minutes the Premier was admitted, and stole quietly away to his virtuous couch. Do you want good cheese and bacon, prime salt and fresh butter, Inst value in to 1 and groceries, go to H. Bowie’s. [Advt] “ The Health and Vigor of an individual depend noon the quantity and quality of the Blood. When rhe tissues have been at work, there are thrown into the blood, waste products, and if those ho not eliminated but (through any cause) detained in the blood they influence nutrition an i function and finally produce organic disease.” The Humanitarian, i n cases of Scrofula, Scurvy, Eczema. Bad Legs, Skin an I Blind Diseases, Pimples and Sores of all kinds, the effects of Claake’s Blood Mixture are marvellous. Thousands of wonderful cures have been effected by it. Clarke’s Blood Mixture is sold everywhere, at 2s 9d per bottle. Bewaie of worthless imitations ami suhstibutsa. Certainly the best medicine known is Sandkk and Sons’ JCoc.vi.vpri Extimct Test its cmiiiciPly powerful effects in omighs colds, influenza ; the relief is instantaneous, in serious eases, and accidents of all kinds, be they wounds, hums, scaidings, bruises, sprains, it is the safest remedy—no swelling —no inflammation. Like surprising effects produced in croup, diphtheria, bronchitis, inflammation of the lungs, swellings, etc. ; diarrhoea, dysentery, diseases of the kidneys and urinary organs. In use at hospitals and medical clinics all over the globe ; patronised by his majesty the King of Italy’; crowned with medal and diploma at International Exhibition, Amsterdam. Trust in this approved article and reject all others. The Southland Tim-ns, April l.'kii says ; “Mr Cawne, of Dunedin, has jost hem. on a visit to Invercargill to push husiness a little, Not that it wants much canvassing assistance, for since he e immense I the manufacture of his Worcestershire Bailee, the demand lias kept pace with Ids capacity to supply it. He makes a realty good thing, indistinguishable from the famous Lea and Pet fin’s, which lie places upon one’s table at a much lower price, and trusts to i.h it u. secure a skua, lily growing trade. Those who have not yet tried the Colonial article should pub their prejudice aside for a time and test the question with a bottle or two.” [ \DVT ] “If the blood is diseased the body is diseased.” —Remember tint the blond whether pure or impure, circulates through the organs of the human body—Lungs. Heart, .Stomach, Kidneys, Brain. If it "is laden with poisonous' matter it spread * disease on its course. In eii.es of .Scrofula, Scurvy, Eczema, Bad Legs, skin and Bio-si Diseases, Pimples, an t sores of all kinds t!i ■ effects of Clarke’s Blind Mixture are marvellous. Thousands of wonderful cures hive been effected lay it. Clarke’s 8|..0 ! Mixture is sold everywhere at '.l l 1)1 per bottle, Beware ol worthless mutations and übstitubea.