WIT AND HUMOUR.

Cromwell Argus, Volume XXV, Issue 1268, 8 August 1893, Page 7

WIT AND HUMOUR.

It) matters of conscience first thoughts are best; in matters of prudence last thoughts are best. A duty of 5 cents a dozen on eggs tends to protect the American hen from the foreign yolk. ' A girl at our school,’ said Tommy, ‘is called Postscript, because her name is Adaline Moore.’ ’Tis the hardest thing in the world to bo a good thinker without being a good selfexaminer. Patient —* What do you think of a warmer climate for me, doctor ? ’ Doctor—* No, no; no! yet.’ Brassy—‘Your wife is a charming’woman I like her style.’ Fender— ‘ You wouldn’t if you had to pay for it.’ ‘ How’s things ? ’ asked the tailor. ‘On the mend,’ said the tinker. * How is it with you ? * ' Only sew sew.’ Enthusiastic Angler—‘l can’t fancy anyone not foi d of trout fishing.’ Tender-hearted ma'den--‘ Unless it be the trout/ Bobby— * You folks have got a mighty nice house to live in hain’t you?’ Johnny ‘ Nice nothin’! The stair banisters turn square corners/ Poor boy.—He— ‘ I drank some champagne, you know, and after a while it went to my bead.’ Sher-? That was the only empty place left, I suppose/ Mrs Goodkind—‘There’s only one trouble about poor Mr Careless. He’s generous to a fault.’ Mr Gruff—* Humph ! It’s a pity that he isn’t generous to his family/ Bride (throwing her arms about the bridegroom’s neck) —‘ You are my prisoner for life ! ’ Groom— 1 It’* not imprisonment for life, love ; it’s capital punishment/ ‘ I fell overboard’ said the sailor ‘ and the shark came along and grabbed me by the leg’ ‘And what did you do I let him have the leg. I never dispute with a shark/Daugfcter (looking up from her novel) — * Papa, in time of trial what do you suppose brings most comfoi tto a man ? ’ Papa (who is a newly appointed magistrate)—‘An acquittal, I should think.’ yMr Wickwire— ‘ What is that woman across the way trying to sing'?’ Mrs Wickwire—‘My sweethea' t’s the man in the moon/ Mr Wickwire—/Well, if He don’t hear it isn't her fault. „ ' Visitor—‘Why, : bo whig you are growing, Tommy ! If you don’t look out you will be getting taller than your father/ Tommy—--1 won’t that be jolly ? Then Pop’ll have to wear my o'd trousers cut down for him.’ ‘So you have written a novel?,’ ‘Yes/ ‘Has ypur.heroine satin skin velvet eye-lashes, ipd hair-like threadrofsspufi gold ? ’ ‘ Yes/ ‘ls her name Gwendoline *lt is.’ ‘ Then I don’t see why it shouldn’t be a success.’ For ‘ real elegant ’ English, it would bo difficult to surpass the following from the pen of a reporter of an American paper —‘At the close of the speech the company emphasised their appreciation of the sentiments by resortto manual and pedal agitation/ I ■■ Publican (loq ) —‘ Weel,;Sandy, an’how’*- 5 yer health this mornin’?’ Sandy—‘Man, Tam, my lungs are wheezing like a pair o’ worn-out bellows, an’ my heart is a’ wrang in the beat like a useless acht-day clock, an’ ma liver is far waur than onv o’ them; but otherwise I feel vera weel, Lat’s see a gill o’ yer best./ r% ft t ; . ; v rg- ja