FACETIAE.

Clutha Leader, Volume XXVI, Issue 1364, 5 January 1900, Page 7

FACETIAE.

I : , 'Yes, Fred told me that > you jilted i him. He thought you were awfully cruel.' ' And what did you l tell him?' ' I said that you were cruel only to bt [kind.' , " Little Brother : Do you what 1 ' ostentaticn ' means? Little Sister: | The way other people show off. Old Gentleman .: Why are you crying, my little man \ Sruafl Boy (sobbing) : 1~1 dreamt last ni'gjifc that the school burned down, and- Old Gentleman (sympathetically) : Oh! but 1 don't delieve that it has ! Small Boy : Neithei do I — l can see the top of it right over the hill ! Employer (meeting clerk on grandstand) : Spe here, Jenkins ! You told nae you would like to get off this afternoon and go to your mother-in-law's funeral-. Clerk : That's true, sir. I would like to do that first rate ; only she isn't do-ad. Restful Ways : I take everything (hat. comps my way. Second Storey Bill :, So do I ; and when they don't come I go after' them. She (triumphantly) : And I only paid half-a-crown a yard for that. He Is it possible % Why, it must be worth five shillings a yard, at least! She :' Yes ; but how did you know % He : Why, you paid half-a-crovvn. The burglar's wife was in the wit-ness-box, and the prosecuting attorney was conducting a vigotous cross-exam- I ination. ' Madam, you are the wife of this man?' 'Yes.' 'You knew he was a burglar when you married him V ' Yes.' ' How did you come to contract a matrimonial alliance with such a man V ' Well,' the witness said sarsastioally, ' I was getting old, and had to choose between a lawyer and a burglar. Jones : Do you think that a man can serve two masters 1 Smith : Well, sometimes; he may have a wife ard a grown daughter, you know ! His Wife : f Now d.on'i ferget while ye^re in the city to git some uv them lectric light parits""we' : Eeerfi > " I '§-o''"'fisrQSh' about. We kin jis' ez Y/ell raise 'em ourselves, an' save kerosene.' First Intelligent Citizen : I never could see that them astronomers was much u e e, anyway. Second Ditto Ditto : Why not ? First I C. : Well, here they're tellin' us there's a comet comin' flying towards the earth, and not a blamed one of them is doin' anything to prevent it.