FACETIAE.

Clutha Leader, Volume XX, Issue 1038, 15 June 1894, Page 7

FACETIAE.

It; seems to me that these ' suicide clubs' might be made excellent institu tions if the public were allowed to select the members. Justice, sternly : ' Why did you not interfere in this disgraceful fight 1 ?' Policeman : ' Faith, yer honour, Oi hadn't the heart to interfere in the best foight I've seen since Oi lift Connetnara.' ' What marvellous vitality Slithers has 1 ? He's been ill six months now. Any other man would have died.' 'It isn't vitality. It's the times. He is so hard up that he cannot even pay his last debt to nature.' ' Professor of Chemistry : ' Gentlemen, I hold in my hand a phial of soda. What chemical shall I combine with it to produce a valuable article of commerce V Goodsby (waking suddenly) : •Br-r-andy !' Tramp : ' Could you, please, give a poor man a little assistance or find him some employment V Gent : ' You can have some work on the spot. I have a heap of wood yonder ' Tramp : ' Hum — ah ! yes, I'll send you the man directly ; it's not for myself I am seeking a job, but for a friend of mine.' A French savant declares that fishes can talk. This may be so, but all the fish we ever became acquainted with weiv. silent. Possibly they were dumbfunded at the lies that the fisherman told about them. When will doctors learn to make their prescriptions so clear that they cannot be misunderstood 1 A German paper reports thi^ dialogue. Doctor : ' What — your dyspepsia no better 1 Did you follow my advice and drink hot water one hour before breakfast 1 ?' Patient t I did my best, doctor ; but I couldn't keep it up for more, than ten minutes." Haughty lady, who has just purchased a revenue stamp ; ' Must I put it on myself.' Clerk : ' Not necessarily ; It will probably be of greater service i£ you put it on the document. 1 *