FACETIAE.

Clutha Leader, Volume XX, Issue 1036, 8 June 1894, Page 7

F ACETIAE.

A facetious dandy who danced with a couple of clumsy girls at a party recently remarked that although he liked rings on his fingers, he could not stand belles on his toes. ' I am not aware that I had joined any temperance society,' said the editor. ' What's up now V ♦ Well, I wrote, "Let the galled jade squeak," and it reads, " Let the gallon jug leak !"' The author of Sussex Folk relates that on one occasion he was marrying a rustic pair, the bridegroom being afneted with a severe cold. The man snuffled frantically all through the early portion of the service, and then, when bidden to ' hold the ring ' on the bride's hand while being ' taught by the priest ' what to say, whispered in a loud aside to his best man, ' Bill, do'ee wipe my nose for me while I holds on to her !' ' Uncle Zeb,' said the magistrate, ' this is the third timo you have been arrested this month.' ' Yes, sah.' 1 How do you explain it 1 ?' 'Well, sah, dar's a new perleeceman on our beat.' ' Has that anything to do with the case V ' 1 dunno, sah ; on'y it sut'ny hez seemed ter me dat maybe he was kinder usin' me ter practise on.' Soutli Africa responds to modern innovations. A recent traveller in Kaffir] and tells this incident. 'As we were up-saddling, there passed us a man driving a small flock of goats and several head of cattle. This was the husband of a lady-physician who is ruining the practice of the local witchdoctors, and he was taking home his wife's fee for attending a patient.' Tommy : 'Mr V., my sister Laura said at table this morning that she thought you had the prettiest moustache she ever saw.' *Y. : You oughtn't to tell things you hear at table, Tommy.' Tommy : ' But she's going to give me a penny for telling jou.' A preachftr in the North once found his congregation going to sleep one Sunday before he had fairly begun. On seeing this, ho stopped and exclaimed, • Brethren, it's no fair ! Wait till I get a start, and then, if I am no worth listening to, gang to sleep ; but dinna nod your pows before I get commenced. Gie a buddy a chance !' The rejection of a recent offer to solve a certain criminal mystery by hypnotism lends point to the following imaginary dialogue in an American contemporary. Judge : ■ Have you hypnotised the prisoner V Conscientious professor : ' I have.' Judge,: ' Well, what are you waiting for ?' Conscientious professor : * I'm waiting for you to decide whether I shall make him confess that he did it or make him confess that he didn't,'