Facetiae.

Clutha Leader, Volume XX, Issue 1031, 27 April 1894, Page 3

Facetiae.

' Mr Scrapem,'said the hostess to an amateur violinist at an evening gathering, • You play the violin, do you not V ' Yes after afashon, you know,' was the modest reply. ' How nice !' murmured half the company. ' Did you bring your violin with you V ' .N"o I did not.' 'How nice !' murmured the other half of the company in fervent unison. She was scolding him for the lateness of- the hour of his arrival the night before. 'You didn't get in until 1 o'clock, ' she said. 'My dear,' he expostulated, ' You are mistaken, I hearh the clock strike ten as I came up stairs.' ' Goodness gracious !' she exclaimed, ' I know you were seeing ten objects where there should only be one, but I didn't know your hearing was affected the same way,' and thereafter he was speechless. Mr W. K Le Fanu tells an amusing story of a man who was accidently knocked down by the buffer of an engine near Bray Station, Ireland. He was partially stunned but not seriously hurt. One of the porters who ran to his assistance cried ont, ' Take him to the station at once !' The fallen man though that the police station was meant. ' What do you want to take me to the station for The said. l You know who I am, and if I've done any damage to your dashed engine, sure I'm able to pay for it.' A man at Birmingham, United States, America, has been fined lOdol for greeting the cheif magistrate in the street witb ; ' Hello ! old hoss !' This mode of address bears the stam.p of Republican simplicity, and is popular in the States. But in this case it was clealy bad in fact as well as in form. It is not only rude, but inaccurate to call a mayor a ' hoss.' Mr Pinks : — 'My wife has no sympathy with this female emancipation movement. She says womam's sphere is the home.' Mrs Strongmind : ' When were you married % Mr Pinks : Last Week.' New Nurse : ' Please, mum, I can't do a thing with the baby. He cries all the time.' Mistress : ' Well, I declare ! How stupid of me 1 His other nurses were coloured girls. You'll find some stovp. polish in the kitchen.' ' Ye knew Kerrigan's whisky-shop 1 Well, one day Kerrigan was standin' chattin' wid his wife, when the shopwindy all at once wint dark, an' Kerrigan roars out — 'What for are ye puttin' up the shutters so airly ? says he. An'faix 'twas no wondher ye'd think it, for ould Hennessy of Ballybofey had 1 fallen down in the street, an' it was thfe two good-lookin' feet of him stickin 7 up i that was darkenin' the shop, Ax ! Kerrigan himself ay it wasn't 1'