Funngisms.

Clutha Leader, Volume I, Issue 14, 8 October 1874, Page 4

Funngisms.

A -Bar*r«ri^oclc;-ii vVhen the cradled baby refuses to go" to sleep, \ , Epita|)hj;for ia icanlbal:— "Onewho loved his fellow men. When does a mao contrive to move in a very small space f^Wheh fie T cokes downstairs in his slippers. „«-..• „ „. , A country boy; Mving 'heard of sailors heaving anchors, 'wanted to/.. know if it ; was siea-sick.ness 'I thatLmade them do-it. •;•'•'• "' :; ,:;'.';."/'..' ,'./}".'■; r^ r " Well, my young 'gentleman, ;how, would ybu like your .haircut ?" ■ . : .«, Oh! like papa's— w/th 1 a little round, hole -at the top,", ; 7 : ';:^/' 7\ , s ..*' ..* Why do you open.a volumne of . Dr. Watt's hymns ?—To ", "s^o Wfltt's inside. ■''. Advipe to. ah Amateur .yiolinif t„-^ Rather than play indifferently, .wait till you .can play^differentjy. - -; , , A man by the name, pf Bryne, living in' New York, iately experimented, witt> - laudanum to cure his appetite for, rum. His'widbw.says it is a success... . ■ .-: A good clergyman in lowa, speaking, •, against' the re-estab^hnjent of the deatljL penalty there,; says he do : es not want., his congregation, thin ned but too. fast. ' , ', One who wishes the world, to know what he knows about . farming; says , -that the best way to raise strawberries, is with a spoon. ,' " / j „/, ' The editor of the !•■ Blazes' Leader/' ; noticing * the' present of a cup to the:, editor, of the, * Blazes Herald,* says:— " He needs no cup. - He can drinvfronj any vessel that contains liquor, whether the heck of a bottle,; the mouth of a pickle jar, the spike of a .keg, or the bung of a barrel. 'l . . . , Some singers at a concert were somewhat startled the other evening by find-. > ing that the selection, '? When wearied wretches sink to sleep," had beenprinted on the programmes, " When married „ wretches," &c. • '." '.'"■'.: ■* He was an honest man, that ..Clutha; ; farmer. He, s^id. that the hogs pf his. ; district were so fat that, in order .o find out where their bea^s. were, jt was ne- . pessary to make them squeal, -and then, , judge by the sound. ' ../-■','.... A man on the diggings recently, died from swallowing a pocket-knife andjn-. jurious medical treatment combined.. He got along very nicely as long.as the knife was closed, but when the doctor gave him opening medicine, it killed him. . • '.'-..*.. A Maine clergyman says that, if the bones of all the victims of intemperance could be gathered together and made, into a pyramid, ho plain could be. found large enough fpr its base, to rest upon, and ihe pl&hets wpuis have to be swept aside to make-room for its apex. Dr. Stone has been edifying his congregation with that , well-authenticated story about Samson slaying threethousand Philistones with; the iaw-bone of an ass. We have, always. religiously believed the narrative, but never had , conviotion so fully brought borne tojoun hearts as when witnessing the ease with.: which Dr. Stone wielded . the. . same. . weapon;, : '-•-• [ ■ ,p- ■ '■'■■■P y ■ ■■ ■ „ An Englishman .becoming incensed at the boastfulness of a Yankee .as to ; tiie superiority of American inventions,, .exclaimed-i—" Pshaw I. they are ;,p,f ; np .account. Why, a houser painter in, my : neighborhood grained a door so exactly, in imitation, of oak. that last yearit put forth leaves, and grew an excellent crop, of acorns; and another fellow has just taught ducksto swim in hot* water, and with such success, that, they lay boiled o g£B-" „,.,."," *P r "■■'-> r'.-r - . . We always did relish, a. bit. of fine ; writing now* and then, and this from . the ' Fort Scott Telegram.i s peculiarly good:— "Death, with flesbl ess .knuckles, wrapped at the door , of Mrs. j, N. B.s soul, and obedient to the inexorable, call* the spirit, of that loved woman floated, up to its Creator, leaving her beloved husband, children, and friends, to mourn over the mortal casket." . , '.',. ,^ .Prater v. Profanity .--- A worthy minister of Fintray had .a ; factotum whose notions of askjng special;'bles'sings we're- ' • very limited. On one occa§ion ihe wanted j some stones,- and thought a' number. ly-' ! ing on a piece of tallow ground -belong- , ing; to the glebe would suit him." Haying got .the-. minister's permission to take i ; them, John yoked ibis cart ;: • but the : ground was tcb soft; for man and beast. The minister seeing the quandary John was in, advised v him r "to. ofldriip'a ,; prayer, for. frost." Next day there hap-' ' penpd to cqme -a:; severe frost, and John .wa&busy^at work.. The minister* hap- -' pened to pass;! and, observing the mari <--' Actively engaged, said itorhim^,** Weil,' John, .your, prayer has been heard." '■•' Johu's ..reply -f'was ; at least candid. 1 .Wieeh sir, it wad need: it's nae-afVeu I.aeek a favor." „: ; ' ' • Which is ; wiich.-^. Ahy 'Pat P? said a BoHpolmistre T ssito a thicki-headedur- :'' chin, into { whpse ; muddy brain shff was attemptjing tp beat the;alphabet, r "I'm afraid - you jit never • learn 'anything, Nowv'what's thatietter, eh ?"-f-" Sure; " don't you know; ma'am ?" replied ' Pat. .^ffl thought you could have recollected" that/W^yVhyyjina'am T^f* Because .it ha« a dot over the top ofit.V— -"Och, '' ma ? am,jlmind,it.weli, butsure-Tthbught;' 0 it was a fly speck."— -Well; remember;- ' ' Pat, it's I "— " You, f ma'am T'— " Nby/ no l.not TJ, but I, blbckhead^'— "Och, yes :! faith now, I have /it, ma'am yjovL' mean to say that you, not!} aVe^ block^ ' beadi'^^ooliv fool-!'?^exclajmjpd 'the 5 ' . lady^ almost. bursting'wit^rag:^ as ybu pja^^V^epliednPativ:V**jF^Gl^blp pblockhead;, it's m.) 'matter which^ '^ a^ : ■ ;to me/so-lbhg a'syyou" are free^ 1» own • '