Caring about oneself

Press, 18 December 1989, Page 36

Caring about oneself

Codependant No More. By Melody Beattie. Collins Dove, 1989. 255 pp. $17.95 (paperback). (Reviewed by Greg Jackson) This book has the subtitle, “How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself.” If you spend most of your life wondering what she (or he) is up to, and how can you modify this behaviour to suit your idea of what is best for her (or him) — then this is the book for you. Codependancy is a recently codified concept that can best be likened to pregnancy. It is impossible to be a little bit pregnant; and equally impossible to be a wee bit condependant. However, like any sickness of the soul, the further in progression it is the easier it is to detect. The concept of codependancy is still sufficiently new that the fight between factions in the caring industry for proprietorial control has yet to take place. Some of the best trail-blazing work in severing the bonds of codependancy, and in freeing the victim, is being done locally at Queen Mary Hospital, at Hanmer. Codependancy appears to be such a deep-seated behaviour pattern that an amalgam of traditional 12-step programmes such as Alanon, and some foundation setting from an able counsellor, is possibly the best approach in breaking codependant patterns. What makes “Codependant No

More” an excellent work is that the author has been through the compulsion/addiction mill herself and made an impressive recovery from both addiction and codependancy. So it is not empty theorising that greets the reader but an informed, aware waltz through the illness of codependancy leading in time to a gentle guiding to the escape route. The fact the author is a woman is also a “plus” in that the traditional nurturing conditioning that women experience makes them particularly prone to codependancy. To illustrate, nine out of 10 men with an addicted spouse will leave them, one out of 10 women with an addicted partner will do the same. This tendency to take on responsibility for another’s sick actions takes a terrible toll on the individual. Loss of self-esteem can develop into loss of identity; caring can mutate into tyrannical monitoring; love can twist into hate. The feelings of pain, loss and insecurity spawned by codependancy corrode the life of the victim and ultimately rob them of their own right to seek happiness and autonomy. “Codependancy No More" is one of the best works for a layperson on this topic to be released this decade; for those who find their business is minding other people’s it provides a reliable path toward recovery. Of course, as Ms Beattie would be quick to advise, they want to get well must come from within the individual.