Cruelness often is kindness

Press, 30 August 1989, Page 21

Cruelness often is kindness

LYN SMITH thinks support from other parents was the thing which kept her sane after her drug-addict son committed suicide in late 1987. Peter began taking drugs at the age of about 15. By 22, having drained every last drop of support from his family and having reached breaking point, he hanged himself. Although Lyn had brought up four other children with few problems, she still felt an enormous guilt over Peter’s death. Something she had or hadn’t done was to blame for his addiction.

If she had done more, she could have saved him. A turning point for her came at a forum on detoxification services in Canterbury last year. After speaking at the forum Lyn told the Odyssey House director, Geoff Soma, that she did not want her son’s death to be a waste. She asked what she could do to help drug abusers, or those affected by their habit. The answer was a parent sup-port-scheme run in conjunction with Odyssey. Lyn helped set up the programme. She was president for the first eight months and is still a member.

“I went into it totally blind, but it turned out okay. I would still be on a guilt trip now if it wasn’t for parent support.” For Lyn, the battle against drugs is not yet won. Before Peter died, he fathered a child in Australia. The mother was a drug abuser and the child was born an addict. Lyn recently travelled to Australia to try to help mother and child break the habit. She wishes she could convince more parents of the relief support groups can bring. Although there have been up to 17 parents in the Odyssey support programme, the average is about seven. There are usually between 30 and 40 drug abusers on the house’s programme at any one time. “Where we have a contact number for parents, we call them, but you get more Nos than Yeses,” says Lyn. “They say they haven’t got the problem.” She disagrees, saying that parents of abusers are frequently "rescuers.” Unless they come to terms with this, they will continue to play the same role — sacrificing their own need for those of others, particularly the drug abuser. “It’s really hard to let go and say enough is enough. The day I did my son hanged himself. He

used up the whole family and I was the last resort.” Before members of the support programme rescue their child again, they are encouraged to telephone another member for support. Lyn says drug addiction is a family disease. Brothers, sisters, grandparents and other relatives all play different roles. Frequently, siblings will cover for the addict’s problems. Because the whole family is affected by the problem, they should all be involed in the support process which Lyn says will help stablise the family.

She says some people, particularly fathers, will not join support programmes because of shame and denial that something is wrong with their child. “Fathers tend to be more ashamed that they may have done something wrong that has caused it.

“Parents have to stop blaming themselves. They don’t put the drink or drugs in their child’s mouth or shoot it up their arms,” she says.

“They do give them money, but only education will stop that. It’s hard to see your kid on the street, but sometimes you have to do it.”

Another parent, Sandy, admits she initially went to support meetings as an excuse to see her son, Nigel, when he was in the Odyssey programme. But she found the support so helpful that she is continuing to attend even though Nigel has now given up drugs. She says the most important aspect of it is being able to share experiences with people who have been through the same scene, and to “let off steam.” Guest speakers often address meetings on issues related to drug addiction. Films on the subject are also screened. Members are kept up-to-date with the latest information on addiction,.

Lyn Smith says the only other support programmes offered in Christchurch that she knows of are Naranon, Alanon, a programme at the Polydrug Centre, and Tough Love, which is for parents of any difficult children, not just drug abusers.

She believes there should be more programmes such as these available, and more education advising people of the benefits they can bring. @ Any parents of substance abusers who want to contact the Odyssey House parent support programme should telephone the president (Christchurch 892-758).