The heart of the matter

Press, 11 July 1989, Page 19

The heart of the matter

Ken Strongman

on television

“Heartline’’ on Thursday had overtones of a moneyless Telethon or a “Crimewatch” involving only self-abuse. I suppose this sort of programme — Sharon Crosbie kept calling it a “show” — is a good idea, but it also seemed like an excuse to wheel out all the good old local diehards who have not actually graced the box for some time. McPhail and Gadsby, Peter Hawes, Lynn of Tawa (brilliant as ever) were all there doing their best to get the message across. In the modern style of everything happening at once (“Hill Street Blues” has much to answer for),, the entire studio audience was having its vital statistics taken and a panel of experts was personning the telephones, and continued to do so throughout the week-end. So much for the foreground and background. The middle ground was full of one of those enormous, grotesquely whimsical models which will look even more obscene to future television historians than they do now. It represented the

inside of the heart and major blood vessel and appeared to be made from plasticised candyfloss supported ■ by pink batts. It was large enough to contain people dressed up as blood corpuscles. At the moment the corpuscles are probably having nightmares about what they looked like and had to do and say. Much of it involved diving through the blood vessels, carrying balls labelled oxygen and carbon diox-

ide, and cracking smutty jokes, like Benny Hill without the sauce. Their saving grace came from the comment that an innuendo is an Italian suppository. While on good comments, Lynn of Tawa’s best was the description of someone as having "bosoms like a dead heat in a zeppelin race.” The guests did their best to walk the high wire of live television. Some spoke as though they were making an appearance in court and others had the brightly brittle manner of someone who believes that a star might be in the process of being born. Ironically, it was probably producing high blood pressure all round. The best moment came from Julia the blood tester. “Cholesterol,” she said, “is a hartefact.” It made the entire 90 minutes worth while. Behind all the froth there was some good basic information in “Heartline.” The risks inherent in smoking and overeating were certainly made very clear, not that they were not already. One suspects, though, that

programmes of this sort do not actually change anything; they preach to the converted. Surely there are not many people about who do not know that smoking, overeating and taking no exercise increase the risks of heart attacks. We all know what we are and are not doing these days and human corpuscles roaring rudely through a plastic model won’t change it. Sharon and co. tried, they attempted to put some sparkle in it. Sharon made maximum use of her engaging twinkle, but it was not really enough to lift the show from the commonplace and rather tatty. But its heart was in the right place, if a litle too large and plastic. Tailpieces. (1) Judy Bailey is terrific and the cot death kiss of life advertisement from the Child Health Research Foundation is timely, but why do they speak of dealing with “baby,” rather than “the baby”? It is nearly as bad as “Doctor will see you now.” (2) What defines “young” in the Young Farmers’ Contest?