Negotiating peace settlements

Press, 6 April 1989, Page 16

Negotiating peace settlements

“Send the baby back!” “You don’t mean that. You know you love her.”

“He always decides to drum when Pm trying to do my homework.” “Take it easy, just close your door."

“Why can’t you hang up your clothes like your brother?”

“You gave him more than me.” “No I didn’t. 1 gave you both four pancakes."

Sounds familiar? As parents, we are tempted to deny the, negative feelings our children express about each other, compare acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in them, try and treat them equally. According to Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, we may be making things worse rather than better.

Through a series of role-playing exercises and cartoon situations, they help parents to understand the reasons for different forms of sibling rivalry, and suggest effective ways of dealing with it. Negative feelings Children need to be helped to express their negative feelings towards each other without doing damage, they say.

Brothers and sisters need to have their feelings about each other acknowledged, not dismissed. So when a child says: “I’m gonna kill him! He took my new skateboard” try using words that identify the feeling: “You sound furious!” or acknowledging the wish: “You wish he’d ask before using your things,” or encouraging a symbolic or creative activity: “How would you feel about making a ‘Private Property’ sign and hanging it on your cupboard door?” Children need to have their hurtful actions stopped, and be shown how to discharge angry feelings acceptably: “Tell him with words how angry you are. Tell him, ‘I don’t want my skateboard used without my permission.’ ” From the experience of parents trying these methods, and modifying them to suit their own needs, the authors conclude that the route to sibling harmony is a puzzling paradox: Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings; allowing for bad feelings between the children led to good feelings. Faber and Mazlish quote psychologist Dorothy Baruch: Not till the bad feelings come out can the good ones come in. Avoid Comparisons Comparisons are one

way of ensuring that sibling rivalry hots up, they warn. Even praising one child in the presence of another can be interrupted ass a put-down by some children. Instead of making an unfavourable comparison, describe the problem, they suggest, and instead of making a favourable comparison, simply describe what you see. Speak only about the behaviour that pleases or displeases you. Unique, not equal One persistent myth the authors debunk is that children have to be treated equally. “To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely — for one’s own special self — is to be loved as much' as we need to be loved.” Instead of giving equal amounts, give according to individual need, they advise. Instead of “Here, now you have just as many grapes as your sister,” try: “Do you want a few grapes, or a big bunch?” Instead of showing equal love — “I love you the same as your sister” — try: "You are the only ‘you’ in the whole wide world. No-one could ever take your place.” Instead of “After I’ve spent 10 minutes with your sister, I’ll spend 10 minutes with you,” try: “I know I’m spending a lot of time going over your sister’s homework. It’s important to her. As soon as

I’ve finished, I want to hear what’s important to you.”

Cast in a role

Assigning roles to children can be harmful, they warn, whether it is ‘the musician of the family,’ ‘the academic one,’ ‘the bully’ or ‘the victim.’

‘No child should be allowed to corner the market on any area of human endeavour. We want to make it clear to each of our children that the joys of scholarship, dance, drama, poetry, sport are for everyone and not reserved for those who have special aptitude,” they say.

“There are a lot of little boys and girls out there who are being cheated of their rightful opportunities because of a sibling’s prowess.”

Children need to. be freed to change out of the roles into which they have been cast, or have cast for themselves, they insist.

"Children are born with different personality traits. But as parents we have the power to influence those traits, to give nature a helping hand. Let’s use our power wisely. Let’s not place our children in roles that will defeat them.”

The bully needs to be freed to be compassionate; the victim needs to be freed to be strong. “If Mike threatens his sis-

ter — ‘Get outta my room or I’ll clobber you!” —

instead of "You’re being a bully again” try: “No clobbering! You know how to get what you need without physical force.” When the siblings treat him as a bully, try: ‘He knows how to be nice, too, and ask for what he wants in a friendly way.”

When he sees himself as a bully — “I’m a meanie!” — help him see his capacity for kindness: “You also know how to be a ‘kindee’ — And I expect you to start right now!”

If Mike attacks his sister, attend to the sister without attacking him, they advise?

It is not only the bully that needs help. The “victim” needs to be shown how to stand up for himor herself, and shown his or her potential strength. Fighting What to do when children fight is the biggest worry for many parents, the authors find While they agree as a general rule it is best to ignore the bickering and let children sort out their arguments for themselves, there are times when parents need to know how to intervene helpfully. Standard strategies “Stop it! Who started it? Shame on you! Go to your rooms!” — only lead to more frustration and resentment between children.

Instead, they suggest a five-step approach:

1. Start by acknowledging the children’s anger towards each other. That alone should help calm them.

2. Listen to each child’s side with respect. 3. Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem.

4. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution.

5. Leave the room. If the situation looks potentially dangerous, check if it’s a play fight or a real fight — playfights are allowed, according to the authors, provided the fighting is by mutual consent. Parents need to let their children know this: if it’s not fun for both, it’s got to stop.

When the situation is definitely dangerous, adults must intervene. The authors suggest the most effective way is to describe what you see: “I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other,” then separate the children:

“It’s not safe to be together. We must have a cooling-off period. Quick, you to your room and you to yours!”

“Sibling Without Rivalry” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is published by Sidgwick and Jackson, distributed in New Zealand by Macmillan at $39.95.