Coping with bad-mannered children

Press, 15 February 1989, Page 17

Coping with bad-mannered children

It is probably a sign of age when one begins to notice ill manners in children.

While I do not expect my children, at their tender pre-school ages, to be able to carry on sophisticated and witty cocktail-hour conversation, I like their short and simple exchanges to be as polite as possible.

Thus, when my son looked me firmly in the kneecaps the other day (he had not yet met his minimum height requirement) and said “Biscuit” in a demanding tone, I asked, “Biscuit what?” This threw him temporarily as “Biscuit” was as far as his little mind had unfolded. "Two biscuits?” he said in a more hopeful tone. “Biscuit please,” . I countered.

Having got the desired result, I then got an unsolicited thank you for my trouble when the biscuit was handed over.

While he may think this is a lot of trouble to go to for one biscuit, it is a routine he is going to get used to. Demands of this sort might be cute at the age of three, but they are a definite assault on the ear at 13.

Shaping the manners of your children is a breeze compared to shaping the manners of other people’s. First, it is not, and should not be, your job to do so. Your first option is always to ignore bad man-

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ners in other people’s children and hope they, or the child, will go away. The second option is to step on them hard everytime they infringe them. It rather depends on how much you see of other people’s badmannered children and your ability to pretend you did not hear what they said. It also, of course, depends on how much you value the friendship of the parents or guardians of that child.

I have seen, and heard, parents of little horrors bemoan the fact that their friends are deserting them in droves. Their friends have obviously decided that visits are not worth the hassle of having to deal with dear little Tristram interrupting adult conversation at 30 decibels every 10 seconds with unreasonable requests. Nor do they feel up to replacing the contents of their china cabinet for the third time that month. It is here they make a choice: Either they decide the friendship is worth

everything they possess, including their sanity, and smile grimly through such visits. Or, they decide the friendship can only stand limited visits when the children accompany them. Or, they take their life in their hands and blurt out the truth. Unfortunately, telling people their children are socially unacceptable very rarely brings about the desired change.

Parents do not like being told these things. As a parent, I would not like to be told. Which is why I am taking preventative action now. Children who are not welcome anywhere, be it in adult company or that of their peers, are lonely children. No-one asks them to play, no-one wants them around, everyone ignores them to the best of their ability when they are

about the place. What a sad little world they must live in. For one friend of mine, the loudly whinging and demanding tones of a companion’s child is the price she is willing to pay to be with the companion. I asked her how long she thought she could sustain this quiet martrydom. She said, looking at the trail of destruction through her house, that today was not a good day to ask.