Santa and his subtle diversions

Press, 19 December 1988, Page 16

Santa and his subtle diversions

Wilsons Week...

Now that the Americans have unveiled their Stealth fighter and bomber we can turn our attentions to a more elusive and topical subject — the Stealth Santa. The Stealth aircraft have been in secret development for several years and apparently can sneak across sensitive terrain without being detected. Nothing new in that. Parents have been doing the same thing every Christmas for a century. While the Stealth planes only have to avoid enemy radar, parents have a much more difficult task — avoiding the super-sensitive antennae of children. Before launching a late-night mission on Christmas Eve, parents always undergo several practice runs in daylight. This usually involves arriving home with suspicious bulky parcels and having to fend off inquisitive anklebiters. “What’s in your bag, daddy?” “That? Oh, it’s nothing. Just a wigwam for a goose’s bridle.” “Show us.”

Subtle diversions are swiftly needed. “Oh look, a spacecraft has landed in the backyard and the aliens are doing morris dancing on the lawn!” That can buy you sufficient time to hide the parcels. With practice, the swift concealment of bulky packages can be achieved within 30 seconds of arriving home. The Stealth Santa always checks the terrain before embarking on The Big One. This is crucial because the Stealth Santa must negotiate that most sensitive of unfamiliar terrains — the children’s bedroom. The covert mission must be carried out in total darkness. Santa still has painful memories of past years. When laden down with sackfuls of goodies he was felled by a carelessly discarded toy in the middle of the bedroom floor. Dear old Santa cursed under his breath and scrambled about on all fours, reassembling the packages, fearful that two little toy-seeking fer-

rets would home in on his mutterings. So a general sweep of the area is advised. This is never easy because on Christmas Eve the children are nuclear powered, operating on hyperdrive, when even the cat jumping on to the windowsill is mistaken for an advance reindeer. “He’s here!” “Look again. When did you last see a cat pulling a sleigh?” Ways of combating child excitement need to be practised during the next few days. An 80km route march this Saturday might be invigorating, but perhaps a tad over the top for preschoolers. A day at the beach might tire them out and pave the way for the

Stealth Santa. But on the other hand Santa might be too knackered for the mission that night. Santa also needs to be careful about his fuel intake on the evening. A couple of nips of rocket fuel will suitably warm the insides. A full tank will jeopardise the mission, as it is not good form to have Santa reeling around the darkened room serenading the neighbourhood with an incoherent rendition of “Jingle Bells.” Moderation in all things is advised. As of today the clock is running and countdown is T minus five days. By about 10 p.m. on Saturday you should be able to coax the children into their beds amid news broadcasts that • Santa and his sleigh are somewhere between the North Pole and Christchurch. Around midnight the Stealth Santa can be rolled out for the supersecret mission across the hallway. A word of warning. Should one of the children awake and catch

Stealth Santa, you are on your own. If cornered, you could always pretend to be an alien morris dancer and

foxtrot your way back to safety. At that hour of the night, kids will believe anything. — DAVE WILSON