Family Court counsellors can help you

Press, 29 September 1988, Page 16

Family Court counsellors can help you

“We need to love both of you. Don’t make us part of your fight,” pleads a child in “You’re still Mum and Dad.” An often moving dramatised documentary, it highlights the needs of the children when a marriage- is breaking up. The video was made by the Family Courts Association in Auckland and is one of the resources used by Christchurch’s four Family Court counselling co-ordinators. Their services are available free of charge to couples having problems with family relationships, whether they are considering separating or not. Their main aim, says the senior coordinator, Ann Caseley, is to encourage people to make decisions for themselves, and to use the court processes only as a last resort. A trained social worker and marriage guidance counsellor, she set up the counselling service in 1982. One of the reasons for introducing the Family Courts was to reduce tension and hostility in marriage and family disputes, and the co-ordinators are convinced the counselling and mediation services are helping to achieve this. “Now, two years after divorce, people are still communicating with each other, whereas before they were still fighting when they got divorced,” says another co-ordinator, Dianne France. This is especially significant for any children involved. "Children do better if they see as much of both parents as possible,” she says. The service operates on three levels: early counselling before any legal proceedings have begun; counselling and mediation within the court system; and intervention where necessary to establish the parenting needs of the children.

The service refers an average of 150 people a month for counselling by specialists in the field. “Probably about three-quarters of our total referrals solve things for themselves,” says Ann Caseley. “That leaves one quarter to use the court system and a final five per cent need the judges to make decisions for them. “But for those five per cent it is very destructive for the children,” she says. “It takes about five months to get there.” Out of just over 4800 applications for custody made in 1985, the latest year for which they have figures, almost 3500 were dealt with by counselling and did not return to the family court.

The co-ordinators would like their services to be more Widely used. At present, about 90 per cent of their clients come only after deciding to separate, and have no interest in reconciliation. Lawyers may not need to be involved in the separation, except perhaps to deal with matrimonial property, she says. “People think the first thing you need to do if you decide to separate or even if you have family problems, is to go to a lawyer — but the lawyer will probably refer you to the Family Court counselling services,” she says.

“We’d like people to come before they get to that stage,” says Dianne France. “Generally, most people who separated before the law changed went to a lawyer and used litigation. It was a fault decision, so most people went to court. Now no-one needs to use the court at all,” Ann Caseley points out. “A couple can separate, make a decision about care of the children, and two years later get a divorce.” Counselling is helpful because the physical process of separating and the financial considerations that go with that are compounded by the emotional strain people suffer. “People separating go through a really significant grief process, like a death. Even to decide to separate is very hard,” Ann Caseley says. “Asking people to make decisions about their future — especially children — while they’re grieving is very hard. “Sometimes it’s asking more than people can give — that’s why we offer help.” The importance of counselling is underlined, the co-ordinators feel, by the likelihood of a second marriage or de facto relationship collapsing. Only seven per cent of second or subsequent marriages survive, they say. Counselling before or during the breakdown of the first relationship can help achieve communication skills, identify problems, and show where changes can be made. “To complicate the situation for a second marriage, there are still children from the first marriage who need contact with the birth parent as well as

the step parent,” Ann -Caseley points out. Visiting can cause difficulties and needs a certain amount of communication and planning between former partners. The children’s welfare is paramount, they say. “You're still Mum and Dad,” is screened at lunchtimes and after work during the first and third weeks of the month. Anyone can come in off the street to see it, says Dianne France. “People take from it what they want for themselves, depending on the stage they are at. Often we suggest they come back more than once. The message from the children is: Please help us to feel good about both of you. “Sometimes it’s really hard not to tell children to hate someone because of what they’ve done to you,” Dianne France acknowledges. “The advice from the children to their parents is: ‘Take care of yourselves because you can’t look after us till you have looked after yourself’ — in other words, seek help.” The video has been so well received it is also being used by similar services in Los Angeles. The service is at present making another video for people who recognise they are having problems in their relationship. It shows what options they have and how to seek help. The co-ordinators are also, available to speak to community groups. “The • general reaction I’ve found when speaking to these groups is, ‘This is the information we need. Why haven’t we heard it before?’” says Dianne France.

t( Even to decide to separate is very hard”