Power sharing with teenagers

Press, 21 July 1988, Page 9

Power sharing with teenagers

Parents do not have to be at odds with their teenagers, believes Sue Billing, national education spokesperson for the Family Planning Association. In her experience, learning some simple communication skills can make the world of difference.

The key thing to recognise is that teenagers do have rights — to their own opinions, their own values, their privacy — and so do parents, she says. The problem is that these opinions and values may well be different, so parents’ relationships with their teenagers can easily turn into a power struggle. One of the natural changes of adolescence is to challenge power, she says.

“A lot of parents are wanting respect from their children and wanting to respect their teenagers, but it’s difficult because teenagers are trying to be separate people and feelings can polarise particularly strongly. “Our feelings take over and we blurt it out all wrong.” Parents wanting to communicate effectively with their children and help them learn to make responsible decisions are often hampered by their own experience of a more authoritarian upbringing, she feels. “They have got to learn a new set of skills because they were brought up in a one-up, one-down relationship and can’t seem to find the skills to allow

both to share power,” she says, emphasising that the issue is one of personal power, not having power over someone else.

"It doesn’t mean the parent has to go one-down and let the teenager run over them.

“In some respects, of course, because children are in the care of their parents, parents do have the power in the relationship, but they can recognise ways of not using that power unfairly.” To help parents relate better to their teenagers, the Family Planning Association has produced a pamphlet, “Talking with your teenagers,” which suggests some simple strategies to keep lines of communication open and encourage mutual respect. A good model, Sue Billing says, is:

© Say how you feel, © State the situation, © Ask for what you would like. “That sort of approach is less likely to create a power struggle than a ‘you’ message that puts the other person down,” she says. “And parents taking our courses have found it really does work.”

A special section in the pamphlet deals with sexuality. “The Family Planning Association sees parents as the prime human relations educators of their teenagers, but we find often parents and teenagers have difficulty talking about sexuality,”

says Sue Billing. “Parents haven’t got a lot of modelling because it wouldn’t have been talked about much by their parents.”

A companion leaflet, “Talking to your parents,” suggests to teenagers ways of relating better to their parents, talking to them in a respectful way, and recognising parents’ right:; to their own opinions and values. It suggests similar strategies to the parents’ pamphlet, including choosing a good time and place, practising what you want to say beforehand, and being prepared to listen too — if you want them to listen to you.

These skills are useful not just for parents and children, but in any human relationships, Sue Billing says. Using them is catching. “I know that my children have learnt these skills from my using them.. I feel free to say what I want from them and so do they. I know they appreciate it — they say so.” Her children are 16, 13 and 11.

It can be hard, she agrees, if only one partner in a couple wants to practise these skills, while the other prefers the traditional authoritarian approach. “But if you use those skills in spite of your partner, the children will be exposed to different ways of operating — and can choose later which way to use.”

Teachers and schools can also feel threatened by children saying how they feel, she says. “Both parents and children may need support to keep validating their skills and experience but recognise that not everyone chooses to act that way.” Where parents want to follow up on some of the ideas in the pamphlets. Family Planning Education Units offer discussion groups on topics such as living with teenagers, changes at puberty and adolescent sexual issues. They also see individual parents and families. Both pamphlets are being distributed to parent and community groups, and are available free of charge from the Family Planning Association.