Shared growing pains

Press, 24 September 1987, Page 10

Shared growing pains

“Most teenagers are perfectly normal. They spend their time doing the normal things that teenages do: dominating the telephone, playing music unbearably loud, never tidying their bedroom, staying out late, and being incredibly moody. They simply don’t understand why parents get upset ‘Don’t they know what’s normal?’ “Well, that’s the point — perhaps they don’t'” writes Dr David Bennett, father of four and Head of the Adolescent Medical Unit at the Royal Alexandra Hospital for Children in Sydney, in his book "Growing Pains — What to do when your children turn into teenagers.”

Here are some of his insights on: The perils of puberty — Both teenagers and parents can survive the perils of puberty if they know what’s going on. In many ways, the most difficult part of the whole business is the related feelings and behaviour. What is most important is that parents are able to encouarge their children to greet the changes tha occur during puberty with understanding, acceptance, and pride. These days, with thinness being all the rage, a good thing for parents to tell their daughters is how normal, appropriate, and attractive are the deposits of fat on hips, thighs, and breasts that produce the female shape that women naturally have. Somehow, we have to amend the

notion that Nature has got it all wrong. Contraception is. something that parents should talk to their teenagers about because it’s so vital. We want our sons and daughters to be protected from grief. We might merely make them aware that Family Planning clinics exist. Of course, not everybody would be as blunt as the mother who announced to her kids, “Your father keeps his condoms in the drawer next to the bed. Nobody’s counting.” Dealing with adolescent rebellion is the supreme test for parents. This is when you need to have a credible track re-

cord in regard to establishing clear guidelines, providing a good example, and being willing to allow your own values and opinions to be challenged while sticking to your guns. Infuriatingly normal behaviour. The secret is to underrCact. The teenagers whose parents are able to view their “interesting get-ups,” or desire to try them out, with bemused understanding, are doing well.

Perhaps it should occur to us, when we’re complaining about oiir oddlooking kids, that they might not be too impressed with how we look either. If we’re lucky, they’ll be too polite to say so! Middlescence: Consider some of the stranger things that parents are doing in their middle years: • to be successful they’re spending all their time at work or sitting on committees (usually with people they can’t stand). •to behealthy they’re getting heavily into vita-, mins and health food. • to be fit they’re jogging - up and down fte beach or pounding inner-city streets.

• to be in touch with their inner selves, they’re embracing special therapies. • to be calm, and when all else fails, they’re getting into alcohol or tranquillisers. Parents are people too, and recognising this is good for teenagers as well. Growing up is actually more manageable when the oldies aren’t always hovering around, sweaty and anxious, waiting for something awful to

■happen. Family — for teenagers, the family home is the security base from which they take off to check out the world. It is like an aircraft carrier, always there to welcome them back when they return. Sibling strife — The factors involved include: • An excruciating sensitivity to any comment or glance in reference to their bodies, or embarrassed Interest in the opposite sex. • An exceptional degree of physical gratification related to pushing and shoving; so that when she squeals, “he keeps touching me," she might not actually want to be res- ’ cued. • An exquisite sense of fair play coupled with a

climate of constant inequity; have you noticed how kids measure things? we line up four glasses and pour milk — woe betide if the levels do not turn out exactly equal! •An exhausting and ruthless struggle for scarce parental attention (usually when parents are

absolutely exhausted and have practically nothing to give). • An extraordinary resistance to any adult-in-spired measure to prevent «• > The daily grind — There are certain tasks mum should definitely not take on. These include: picking up other people’s dirty clothing; making other people’s beds; always thinking up what’s for dinner; doing all the shopping single-handed; ironing anything that’s not hers. "Growing Pains" is published by Hodder and Stoughton at $14.95.

‘The secret is to under-react’

'Single most important task for parents'