Surrogate mother finds sense of ‘self-worth’

Press, 11 June 1987, Page 16

Surrogate mother finds sense of ‘self-worth’

By CLARE CURRAN PA Nelson

Words such as “immoral,” "bizzare,” “unnatural” and "callous” seemed out of place in the plain living room of the little flat above a shop in main street Richmond.

Alester, aged 16 months, played with his toys on the floor, occasionally interrupting the conversation with a cheerful demand for attention.

Looking at his mother, Mrs Jeanette Wilkinson, it was hard to imagine that she was at the centre of an issue that strikes at the heart of a human relationship considered basic to survival — the natural bond between mother and child.

On the surface, she appeared an unremarkable person, a woman happy in her second marriage, with a young son and saving hard to buy a home. But six weeks ago this Richmond woman, aged 28, gave birth to a daughter in a home birth somewhere in Nelson. Four hours later she returned home with her husband Grahame, having handed the baby over to her natural father and his wife.

Mrs Wilkinson is New Zealand’s first surrogate mother prepared to tell her story. Filmed by Television New Zealand’s “Close Up” team shortly after the birth, she claimed to feel unmoved by the emotional bond formed between mother and child.

A few days ago, Mrs Wilkinson’s feelings had not changed. Looking into her calm dark eyes and listening to her story, it was difficult to believe they ever would.

Her decision to bear a child for another couple, for a price, was made long ago and for reasons that go far deeper than a contractual exchange involving a sum of money.

In the last year, Mrs Wilkinson has found a way to gain a self-worth she badly needed, at the same time providing something precious to make someone else’s life happier. Her story looks now to have a happy ending.

In an American court a little over two months ago, a similar event had a much more publicised and controversial outcome after the natural mother reneged on her surrogacy contract, claiming that the maternal bond was too strong.

In the Baby M case, after a big legal wrangle, a historic court decision awarded custody to the natural father, sanctioning the surrogacy contract

Because of the nature of that contract, it seems only a matter of time before a New Zealand court will be confronted with the issue and the legislative machine is forced to grapple with the decision to ban or regulate surrogate mothering. In the meantime, ; the debate continues: Is surrogacy a premeditated, callous act where a womb is rented for a price, or an unselfish deed, creating a new family unit? Relating her experiences, Mrs Wilkinson could be any one of hundreds of young women, who naturally progress from adolescence into motherhood, marriage and domesticity. Aged 17, she became pregnant, married, and had another child when she was 19, this time planned. She separated from her husband when she was in her early 20s. She recalls witnessing then the frustrations of a couple close to her who could not have children — an experience that stuck in her mind.

She then met her present husband, Grahame, who was also separated, unable to have children with his first wife — a situation that had caused

them great heartache. In 1982, Mrs Wilkinson read an article on surrogate mothering in an Australian magazine. The seed was sown in her mind and slowly nurtured over the next few years. Almost two years ago, while pregnant with Alester, again unplanned, she saw an advertisement in the “Sunday News.” “I replied wondering what it was they were after, saying I was interested in surrogacy,” she said.

An exchange of letters took place between the two couples and they eventually met The Nelson couple, aged in their 30s, wish to remain anonymous. They had unsuccessfully applied for adoption in the past and badly wanted a child. The woman, known as “Judy,” had had a hysterectomy. After the first meeting, a friendship formed between the four and has continued. According to Mrs Wilkinson, it has been a big factor in the success of the surrogacy. Impregnation took place naturally between Mrs Wilkinson and the natural father. That she insists, was by mutual consent among the four and caused no problems. A contract was drawn up involving a sum of money witnessed by two lawyers. Mrs Wilkinson is reluctant to specify the amount of money she received, equating it to a living wage throughout her pregnancy. She claims that her motivation to carry the child was not the money. The sum received would go toward buying a home, but was not nearly enough in itself.

“If I revealed how much money I received, it would give people another excuse to criticise.” She asked for enough money to cover the costs of her pregnancy — maternity wear, medical costs, legal fees and

travel. “Anything above that was up to them. “I would have done it for nothing if I had been well off. But I was not in a position to support somebody else’s pregnancy,” she said. So why did she do it? “It was part of my growth as a person. “I wanted to do something that would make me proud of myself. I always had a habit of starting something and not finishing it

“And despite all the critics, I am proud.” Mrs Wilkinson’s story is very personal, involving a special relationship of trust between four people.

The bond between the two couples also seems to some extent to have replaced the mother-child bond Mrs Wilkinson and the baby would have had, The absence of that bond, while perhaps construed by others as inhuman, is no problem for her because of her conviction. She does not consider the baby her own child.

Mrs Wilkinson is adamant that her decision was the right one and that other women should be allowed that freedom. She argues that Mary Beth Whitehead, natural mother to Baby M should hot have been granted final custody, that the contract she made should have been upheld. “But unless you have got it totally sorted out in your mind, you should not go ahead because It could come back at you in the future,” she said. Mrs Wilkinson has no fears for her future, although she recognises that each case must be personal for those involved.

In her own case, the results appear all positive. She has gained selfworth and personal strength, another couple have a badly wanted child, and her own relationship with Grahame

has grown stronger. “Whenever I have needed someone to talk to he has been there. I could not have done it without him.”

The whole experience had brought them closer together and given them a greater emotional understanding and ability to talk. The depth of friendship between the four adults was not expected, nor part of the deal, but had grown naturally. After the birth, Mrs Wilkinson had prepared herself to relinquish all rights to the baby. But the contact had continued, because of the trust, and would carry on. The child would be told by her parents of the unusual situation of her birth as soon as she was old enough to understand, and would also learn of her three half brothers. Mrs Wilkinson’s future role in the baby’s life would be as friend, not mother.

Since the birth, and resulting publicity, she has acted as a contact for other potential surrogate mothers round the New Zealand.

Mrs Wilkinson feels very strongly about the right to decide, as long as the motivation is clear and well thought out. She considers that each situation is personal but that if a contract is made, it should be binding. She said that critics of surrogacy had no right to pass judgment on a woman who chose to bear a child for someone else. Mrs Wilkinson and her husband are already planning their next child.

She does not rule out the possibility of bearing another surrogate child in the future. She feels a sense of personal achievement and deep satisfaction at being able to provide something so wanted.