Random reminder

Press, 22 October 1986, Page 32

Random reminder

GOOD FOOD GUYS

This year’s Polytech exam papers in “Advanced Waitresspersonning” have been discovered inside a wordprocessor that had been used for mixing metaphors. QUESTION ONE: “The longer ’ee makes them wait for their dinner, the more they enjoys it in the end.. Aye, lassie, that be why it be called a waiting on ’em.” — Dickens, 1840. “It was slow service in Gloriana’s Steakhouse that drove me to drink. I never wrote to thank her.” — Wilde, 1890. “I don’t know if I prefer grass to Astro-Turf. I have never smoked Astro-Turf.” — Botham, 1986. Discuss. QUESTION TWO: If tipping catches on in New Zealand, which of the following tips would you expect from (a) Kiwis (b) Aussies (c) Canadians (d) Poms? (i) Silver coins left hidden under a saucer. (ii) Ten dollars and a hug for being “nooclear-free” (iii) “Very nice. Thank you. Good night” (iv) “Bees Knees in the fifth” QUESTION THREE: A 6 p.m. booking arrived promptly because they had theature tickets for 8 p.m. Since 6:15 they have consumed, per person, one slice of bread dipped in soy sauce and several toothpicks. Out the back, nothing has yet been defrosted. The cook has put down the cleaver but she is now feeding teaspoons into the waste disposal. The manager is in tears. It is 7:20. You should:

(a) Honestly explain to the party that if they want anything to eat before curtain-up they should find a fish shop. (b) Whisper that the Drug Squad is only two doors away. (c) the main fuse and cry “Fire! Everybody out.” (d) Do any of the above after obtaining at least cover charge and corkage. QUESTION FOUR: Choose the correct answer. Regulations prohibit tobacco-smok-ing in any premises (a) where food is prepared Or stored, or (b) where food is eaten and meant to be enjoyed, or (c) where there is no ashtray, which is why you put one with every table setting. People who are not cooks, wearing clothing which is unsuitable, incinerating foodstuffs which are not fresh, in flames which are not brandy, too close to the customers cleavage and too far from a fire-hose, are creating something called (a) Sweet theatre, or plumb daft (b) Food You Can Read By (c) “Morceaux de joi d’esprit de son-et-lumiere en flambeaux” or similar hype. Constant adjustment, fiddlery, shuffling, and figetting by you is okay because (a) diners are incapable of pouring-wine, deboning fish, unfolding serviettes, or cutting cheese without professional help, or because (b) simply to confine yourself to bringing into hot dishes and taking away empty dishes is degrading, or because (c) how can you expect them to leave a tip if they have not noticed that you were there?