Time at home with the kids

Press, 31 July 1986, Page 11

Time at home with the kids

ap

MAVIS AIREY

Mike Moss has had “one of those days.” What was supposed to be a special day at kindy just didn’t turn out that way. Then 18-month-old Jessica dropped off for five minutes in the car coming home and woke up thinking she’d done enough sleeping for the day. But her body knew better, and she’d grizzled for cuddles and attention until he ended up doing the dishes one-handed, balancing her on the other hip, all the while trying to make sure that three-year-old Gina had her needs met as well.

“Today,” he sighs, “I’ve been feeling like ringing someone up and saying rude things over the phone.”

Then he smiles. “But it doesn’t happen all that often.” This is Mike’s second spell as principal childcarer. He stayed at home for a year when Gina was younger, and has now been looking after both children since May. This time he intends to do it for two years. “I felt strongly that I wanted to spend some time at home with the kids. I don’t think it’s right that kids should just grow up with their mothers, not knowing their fathers,” he maintains. “It was important also for Ali. She was getting fed up at home, and wanting to get back teaching.” From a work point of view, they found it fairly easy to organise. Mike

trained as a chef, a job he feels it is possible to step out of for a couple of years. More recently, he has been doing building and carpentry work, including building his own house. He still does “odd things,” organising childcare whenever he needs to by swapping with other parents. Both grandparents help too. “If I’ve got no kids around I get an amazing amount done,” he remarks.

He finds it helps to have a routine. He tries to get the household chores out of the way by 11 a.m. On Mondays, it’s more of a rush, because Gina has an early swimming lesson, and he takes both children to the pool. On Tuesdays they go to the Avon Loop playgroup: “It’s not the closest,” says Mike, “but I like the group of parents there.” Wednesday is free, Thursday afternoon is kindergarten, and Friday is for visiting.

“It’s not ideal,” he admits. “I will be pleased when the kindergarten has more space for Gina. The other possibilities don’t give you any time to yourself — and you need that.” Nevertheless, he would recommend what he is doing to anyone. “It’s definitely a growth experience, staying at home with the kids,” he says. “I like it — most of the time. "It brings you closer to your kids, and you learn.

from them too. You get to understand a whole side of life that’s generally closed to men.” He has found other people’s reaction to him interesting, sometimes upsetting. “At places like kindergarten, the mothers steer a course around you. I think it’s partly because they don’t expect to find a man there — it’s a threat to them. It’s something I want to break down and get past. It’s annoying. “Even amongst friends,

it’s quite unlikely they will ring up and ask me to babysit” He doesn’t think it’s because they regard him as less competent as a childcarer. “It’s more subconscious — sexism in reverse. What we’ve grown up with is really hard to break out of.” While he agrees that on a conscious level it has become more acceptable for fathers to look after children, the unconscious barriers change less quickly. “For instance, people say to me: ‘Now you’re staying at home with the kids you’ll have lots of time to do things around the house.’ “But two kids of this age are a full-time job. It’s interesting that it’s quite acceptable for a woman to stay home and not achieve much else, yet they expect me to achieve much more,*’ he complains. “In fact, I actually spend more time at home than Ali, partly because I enjoy it more.” Being principal childcarer has turned out very much as he had expected. “I always think it must be an incredible shock for some men to lose a partner and suddenly have

the family thrust upon them. A lot of guys I know couldn’t even look after themselves.” Nevertheless, he is convinced that full-time fatherhood doesn’t take a special kind of person. “Absolutely anyone could do it. I am concerned about the role stereotyping in our society, and this is one way of doing something about it. “It starts from a very early age,” he acknowledges. "The number one barrier is that men are expected to be breadwinners and their entire education is aimed at securing a career of some kind. “Then there’s the flip side. Unless they’re bright, women are still brought up to believe they have to catch a man and have kids. So they do feel threatened by men doing the childcare. What is left for them to do? It's a shame, because what happens to these women when the children leave home? “I think parenthood should be shared, he insists. I get really angry when I see letters in the paper saying children need their mothers. What’s wrong with fathers?”