Once is too often—yet not often enough

Press, 22 April 1986, Page 19

Once is too often —yet not often enough

Review 1

Ken Strongman

The basic problem with “Dynasty” is that it is impossible to work out what is actually going on merely from viewing one episode. Yet is clear that any attempt to encompass more than one episode in succession is likely to cause brain damage. Thus one will never know, in any detail, what it is all about, which may or may not be one of life’s great ironies. The people in “Dynasty” all have the look of shiny, plastic, inflatable dolls, from some of which a little air has been allowed to escape. They have improbably sculpted hair, and cleavages to the navel, usually peeping through satin nightdresses. Voices have the peace-shattering bright-

ness of early morning starlings, or seem to rise from the walking dead. Mostly, the screen stays full of talking heads belonging to actors who apparently model their facial expressions on a po. x Conversations are about life and are aimed over other people’s shoulders. “What I want to know is why you seem so determined to keep pleasure out of your life.” “Something has gone very wrong in your life.” "I honestly think he only married me for appearance.” “Oh my God, Amanda.” Yes, indeed. All this takes place against a background of music which slides up and down with the grace of wet swimming togs and slurs in and out like pistons made of

custard.

People give one another snappy, unwanted advice as they move rapidly to and from increasingly melodramatic situations. They definitely need the advice, but never heed it. Sometimes, they take a break from this by explaining things to one another, particularly the men to the women, as they explore what passes for emotion in lives which are so centred on the material as to be good models for the budding psychopath.

The settings in which these spells are bound are the stock ones of television soap — hospitals, ranches, offices half a mile in the sky, and opulent apartments. Now and again, as the plastic dolls

weave in and out, a dimly recognisable person pops into view. There is, for example, Michael Praed, who was such a splendid “Robin of Sherwood.” Seeing him in this, it seems a great shame that Heme the Hunter wasted any time on him. Of course, the really famous one is Joan Collins, who plays someone called Alexis. She says: “Dahling, I don’t want to fight, I want to make love.” Whereas, people

say to her: “I will make you the most powerful woman in the world.” She swaggers everywhere, flaunting what she has with the desperate, graceless panache of rapidly advancing years. As she walks off the screen, she is frequently replaced by the advertisements which instantly take on the guise of absolutely splendid television. In “Dynasty” people appear to spend most of their time covering up things which they should or should not have done, and then covering up the cover ups. In fact, so much of their time is spent on doing things behind one another’s backs, that chance face-to-face meetings bring about

small starts of surprise, as recognition occurs. The ultimate falseness of “Dynasty” is that nothing is straightforward. None of the characters are bright enough to carry off the intricate deceptions we are led to believe that they practice. The only way to make sense of this is to assume that because all the characters are deceitful, then they must also all be ignoring one another. For the dynasts, life is like parallel play in young children, or parallel lives in psychopaths. “Whatever happens we can make it because we’ll be together,” she says — and we know from the fact that he is looking over her shoulder that he is not

listening. So, there is not much else to say. It was not possible from one episode to work out anything at all about the plot, or to glean any idea about who was really doing what to whom and whether or not the whom deserved it However, it was possible to see that the series might well go on forever, or at least until Joan Collins decides to call it a day, whichever is the sooner. Perhaps fortified by an episode or two of “Dallas” and “Falcon Crest,” your otherwise faint-hearted reviewer will return to “Dynasty” in a year or two and provide another report. It is unlikely that anything much will be missed in the interim.