Pick your dinner party role

Press, 3 August 1985, Page 14

Pick your dinner party role

thinks he can get away with the same twinkling eyes and fawning smile he gave his mother after he’d electrocuted the cat.

If you want to discourage a male flirt, breathe deeply when he passes you the bread rolls, finger the stem of his wine glass and sigh when he smiles. He’ll soon leave you alone.

A flirt never means business.

The Reproachful Wi/e.Great fun for women seeking divorce. It’s simply a matter of wearing your drabbest clothes, not taking an eye off your husband and listening to every word he utters.

Interrupt him with “That’s not what you said in 1967”. “For God’s sake, straighten your toupee” and “Fourteen years I had to

walk out to that clothesline without a concrete path”. Keep it up and he will fade out of your life like one of those soluble headache pills.

The Clown Due to childhood insecurities, some extroverts are driven to entertain people with loud jokes. If they don’t have the table rocking with laughter every five minutes, they burst into tears when they get home. Like flirts, clowns crave affection. Part of them believes several sets of exposed teeth mean they have achieved love and happiness. The other part suspects these people are merely being polite. Nothing is more hurtful to the clown than the sight of someone laughing with dead eyes. The clown is invariably manic depressive.

The Name DropperSomeone who knows someone who is someone’s sister.

The Bore:A cushy role. Demands total insensitivity. Ideal for middle management men with moustaches who jog at lunchtime and drive Japanese company cars.

A bore is usually an expert on(l) computers,(2) the sex lives of kiwi fruit, (3) Richard Hadlee.

He is always keen to share his knowledge. Someone Who is Thinking of Becoming a Lesbian:Perfect if all other appealing roles are filled. Allows you to belch at the table, swear, ignore the men and smoke a cigar.

Dominant Malerßest achieved by wearing Italian casual gear with lots of zips. Pass no comment on

the wine, the furniture or the limited edition prints. Do not talk at all.

Behave as if you expect the potatoes to be passed to you first. If they’re not, tough luck. Eat your greens. The Astrologer-Marvel-lous for those with dull jobs, no interests and no sense of humour. Get your share of attention by saying “I knew you were a Libra the minute you walked in the room” and “You wouldn’t be saying that if you weren’t a Sagittarian”.

Health Food Addict:Excellent for the unwell. Never eat everything on the plate, on account of insecticides and saturated fats.

Have an allergy to dairy products and a passion for chickpeas. Drink carrot juice. Talk about colons. Get

a job in social work or education. Stains down the front of your Indian cotton shirt are OK.

The Guru:Specially suited to the seasoned party-goer who is sick of making conversation. The Guru looks wise, pretends to be unshockable, non-judg-menial and deeply interested in people’s problems.

Everyone loves a Guru. A Person who Believes in God:Doesn’t always get a lot of invitations. New wave Christians are out. Nobody wants to be converted over the caviar. Or forced to watch “The Herd”.

A Deep Inner Religion that Encompasses The Entire Cosmic Universe ensures occasional respectful silences. Specially if you

smoke a pipe. Bhuddism is OK. Baha’i is better. The Hostess:Worst part of all. Not only do you have to slave all day cooking for these characters, you have to clean up after them. There isn’t even time to enjoy the show.