How to help your child deal with bullying

Press, 25 July 1985, Page 8

How to help your child deal with bullying

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by

MAVIS AIREY

Today the Home and People page starts a new fortnightly series on bringing up children. If you have any subjects you want to read about, write to Mavis Airey, The Parents’ Survival Guide, Home and People Page, “The Press,” P.O. Box 1005, Christchurch. Thursday, August 8: What to do when “there’s nothing to do.”

“Let’s roast him,” cried Flashman, and catches hold of Tom by the collar; one or two boys hesitate, but the rest join in . . . Tom is dragged along struggling. His shoulders are pushed against the mantelpiece, and he is held by main force before the fire, Flashman drawing his trousers tight by way of extra torture.” In “Tom Brown’s Schooldays,” Thomas Hughes was describing life at an English public school 100 years ago, and Flashman has long

since grown up and become the anti-hero of a series of books of his own. But school bullies are still with us. “Most parents will hear at some time that their child has been bullied,” acknowledges a Department of Education psychologist, Lex McDonald. “Many kids at some time probably will try bullying.” If your child says he or she is being bullied, it is important to check the story out, he says, although

he admits this is not easy because, of course, it usually happens when adults are not around. “Check that it really is bullying: intimidation or aggressive behaviour towards someone younger or unable to defend'themselves. "Your child may have got themselves into trouble with a youngster, and want to get in first. “Or they may just be exaggerating: that’s part of childhood. “But if there are obvious indications, such as bruises, or the child is dreadfully upset, you can assume something is going on — though the child may have provoked it.”

If this is the case, parents should inform the bully’s parents, he advises. “This may bring some control, although unfortunately it often doesn’t.” If the bullying is taking place at school or on the way to or from school, the school should be informed, he says. Generally speaking, the school has a legal responsibility for the child at these times. Parents can help their children by explaining why bullying might occur. “People engage in behaviour like that because of the K-off. It may be that the y is being bullied themselves, say by their father or older brother. It may be

some form of blackmail; or just getting the child to cry. “If there is a pay-off, bullies will continue their behaviour. On the other hand, the bully may not be aware he or she is bullying. They may come from a home where there is a lot of physical, dominant behaviour, he maintains. If there seems to be a problem, parents need to teach the child being bullied how to avoid the situation: by not walking home that way, not going where the bully is. He suggests ways in which the child can deal with the situation if it arises. “It usually starts with verbal intimidation. Parents can teach their children to respond appropriately, maybe by ignoring the jibes. If there is no pay-off, that may mean an end to the bullying. “Perhaps they could joke so as not to escalate the situation. Agreeing is a good assertiveness technique. If you can take the sting out of it, the bully’s power base is taken away.” The parents should also alert the child’s teacher. “The teacher can help teach the child these techniques, and also help the bully find alternative ways of behaving, making friends, and

engaging with others in a non-physical way. “One punishment which can be effective is overcorrection. In other words, you restore the environment to what it was before, and even better. A bully can be made to look after a group of little children on the way home from school, giving him or her some care and responsibility, he suggests. But if the bullying is serious, the police can be informed, and the bully needs to be aware that this could be a consequence. Lex McDonald’s advice to parents whose child is accused of being a bully is

also to check it out first. “It takes two to tango. There is usually some subtle behaviour from the other child which provokes bullies.” But parents also need to examine their own family situation. “Ensure that your lifestyle doesn’t support his or her behaviour: do you use a lot of corporal punishment? Do you respond aggressively if there is any dispute, rather than talking?” He believes it is often better for the school to investigate bullying than the parents, because it is less emotionally involved. “Unfortunately, in the past the school’s attitude

has often been to inflict some sort of physical punishment on the bully — just compounding the sort of behaviour they are trying to eradicate.” Now parents and schools can turn for help to specialist agencies, like the Education Department’s Psychological Service, and Child and Family Guidance Centre counsellors. However, parents and teachers are warned to make sure the intervention is necessary. “Otherwise, if we always intervene, we teach the kids that Mum or Dad will always come to help them out. They need to be independent.”