Job sharing around the house

Press, 9 May 1985, Page 8

Job sharing around the house

How odd that the young, when about to cohabit or marry, should be bombarded with manuals, advice and even videos on sex, when they usually know all about that already.

Yet they get little or nothing on housework; and even in these enlightened days, the chances are their parents have been too embarrassed to talk to them about it.

Half the parents are trying to force them through exams and don’t want to distract them; the other half don’t want to force them to do anything. Either way, youngsters grow up with a hazy idea that a clean house comes from God and that it will be all right on the day. No wonder they then hit trouble; and there isn’t even an agony aunt dishing out advice for the houseworn.

There should be — and I can just imagine how it would go. My partner is quite enthusiastic once we get going but the suggestion always has to come from me.

Should a man take the initiative? Yes! Just because it’s traditional for a woman to make the first move where housework’s concerned doesn’t mean she isn’t surprised and delighted if he suggests they might vacuum the hall together. She may even go on being delighted long after he’s actually stopped, if his techniques are right.

How often is normal?

There is no such thing as normal, my dear; each couple is different. The old answer used to be, once a day for the first six months, three times a week for the first six years and about twice a month after that; but this is a very oldfashioned view. Nowadays you can get away with as little as twice a week from the word go. It is a matter of temperament; some like to do a bit each evening after work, others quite enjoy letting the place look like a tip and indulging in an orgy of cleaning at the week-end. That way, you at least see some results. What should I do when I

am not in the mood when my partner is?

This is a commoner problem than most couples admit, and though the cartoon convention is of the man saying “Not today, dear” and falling asleep after Sun-

day lunch, in real life it is just as often the other way round. So long as it doesn’t happen too frequently, it’s probably simplest to come clean and admit you don’t want to come clean the kitchen or sweep the stairs; but if this is happening often, you should face up to the fact that you have a problem and consider seeking help. A daily cleaner, say.

I’ve heard a lot about erogenous zones but my fiancee doesn’t seem to have any. Everybody has some areas about which they are particularly sensitive — it’s a question of finding out which. One man will be perfectly calm about junk in the hall, but furious if someone leaves a dirty cup on his desk; or a woman may tolerate any number of leftovers, bottles and shopping lists on the work-surface, so long as the sink and draining board are clear. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner about the places that matter to you — if he (or she) has any sense, he will welcome information that will save him from wasting

time cleaning up anywhere else.

Is it ever all right to fake it? My dear, there probably isn’t anyone in the country who hasn’t done this at one' time or another, so there is no need to feel guilty. Just remember, though, that while it is easy for a woman, it is far harder for a man.

Women have long realised that if you straighten the magazines, dust the surfaces, polish taps and plump cushions it will be days if not weeks before the serious dirt makes its presence felt. A man, though, may be exhausted from a long day spent cleaning up the mess behind the sofa that was doing no harm to anybody and then, when his energy gives out, walk away leaving a bunch of dead flowers wilting in their vase. Men have to learn that the point of housework is to make the place look good; and that turning round in the doorway to give a room the once-over will/make sure they don’t leave the dust pan and brush in the middle of the living-room floor.

My husband sometimes makes gestures which are distasteful, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying so. This is tricky, as you know he was only trying to help when he assembled all your "scattered” cushions in a neat geometrical pile, reorganised the knife drawer and put back the doormat with its (admittedly cleaner) smooth side uppermost. But remember that if you want his cooperation, you can’t have things all your own way; he must get his satisfactions too. If his innovations don’t offend you deeply, give them a try - who knows, you may even come to like them.

Who should make the bed?

We all dream of a life of romance and perfect sharing. But I have known couples stay up till three in the morning, each hoping the other would finally give in and make the bed. Perhaps after all our mothers were right, when they warned us that as you lie in your bed, so you must make it.