Random reminder

Press, 9 November 1984, Page 37

Random reminder

Let’s Talk Werble. Strange, how one can travel the length and breadth of New Zealand and have no trouble understanding the locals. One can even travel extensively in that large island to the West without communication difficulties — although it does help if one has had a course in Basic Strine.

Not quite so easy is to travel around the Sceptred Isle. Surrey, Sussex and Hampshire are not too bad, but things start to get a bit difficult when one moves through Dorset, Devon, Cornwall — and becomes quite alarming from the Midlands onwards.

This poor correspondent managed quite well until he got to the wilds of Norfolk, to visit a sister he hadn’t seen for 20 years. She speaks passable Queen’s England (or, as they say these days, Thatcherese) but some of the locals are beyond comprehension. On his first morning, he strolled into the garden where his sister was talking with a native who came in two or three times a week to help in the garden. He listened in amazement to a conversation which went something like

this: “I think we should put the clematis against the pergola.” “Aargh, yew dew marble thessem nobble thy drawspatch.” “Well, if you really think so, I suppose you’re right” “Fair numbly winsome clorspik innum drunmore?”

“0.K., I’ll leave it to you then.” At this point, he was introduced to this ruddy-faced paragon and attempted to engage him in some desultory conversation. After some rather disjointed platitudes, evoking some quite unintelligible answers, the gardener turned with a question, to which she answered that her brother was from New Zealand.

“Aargh!” cried he, “Oy frabbled thessen werren fur inner. Um semly dew hawen wier dachsund!”

Completely nonplussed, he looked at his sister enquiringly. “Oh,” she said. “Phil says he knew you were a foreigner — you have such a weird accent!”