Married, widowed, or divorced

Press, 20 July 1984, Page 10

Married, widowed, or divorced

RALF UNGER,

clinical psycho-

logist at Sunnyside Hospital, looks at three new books dealing with important women’s issues.

Marriage. By Maureen Green. Fontana, 1984. 305 pp. $9.95 (paperback). Mrs Green is a journalist interested in the phenomena of family and marriage; and this book is described as a major report, which it is not. It is, instead, a chattily written description of the factors leading up to, involving, and dissolving marriage in Britain, as Mrs Green has observed and thought about these things. She notes there is a major difference between the sexes in their readiness and understanding of marriage with boys having very little conditioning for their future role within it. In early married life partners have to work out such matters as how to live together, what kind of sex feels ideal, independence and separating from parents, and how children can disrupt the adjustment between husband and wife. From the positive aspect she believes that marriage is a “container”—the rela-

Living With Loss: A Book for the Widowed. By Liz' McNeill Taylor. Fontana, 1984. 182 pp. $6.50 (paperback). The word “widow,” according to the author, comes from “vidoy” — a corruption of the French word “vide” — meaning empty. Liz Taylor found herself within this sudden transformation when her husband died from a heart attack while travelling on business thousands of miles away from home. The book is an account of her experiences of shock, the reactions of others, the problems including important financial as well as sexual difficulties, and a rebuilding of her life. The facts that she experienced have been somewhat filled out by small surveys

tionship in which hidden conflicts in the personality of each partner can be brought to life, and the resulting tensions managed and resolved in ways that can help the growth and maturing of both of them. Always, however, is the feeling that women are better fitted for marriage than the men they generally many. "Marriage,” she ends up, “is like the wine harvest. There are vintage years. There are bitter years. Over all, all most of us can try and achieve is a blend that is sustaining and palatable.” Until she gets to this point the author has recapitulated a decade of books on marriage written for wouldbe counsellors, ministers, and the next-door neighbours who are upset by the shouting they can hear across the fence. The book is neither prophetic nor profound, but perhaps being in the eye of the storm is not a good time to take stock of the meaning of marriage.

among her aquaintances and others in a similar situation when a pair have become a single. This is a particularly sensible book. It has no pretentions to any great depth or to analyse in the Kubler-Ross style of the various stages of mourning, but it is all there in a chatty account. Ms Taylor even comes to terms with the fact that in some ways she is now happier than she was living with her husband because she has developed as a person more. It is this honesty, plus all the practical hints of what is helpful, and what is meant to be helpful and becomes hurtful, that gives this book an atmosphere that is refreshingly optimistic in spite of its subject.

Dealing with Depression. By Kathy Nairne and Gerrilyn Smith. The Women’s Press, 1984. 213 pp. $13.95 (paperback). “Feminism,” according to this book, “is a political stance which draws attention to the external factors which limit women’s lives. “On the other hand, doing therapy involves helping people to see the way they themselves are responsible for their problems and is supposed to be politically neutral within this incompatibility. Women often are not able to get what they need for themselves and can get depressed as a result.” This linking of feminism and depression is fashionable, and is exploited to the full in this account which should be retitled to indicate it deals only with depression in women. Women, the authors say,

are forced down, kept down; depressed to be oppressed. It is not a personal failure, but a failure of society. Doctors and “professional carers” have tended to see women as fundamentally weak and therefore accept that they more often get depressed than men, according to the authors. Adult women cannot expect to be “mothered,” as men can, and collapse into feelings of helplessness. The vulnerabilities of women can then be exploited by their psychiatric care-takers. According to the authors, in America 10 per cent of psychiatrists admitted to erotic activities with their patients, 5 per cent having actual sexual intercourse according to one study. Women, compared, with men, have to cope with greater changes in their

lives and it is not surprising that there are times when they feel more anxious and vulnerable. Over all, women in the face of loss respond with sadness, not anger, and are therefore in a continual state of mourning for something they have but are stopped from using in a positive, personal way — power! The book is based on interviews with what sounds to be about a dozen women, backed up by a good bibliography of almost entirely feminist psychological and philosophical literature. It seems a great pity that two clinical psychologists have abandoned the scientific method almost entirely in order to push their conviction — with, for example, only a passing nod to depressions other than those reactive to circumstances: that' is the endogenous or

physiologically caused depressions which account for a very large number within the category “depression.” The “depression” they describe is inflated by a very large number of what could also be described as sad and unhappy women. They also have not clarified the parallel huge increase of reactive disorders in men, such as alcoholism and acting-out behaviour, with the same roots of insecurity and frustration. With a more careful analysis of the “epidemic of depression” it is apparent that reaction to society’s stresses in both sexes has led to more casualties coming forward for help than in years gone by and certainly the sex of the person affected must be a vital factor to be sympathetically understood and worked with.