Random reminder

Press, 4 July 1983, Page 30

Random reminder

SIR COMMA DASH IT

Sir,—You recently published a Random Reminder about our ducks. It was appallingly written and quite un-funny. It suggested that the gumboots of visitors to our Reserve need attention afterwards with high pressure steam and carbolic acid. We are suing “The Press” for $l4 million. Yours huffily, Poplarsave Fauna Reserve. Sir,—Of the twenty-six kinds of animals mentioned in a recent Random Re-minder,-none were female and one, the aggressive loud-mouthed and exhibitionist peacock, typifies all that is worst in the male-dominated macho preserve of trendy media journalism. We are going to set fire to every “Press” honesty box that we can find, to show that women — “wimin,” sorry — are a match for anything (Preposition deleted). Yours, Popular Wimins Liberation Front. Sir,—Are we all blind? Is it not obvious that the future of Western civilisation depends on our being able to export mutton? Surely the encouragement by Random Reminders or otherwise of unhealthy “childhood anthropomorphistivity” or fixation upon baa-lambs, leading to a traitorous refusal to accept freezing works in residential suburbs, is nothing more than a communist plot, as I have explained in my book and in 402 previous letters? When shall the free world realise that such gutter journalism is the thin edge of the Socialist wedge? Yours tendentiously, Eloise Fallowfield. Sir,—What nonsense the P.W.L.F. do

write. “Duck” is the feminine of “drake”; “goose” is the feminine of “gander”; since the rise of the frozen food industry I have had to accept “chicken” as meaning “hen,” which is the feminine of “rooster.” Why don’t these feminists get down to work and acquire Ph.Ds in comparative linguistics like everyone else I know? Yours truly, Sebastian Ping, English Department, University of Canterbury.

Sir—Eloise Fallowfield’s 403rd attempt to blame the imminent collapse of capitalism on the entirely high-minded activities of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics is laughable. Ha ha. Fact 1: Only because the U.S.S.R. bought a shipload of frozen mutton last year for an experimental shish-kebab take-away bar in Kabul is Eloise Fallowfield able to afford replacement typewriter ribbons. Fact 2: No known People’s Democracy has territorial claims on the Poplarsave Fauna Reserve. So there. Yours fraternally, J. M. Herringbasket. Sir,—To show what we think of Ph.Ds in comparative sexist linguistics, we are going to set fire to S. Ping as well. (Signed) Popular Wimins Liberation Front.

Sir—You recently published a Random Reminder about our ducks. It was wellwritten and quite amusing. Our gate receipts have doubled. We would not dream of suing you for $l4 million. Please disregard our earlier letter, which was meant only in fun. Sincerely yours, Poplarsave Fauna Reserve.