A new celibate chic

Press, 15 February 1982, Page 8

A new celibate chic

Suzanne Lowry, of the “Sunday Times,” considers the limits of sex.

A few weeks ago the Pope assured the faithful (and the unfaithful) that the .torments of the flesh would , not be eternal. Although we shall, at the last trumpet, be raised from the dead in ..our male and female bodies/there will be no sex in the hereafter.

Not being a theologian. I assume he means we shall retain the outward and per-, haps inner psychological manifestations of gender, leaving behind the base desires and drives that animate it. We shall, as the prophet Isaiah promised,- be changed; It is, of course, not,-neces-sary to wait'that long for the transformation. For those who want tfr get :into purity practice now, it is rapidly becoming chic to be celibate. At last the hedonistic, promiscuous age is fading into a new era of faith, hope and chastity. , ’ After two decades during which almost all manner of sexual .-activity . ap- , plauded, encouraged, ad- ■' vertised and counselled, sud-’ derjly we are being told that it is all right ,to enjoy not doing it. Is the<backlash (sorry) hitting the-sex boom at last? '* iXs;

There has not, so far, been any hard evidence of a growing cult. I still overhear a lot

of pub and club boasting about sexual prowess but I have yet to eavesdrop on a celibate’s bragging session. Nevertheless, Celia Haddon has written a book which might encourage a few closet celibates to come out and be counted. “The Limits of Sex" (Michael Joseph, £7.95) is a thoughtful and sensible study of what Haddon sees as the new sexual orthodoxy (that’s the cult of doing it. as much and as well as possible, not abstaining) and why its terrible demands have led her, and other erstwhile flower children of the Age of Aquarius. to doubt that sex is fun, natural or even healthy.

Now no-one - could have skimmed the • rape-strewn press in the past weeks without dimly perceiving that sex can be fearful, unnatural and extremely' unhealthy, even fatal. But it is worth remembering that until our post—Freudian, post-Kinsey and above all post-Pill era, that view was applied to nearly al) sexual activity and was not just reserved for rippers and rapists. * Sex to the Victorians was the temptation, the weakness, the fatal flaw,-the bite of the apple that had betrayed humanity. Of course, the Almighty would be keen to keep the serpent out when and if we regain Paradise. Sex was the very devil and to some extent, still is. A lot of sexual imagery, however banal, is the imagery of hell (burning passion,, etc) and sex provides the language with its foulest curses. The efforts of the sex pundits, advertisers, feminists and other gurus, gently decried by Haddon,' have been towards countering this black view, and .giving us permission ; ,to have a sex life which is/enriching', amusing, good enough to help hold together a marriage or a relationship where oldfashioned morality and social taboos no longer can.

The emphasis has varied according to the source of the message: thus sexologists have concentrated on skill, techniques, satisfaction, release from inhibitions etc, while feminists have' championed a woman’s right to orgasm and to have a sexual identity of her own.

The case for sex as centre and source of all freedom and satisfaction may have been overstated by some: Celia Haddon so right argues in/' favour of resisting the pressure towards “achieving” erirthmoving multiple orgasips, or constant potency as provided by, would you believe, the hydraulic penis. We should, she feels, opt out of the whole “effort syndrome" that leads to the notion of sex as some kind of intimate Olympic game.

I have no idea whether more men and women are now more obsessed with their sexual problems and shortcomings, if they are more painful to them in a world of explicit and easily available information and help than they were in the

days when the post bag of Marie Stopes bulged with tales of sexual woe. misery and ignorance. But it. is one thing, as a privileged child of the Sixties, to look back from the standpoint of having made lots of choices, some happy and rewarding, some perhaps catastrophic, and say, in the full light of experience, well, perhaps it would have been better to stay home with mother until a knight in shining armour came along and asked us to close our eyes and think of England. We may have done too much closing of our eyes and .hinking of our own orgasms n the last 10 years, but I for one (while defending anyone’s, including my own. right to be celibate or simply say No), have no wish to return to the dark ages of superstition and sexual ignorance. However much teenage girls should be protected from the “effort syndrome” and a too-much-too-soon sex life, they must not be denied the information we have gathered. . . ..I do not agree-'with Mr Ronald Butt who, in “The Times" last week, declared that the whole trouble is that we. have trivialised the sex act. What we have done is isolate it: the recreational view of sex makes sexual

intercourse a game of squash - which you can play well or badly.: win or lose and turn away from afterwards. Sex used to be controlled by fear, morality and ignorance. Now it is controlled by its sporting status. The ultimate control would be to deny it completely: the celibate choice.

Whatever fashion emerges in that direction, I cannot see it catching on — at least not any more generally than the hydraulic penis. Sqx is not just sexual intercourse, it is life itself, imbuing communication at all levels and with many people in a life time. At its best it is life-giving, both literally and emotionally. ■ It can also be escapist, destructive, frightening, farcical or very boring. But it is not detachable from the rest of existence, and without its impulses we would indeed be dead. As the ancient Chinese knew’ centuries ago when they evolved the Tao teachings which make Masters and Johnson read like Boy’s and Girl’s Own: ..“A man cannot live long without a woman, a woman cannot live happily without a man . . . longing will tire the spirit . . . they will suffer from the disease of mating with ghosts.”