Give a much-needed touch of caring

Press, 5 August 1981, Page 14

Give a much-needed touch of caring

By

BARBARA STEWART

Have you touched your loved ones today, yesterday, this week?

Has your partner, your children, the rest of your family had any loving gesture from you? At the start of the day, during the day, and before thev go to sleep do you ever hold them tight, stroke their hands, rumple their hair, cuddle and kiss them, embrace them and hold that embrace because it’s so softening that you don’t want it to stop? To be held is support; to be touched is contact: to be touched sensitively is to be cared for. These times are highly sexual, but not very sensual — sensual being defined here as body contact that is pleasurable, but not erotic. For lso many men and women only two kinds of touching seem to be acceptable and understood: the superficial and ritualised such as shaking hands, a pat on the back, a hug or uncom tacting peck when greeting and leaving; the sexual, meaning anything that is part of sexual activity. The development of the tactile. sense begins very early in the formation of an embryo. It responds with a withdrawal movement to the touch of a needle.

The embroyo is aware of a friendly or hostile environment.

Touching is essential for normal and healthy development of a person. Yet. in the Anglo Saxon races, it is possibly the least used of all the senses. Babies must receive tactile stimulation such as hugging, kissing, and cuddling to develop as happy and secure children.. And in the months after a baby's birth, loving parents’ response to the infant’s arrival is expressed with this enjoyment of touching.

Unfortunately, this lasts for only a few years, after which there can be gradual, sometimes even a sharp ceasing of this contact. The training of ’’do not touch” starts early.

In shops, friends’ houses, public gardens, among father's tools, or mother's dress making and cooking, "do not touch” is frequently what the child hears. If the child comforts him or herself by touching his or her genitals, then comes: “Don’t touch yourself, that’s nasty” . so eventually the child becomes extremely inhibited about touching, and some form of guilt is attached to what should be a sense of great pleasure. Another impression a child can gain is that the grownups who surround him do not touch each other, except for fleeting gestures. Sadly, mothers and fathers give far less touching to their sons than their daughters as., the children grow older. This can stem from a fear . that their sons, will interpret the touching as sexual, that any sign of loving will make the... boy a sissy, and that he must quickly grow into the masculine image of his father. ' In fact, the father so often is. a person with no ability to give and receive the human touch as- a simple sign of caring. This completely stultifying environment is yet again processing a re-enact-ment of the parents’ inadequacies.

Girls are able to touch with far less criticism. It is accepted that they may

brush their hair for ages, dress in soft and pleasing materials, play with dolls, and dress up in fancy dregs or mother’s cast-offs. So they can permit themselves the practice of touch far more than boys. For boys, their main form of physical contact is eventually restricted to the roughand tumble of the sports field. This is mirrored in their father/son contact, and contact with other boys, by a friendly punch or clap on the back which to them is the remote expression that signals friendship.

No wonder that in this country besotted with rugby football there are apparently so many women unhappy with their male sexual partners. if all many men are capable of is bringing this violent or boisterous assault into the bedroom. Gentleness and softness are not the ways our boys are trained to understand and appreciate. The simple human longing to be held, comforted, and loved by a human touch, all totally unrelated to sexual needs, is unacceptable. We’ve got our gestures all muddled up. Because of this, so many people suffer a sadness, a loneliness and inadequacy which they cannot name or express — or even understand what is missing in their lives.

I remember vears ago in Wellington I had a very close Greek girlfriend who always linked arms with me as we strolled through the streets. I recall the glances of puzzled concern at this gesture which, between two girls, was“’not done” in those stuffy days. Yet, or course, in Latin and European countries everyone links arms, and people appear so much more enthusiastic and generous with their human touch gestures. There shouldn’t have to be an excuse before we touch.

A cut knee, a tearful eye, a broken heart, a death . . . we don't need these qualified reasons. Just let it be that to reach out and touch your precious people is your sign

to them of caring any time of the night and day. Instead of sitting or standing like frozen pokers, you might put your arms around your partner or children.

Hold hands at the theatre. Link arms as you walk together.

What curious deadbeats we are to expect these gestures from new lovers, and then promptly forget or give them up as time goes by. As time goes by we need these touches of reassurance, love, and kindness even more.

One of the great tactile stimulations and pleasures is massage.

Massage is a form of physical therapy that has been practised down the ages. Cultures as widely separated as the Oriental, the Greek and the Roman included it as part of their life-styles. It has been less accepted by the Anglo Saxon races, possibly 'because it employs touch, which I have already suggested we are not comfortable about. There are all sorts of different kinds of massage which I won’t expound on here. The point I do want to make, though, is you don't have to be an expert to give a soothing, firm, circular movement to sore shoulders, aching neck, and tight scalp. While watching television, listening to the radio or tapes, simple massage is something you can easily do with your partner, or children.

One person can sit on the floor whilst the other is behind, sitting on a supportive chair. The person behind is administering the massage whilst you are both engrossed in what you’re watching or listening to. In my household there is a little imbalance in who gives the most and who receives the most of the treatment of massage. Not a matter of great concern, because it’s not important. What is important for all of us is to understand and use our sense of touch in developing and deepening all our human relationships.'