Blowing the whistle on time-wasting rugby

Press, 2 September 1977, Page 12

Blowing the whistle on time-wasting rugby

By

JOHN COLLINS

The decision by the New Zealand Rugby Union’s executive council to phase cut the playing sector of rugby in this country has been welcomed as "a brilliant, innovative, response to present conditions, something along those lines, B-uce, you can tart it up a bit for us can't you, after al! you’re supposed to be the one that’s good with words and we’ve always seen eye to eye. and will you have one more before 1 end the press conference?’’ by a spokesman for the executive c o? the New Zealand Rugby Union. Th» spokesman, who said he preferred not to be identified and therefore met the press under his administrative pseudonvm. Mr Michael Mouse, described the move as “the logical outcome of the ne°d to streamline rughv organisation to modern problems, how does that sound, boys?” Mr Mouse said the decision to do awav with the actual flavins of rughv was a sad but nece=sarv move, one not taken without a great deal of hoart-soarching and Kahlua and milk, ho might add. It should be regarded as “maior surge-v needed to revitalise an ailing snort, not bad. eh 0 I’m fond of a hit of a medical tpsranhor mvself, usually ahmn third paragraph: incidentals-. are there anv m-'-» sf those little nie things with th" ”h’"ned-up potato ha’s or th.omT’ TSo council c .T'd that it bid b-.er,ute incr"asing|v a-esre that ’ u pnlitiea! harklttsh over t 0 Couth A f rir.ibrawls and bad-tempered

displays; and the appalling waste of physical energy and the materials needed to manufacture rugby boots, balls, and clothes — al! these regrettable developments had come about because of the existence of the playing sector of the Rugby Union. Since the main purpose of rugby was to allow middleaged businessmen to take administrative positions that would give them a leg-up in the local community, to enable them to wear blazers and enormous badges and impressive ties, to allow them

to drone endlessly on in assorted public bars about “getting back to the basics,” and t« secure a supply of

free dinners and expensestrips, it =eemed logical that ’he ancillary activities — plaviqa rugb' — could evontually be done away

Consequently, in spite of international pressure and threats from the Organisation of African Unity that no Nigerians would attend the Cust Agricultural and Pastoral Association’s fundraising barn dance, the Rugby Union had decided to send a party of All Blacks to tour South Africa next season. “But it will be a tour with a difference.” Mr Mouse said. “For a start, we’ll be sending a large squad — about 120,000, of which no fewer than 30 will be players. The rest will, of course, be managers, coaches, and all the other necessary administrators, Another innovation is that the players will be given only one-way tickets. For the tour after that, we hope to make the big breakthrough — no players at all and in excess of 200,000 administrators.

“Here in New Zealand all actual playing of rugby will be illegal as from midnight tonight, what?, oh, as from two hours ago, hell. I’d better phone Gladys, but administrators will continue to meet three times a week to discuss vital administrative aspects of the game, such as the venues for international conferences, national coaching weeks, and the design of blazers, new tie motifs, and maximum sizes for blazer badges.” Mr Mouse concluded by saving that the council would not change its longstanding policy of issuing statements of “no comment” three times a week, but had decided to increase to once a fortnight its affirmation that, whatever it did. tV nation was one hundred per cent behind it.