Three dates that husbands should not forget

Press, 23 May 1977, Page 12

Three dates that husbands should not forget

By

STELLA BRUCE

London There will be three occasions in the coming months when a husband has it in his power to send his wife hurrying home to her mother, weeping.

The trouble will lie not in what he has done, but what he has not done — over looked anniversaries that every woman, however; worldly and liberated, still holds dear.

To forget the wedding anniversary is, perhaps, the biggest blow a husband can inflict on his wife’s ego. In effect, he is telling her that the fact he has spent another year in ber company is not something he cares to remember.

To forget her birthday is to show that he is so uninterested in her that he does not even care that she is a year older. To forget the children’s birthdays is to admit that his family life takes second place to his job, his pals, and the world outside the garden gate.

REAL MISTAKE A man might forget all these vital dates simply because he has a bad memory, or because he has left his diary on the bus. But try telling a woman that. An experienced marriageguidance counsellor told me that she is involved in sorting out a case in which a woman walked out on her husband because he had forgotten their wedding anniversary for the first time in 17 years. Perhaps his real mistake was that he had never forgotten it before. Whether we admit it of not, a husband often gets a raw deal over anniversaries.

The year 1977 will doubtless be a busy one for him. There will be new challenges in his job. It will be harder than ever to make ends meet, the pace of life will continue to increase. And he is not getting any younger. Yet if he forgets an anniversary his wife will sulk, weep, or start a row.

What we are in fact saying is: “You don’t love me i any more because if you did, these dates would be [engraved upon your heart.”

His answer, if he could think of it in time, should be: “I’m sorry I forgot, but the fact that we’re actually married is the most important thing to me, not the precise moment that it happened.”

MARRIAGE TEST But they rarely say anything like that and wives go on using the anniversary business as a sort of marriage test: “If he remembers, he loves me. If he doesn’t... he doesn’t.” Nor is the husband usually allowed any clues about the approach of these red-letter days. He must re- . member all by himself, regardless of how much he has on his mind. If he does not, he is in big trouble.

The man whose wife left him after 17 years took all the blame. “I could kick myself,” he said. “It means a lot to my wife and I have always remembered before, but this year I was swamped with work and it slipped my mind.”

How do you feel about your coming anniversaries? Would you brain your man with a well-aimed milk bottle if he was seen not to be carrying the regulation bunch of flowers or box of chocolates?

Ask a few friends, and you will probably find how many wives would like to do just that. “I know it’s probably small-minded of me,” One long-married wife explained. “But the longer we are married the more I come to

value the presents he brings me on anniversaries and birthdays. To me it shows! that he still enjoys being: married.” HIS DUTY But that was about the: only rational explanation I got. Most of the others felt it was the duty of husbands to remember anniversaries, and seemed quite certain, foolishly that a marriage would be heading straight for the divorce court if they did not. One woman told me that she did not speak to her husband for three days after he forgot her birthday last year. “At breakfast I asked him what day it was and he, just said ‘Wednesday’ and, went on eating his toast. I “He obviously remembered after he got work and brought me something in the evening, but it was too late. I vowed never to speak to him again but I could only keep it up for three days.”

sj The forgetting of child-; 1 ren’s birthdays usually j si evokes cries of “You just: ; i don’t care about us,” and [“Look at him — he’s so dis-1 appointed his daddy forgot.” j > Father should have re-1 membered, but a quick phoned reminder at work ; would have enabled him to , get something in his lunch- ' hour.

So what is the drill for keeping 1977 s anniversaries and birthdays the happy events they are supposed to be?

Husbands are surprisingly vague about dates, particularly if they are overworked, so why not drop a hint, a .week or so before, that a special event is coming up i soon?

That will give him time to pick a gift he knows you really want rather than rushing frantically around the shops on the big day, trying to find something to appease you.

j Husbands like to give j their wives and families [treats and surprises, but because they want to, not because they are forced into it. ‘Handle the situation tactfully, and everyone will enjoy the big day more. Another thing to remember if you have a wedding anniversary looming is that it does happen to be his anniversary too. Strangely enough, wives rarely think it is necessary to hand out anniversary presents to their husbands, but why not? Surely he de-i serves to have the occasion; marked just as much as you do? Give him something pimple, say a new tie that is enough to show him that you are glad to have him around, whatever you might have said to the contrary when he refused to increase the house-keeping money. — Features International.