Case of the disappearing President

Press, 9 December 1976, Page 8

Case of the disappearing President

By RUSSELL BAKER, of the “New York Times,” through NZPA New York

T told them my problem, and they sent me up to the Bureau of Missing Presidents. “What’s your complaint?” asked an underling clerk. “I haven’t been able to find a President for nearly a month,” I said.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “They almost always come back.” I made a small scene, and a keen-eyed man with a hunter’s instincts and 301 b of newspapers under his aim came out of a sanctum.

Instantly, I recognised Mr Bean, tracer of lost Presidents. “What’s all this about losing a President?" he asked. “It’s true, Mr Bean — I’ve 'ooked everywhere and the “resident has vanished," I replied. “Which President is it?” “The name is Ford. Gerald R. Ford."

He looked puzzled. “Ford?” he murmured. “Where have I heard that name before?” The underling clerk snapped his fingers in sudden remembrance. “Ford!” he cried. “Father of the win button. He was President back there in the autumn.”

“By golly, you’re right, Ciackers, ’’ said Mr Bean. “It all comes back to me now. Those debates. Standing around in the Rose Garden. What did you say his name was?” “Ford.” “Of course. I remember him. Big fellow. Receding hairline. Strong teeth. And you say he’s flown the coop? Never fear. Bean is on the trail.” And he flung himself back into his office, tore open his pack of newspapers and slammed the door. Two days later the tracer of lost Presidents called at imy rooms. “I have made a complete search of the newsj papers as well as television,

and you’re right,” he said. “The President HAS disappeared.” “Have you no clues?”

“There was a rumour yesterday that a woman in Wisconsin caught a peek of him holed up in one of the back pages of the ‘Milwaukee Journal,’ but I couldn’t track it down. You get a lot of rumours in cases like this. Some wild man called up and said he’d seen the President on a local television newscast in Tampa, but when I ’phoned down there and asked about President Ford, all they said was ‘President Who?” z Mr Bean wanted a fuller description of President Ford. “He’s easy to recognise," I said. “Until his sudden disappearance, he couldn’t resist turning up every day all over the newspapers and every night all over the television screens. Find the man who fits that

description and you've got him.”

“Only one man fits that description,” said Mr Bean, “but he calls himself Carter.”

“A transparent disguise,” I cried. “This Carter has to be the President.”

“Unlikely,” said the Great Tracer. “The one point Carter repeatedly makes — indeed, the only reason he appears to have for enjoying, such extensive reportage — is that he is NOT the President.”

We both wrestled silently with the mystery's dread implications, but Bean left it for me to state them: “If the President has vanished, and the only man who looks like the President keeps insisting that he is not the president, it means that nobody is" in charge.” “Hush.” urged the tracer. "Nobody must know.” "The country’ must know

I “The country must NOT know. If word gets out that there is nobody in charge, think what could happen. Big Steel, Aluminium, Dupont, Natural Gas, International Oil and Consolidated Edison might all simultaneously seize the opportunity to take charge of the (economy themselves and i send prices soaring.” ' “And betray the memory 'of the win button? Never, Mr Bean.”

“I mention only one of the worst hypothetical possibilities,” said Bean. “Mum s the word on the disappearance of this President — er what’s his name?”

“Ford. But the country needs a President.”

. “One will turn up in good 'time. Meanwhile, remember. I America has steel, alumin iium, chemicals, gas, oil, and ■the public utilities on its side.

“And also God, fortun lately.”