They're rocking the natives...

Press, 28 July 1976, Page 17

They're rocking the natives...

STAN DARLING has been “hugging’’ Mars with special long-wave electronic equipment to hear what the “natives’’ are saying about the Viking probe. The following, he says, is a verbatim report:

The shiny thing is there again this morning. We were just shivering off some frost after the long night, exhibiting our reddish tinge to the pink sky, and there it was. We can hear voices inside the thing, and strange whirrings. There are enough bloops and bleeps to make you a nervous wreck. But we Zorgs are too stable to get that flustered by the metal visitor. The voices call us Rocks. They chatter on about looking for life, but will they know we are it? Probably not. Our messages are silent, and we don’t move around very fast. We are -the only life there is in these parts. When a. big wind comes up (and when doesn’t it?),

some of our weaker members get scattered into dust and dart off across the plains. Other than that, we stay put. We hear the voices call our wee ones Pebbles. Day 2— The visitor seems to come from Floogle, a watery planet they call Earth, or Terra Firma. With all the water Floogle has down there, it doesn’t look too firm to us. It looks rather squishy. Junior is becoming a pest with his terrible jokes about Floogle, like “Could there be anything worth than Earth?” He is driving us up the wall (if there were any walls around here to be driven up, we would be up there). Day 3 — The thing

appears to be settling in quite comfortably. Things may be comfortable for it. but what about us? It sets up such a fuss with all its noises. Life must be a lot faster on earth. We’re content to sit around most of the time, unless we get the wind up us. It’s probably just as well the voices don’t know what we are. From what we’ve heard, they don’t have much respect for Rocks on Earth. Rocks are things to be kicked, bashed and blasted — just a nuisance. Or thrown ar people they don’t like. And our colour is a bit suspect there. This reddish tinge doesn’t go down too well with some of their “politics.” tvhatever they are. Day 4 — Junior was

eaten by the thing today. Either that, or he is going to be taken away. He was sitting near it when a folding device reached out, snatched him up, and stuffed him inside. We haven’t heard from him since. Maybe he's being digested. At least that puts paid to his awful jokes. Day 5 — We’ve heard from Junior. It seems he is an honoured guest tn the thing. It didn’t do him any harm, just brushed him all over, looking tor something called “microbes.” He said it tickled. This afternoon. Junior got excited. He was listening to the voices talk about a new Earth mama — they seem to have plenty — for Pet Rocks. Now he wants to stav

in the thing until it takes him back to Earth, where he thinks there is a good chance for a quiet Zorg takeover. He wants to organise the Pet Rocks in every home, then have an uprising. Maybe the Earth voices should just let well enough alone and leave the thing where it is. Day 6 — It looks like the thing is here to stay. If it would only stop yapping away a' night, things would be fine. Even a Zorg has to sleep sometime. With any luck, a windstorm will come along and shove it to some other neighbourhood, hopefully ro some posh place where the glittering Zorgs live Let it lower their property values for a ge.