Rise and fall of a Young Berserker

Press, Volume CXIV, Issue 33626, 30 August 1974, Page 8

Rise and fall of a Young Berserker

(By J

JOHN COLLINS)

We Young Berserkers were in the habit of taking a ‘'pre-prandial potion’* in our private rooms instead of drinking in Bellamys with the other members. This enabled us to have a quiet chat and perhaps a game of domino theory.

I It was pleasant to get tojgether for a friendly plot and I work out our political I stances in a place that did not have too many sharp ob-

jects or hard walls. That evening I set off in my usual jovial mood, hav- , ing just received an invitation to address the United Nations on the social philosr’ophy of Stage 111 Accounting. On my way out I met Sir 1 Kiwi. who was selling nature . magazines in the foyer. “Go • to it. Rob.” he said in greetring. “I know you can do it.” I What a remarkable man! ; I am sure that history will (show that he was undoubtedly the best Prime Minister {this country' had in the 19605.! Those of us w r ho were close; Ito him, and who had had thej; J opportunity of examining his’ mouth for plums, knew a dif-i 1 Terent Sir Kiwi from the manli |the public so often misunder-ji : stood. (Actually. I never fig-1: tired whv Sir Kiwi let this 11 {other person make all his’l {nublic apnearances: but the 11 {reason will no doubt come < lout in his autobiography — 1 .unless it’s like mine.) I The others were drinking It Icoffee and smashing tables h {when I entered the room in T i

!my likeable way. I pounded Imy shoe on the table in {greeting, and they turned to 'welcome me with a cheery, I “Go to it. Rob, we know you {can do it.” For some reason This reminded me of my, : schooldays. when I was ex’tremelv clever; but more of ’that later in the book. (And II am one slinky dancer, in case I don’t get round to’ mentioning that again.) Anyway, I climbed up on{ Ito the settee, and the con-1 versation soon began to flow! with the gossip of caucus—’

I'who’s been seen with Des: i’Monaghan, the cost of super-! > phosphate—and the doings! . of the latest Parliamentaryi i(splinter groups, the Juvenile’ i Armenians, the Pubescent . '.Dervishes, and the Incipient - Kurds. But, somehow, per- ’ haps through the sixth sensei I God gave to only the mem-f bers of the old Common-’ '{wealth, I sensed a tension. ; Of course. I was cheered .{by the arrival of a telegram, {from England saving. “GO’ TO IT ROB STOP WE’ KNOW YOU CAN DO IT

STOP QUEEN.” but I began to feel that if someone didn’t tell me everything, I would "do my block,” as my uncle Pip, who was a gardener at the battle of the Somme, used to say. Finally, one of the others spoke. “Rob,” he said, gesturing towards a passing policeman, “Brigadier Gilbey-Gin has something disturbing to tell you. Do you mind if he tells you the details?” “Not at all.” I answered. “One at a time, and I’ll have them all.”

Gilbey-Gin got straight to the point. “Evening all, now then, now then, now then, what’s going on ’ere?”, he began. “And, incidentally, go to it, sir, we have reason to believe that you can do it. {

“Gentlemen, extensive inquiries into recently published autobiographies have led us to believe that anything not included in accountancy textbooks, the economic theory of Adam Smith, or the social commentaries of Kipling is actually a com-munist-backed threat to the way of life in this country as we know and love it. . “Acting on information received from an American colleague, Mr J. Wayne, of the Big C Ranch, Texas, we have uncovered a plot of enormous enormity. An attempt will be made on you, sir, when you leave the hall after addressing the Wellington Landlords' Protection Society on the social, contract.”

My mind flashed instantly via Hawaii to a small man with a mail-order rifle at a window high in a Dallas'

book warehouse. "Do you mean, Gilbey, that ~ a weak, anti-social, pseudointellectual, socialist, univer-sity-educated union leader from Liverpool has been programmed to interfere with Manifest Destiny?”

“Quite, sir. We stumbled, literally, across the plot by accident. Our suspicions

were aroused when several senior public servants returned from a shopping trip with limps. A thorough Czech in the department led us to the conclusion that the crazed fiend had been practising. “We believe that the same person that was responsible for incapacitating the Prime Minister by infecting his toe will make an attempt to graze your shin in two places — three if he has time. We have considered stationing loyal dwarfs in your trousers: but the overheads would be too high for comfort. “Our only suggestion is, that, when you feel the first' toe touch your shin, you should abandon your usual statesmanlike calm and pretend to go berserk. If you keep moving, the assailant will find it hard to get a clear shot at your shin. Is that clear, sir?” My hour was to come,: then. I had not been so proud since I won all the school prizes, certificates, i etc (more later, pse read on). I replied calmly, “It goes against the grain. Gilbey, but I’ll do it for democracy. Don’t worry, when it comes to my block, I know I can do it.”