Tourist’s Guide To Odious Ways

Press, Volume CVI, Issue 31143, 20 August 1966, Page 13

Tourist’s Guide To Odious Ways

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ABU ABRAHAM

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“Sydney Morning Herald.' J

J ONCE came across I an old English- ! Arabic phrase book for Victorian travellers. One phrase that has stuck in my mind is: “Lo! the train has left the rails!” It is difficult for us to; know how useful this particular phrase was to the average' English traveller in the 1 Orient. But it tells us a great | deal about the kind of people | who travelled abroad in those■ days. They were. 1 would say.i gentlemen and gentlewomen I of excellent breeding, e!e-j gantly dressed, calm in alii adversities, and with Impeccable English accents (what-; ever their Arabic diction was like). I am not sure that travel is more comfortable now than in Victorian times, though one can say trains don’t leave the rails often. Jet Dyspepsia But travel is easier and very much faster. Aeroplanes as large as ships and as packed as Oriental trains leave every few seconds from the major airports of the world, transporting thousands of people to far-away places. The whole nature of travelling has changed, as also the nature of the people who go abroad. What has been gained in time seems to have been lost in good manners. It’s amazing what two or three “jet-hours” can do even to the most well-bred person. He becomes impatient, irritable. dyspeptic and damned rude. Americans Worst Look at the phrase books if you want to know what kind of foreign travellers we have nowadays. They holler at the laundry man, quarrel with waiters, bully the taxi-driver. They behave worst when they eat. “Waiter, this lobster thermidor is not fresh.” “This champagne is not properly chilled.” “Waiter, take this steak troubadour away.” “Call the head waiter.” American tourists, of course, are a class apart. Their neuroses seem basically to arise from their perpetual fear of being poisoned. All In The Book There is a little American book called “A Traveller's Guide to Good Health” writ-

I ten by a doctor who appears Ito have no faith in salads. I custards, soft or curd-type : cheeses, milk, butler, icecream. fish and sea-food, or indeed plain water. This preposterous little book recommends that you travel with a miniature immersion heater for boiling (water (10 minutes) or a ceramic filter along with chlorI ine. iodine or sodium hydroI chloride. “After thorough • shaking, the water should [ stand for one half-hour,” the [doctor says. ■ He quotes with approval the (case of a traveller who once, i "when really supicious of a tropical country he was passing through, are only a hard • boiled egg—one that he boiled i himself.” I This guide to hungry travelling through, ate only a hard i exhaustive glossary, in four languages, of everything the most tiresome hypochrondriac might ever need to say, starting with "I am unable to see, hear, taste, smell, feel, walk, run, eat, digest my food, move my bowels, breathe, sleep, relax,” and ending with the cries of “Ambulance! Hospital! Police! American Consul!” Adds To Troubles With books like this in their pockets, it must be jolly difficult in any case for American tourists to see. hear, eat, sleep or relax. Whether travel broadens the mind or merely ruins the bowels depends. I suppose, on individual experience. But the tendency nowadays is on the whole towards the straining of international relations. And just as it is easy for a doctor to play on the American fear of natural foods, an unscrupulous linguist can exploit the innate xenophobia of the British. Peter Wolfe, a London publisher who appears to have a ghoulish sense of public service, has just brought out an “Insult Dictionary” to assist “the English-speaking tourist who does not naturally possess the gift of tongues.” It contains abuses in English. French, German, Italian and Spanish. Wrong Purpose?

“Existing phrase - books." says Mr Wolfe in his introduction, “helpful as they are, merely tell one how to say meekly such innocuities as ‘Please be so very kind as to direct me to the railway station’; they never give one the words with which to tonguelash a crooked taxi-driver or to crush a surly hotelkeeper.

I And what on earth's the good jof being equipped with the I one word ‘garcon’ if one wants I to call the waiter a repulsive, i evil-smelling layabout?” | 1 should have thought that 'the need of the hour was to ; protect taxi-drivers, hotel* ■ keepers and waiters front crooked, surly, repulsive, evilsmelling tourists. Armed with the insult dictionary, the insolent Anglo-Saxon is going to be evil-tongued as well. General Effect Indeed, ”How many people chewed this before 1 got it?" asked in loud Manchester or New Jersey French will not only unnerve the waiter, but stun every diner in the restaurant. ‘‘You have added the date on this bill" is typical of the tourist ever suspicious of the foreigner. "These sheets are wet: I asked for a bed. not a swimming pool" is an example of the fussiness which some people develop when their pockets are bulging with travellers’ cheques. Though mainly a phrase book, the dictionary also provides a "Hard Words” section, containing idiomatic translations of such well-loved terms of abuse (well loved by the English-speaking peoples, that is) as long-haired twit, hairy creep, useless imbecile, thickskinned pachyderm and feelingless idiot. Misuse Likely Perhaps I am unduly alarmled. Knowing how miserably poor is the Anglo-Saxon's ability for learning foreign languages. I should expect him to mix up the phrases and make an ass of himself. "Was this omelette made with pterodactyl eggs?" will not make any impression on the barber, nor will “How many ears have you cut off today?” on the waiter.