WITH HAMMER AND TONGUE.

Press, Volume LXV, Issue 19813, 28 December 1929, Page 13

WITH HAMMER AND TONGUE.

AN AUCTION STI'DV. j j isrsru'.LT warm* roa Tint rn« > IFt W. 8. ] "Cone inside, don't stand vi d doorway, please. Come a lectio clo»or. Tank \ou vairy much. Ladies and gentlemen. I haf here some thing vieh I do i;od vact to sell. I passed it in j earlier in de sal.'. I haf here a \atch j —one double eased le\.r, stamped and ! 1 i branded. It's w t .rt a whole Tod ot money, and who'll gif tre :i hid.' pass ; it round, tieorct. . . Hat a pool look t.t it, Mr. Take it in yon* hand." ''Seven shilling you'rr bid, sir." said George, s.-ruowhcre in the crush. , "S»?vru shillings! 'Foil ir>v wort, you're hard, aren't you! All right, | seven. Eight shillings; nine. Nine shillings. Lej dere one Isdy or gej.tle ' bud in ny audience to lewl it up and i bid me Jen? Ees derc onrl . . Ten ■ shillings. Gentleman den- 1 i-hoxild I tink so. Vat. a lod of money. \ lit a ; terrible lodu money! I "Now, I haf here :in article—a pair of genuine Ycrmeer fielt'glasses, made , in Paris—a putiful thing, you can »ec for yourself. l>ey'\e got a range ot ] twenty miles on land and tirty mile* at sea, and who'll gif me ten pounds to start it f Five? One J Gootness gracious! One. Twenty-five shillings. Twenty-seven and six. Twenty-seven and seex for de genuine Wrmccr tielt- I glasses! Oh, pass deia in!*' "That.'» his own bid," grumbled a man with a face like dough. '•But they must be good," said another who gave the world a better complexion, "he passed them in at twenty-seven ahillin's this morning. There's no trick in that; there's no cat eh there.'' "It's all catch.*' "Well, I got a watch, a ease of pipes, throe pairs of socks and a pencil for two quid. There's no catch in that." "Oh, pass dem in, pass dem in!" George, in shirt sJoo\es, elbowed his way amongst the people and worked confidentially. "You can't go wrong, sir--they're made by Yeruieer of Paris," he whispered. "Oh, pass dem in!" George raised his voice; "Thirty shillin's you've got here, sir. Thirty shillin's to go on with." "Tirty shillings I Any furder bid! ... All right, tirty shillings. Put dem in de case, George. You've got . de biggest bargain you ever had in | your life, sir. Ask my uncle and de ; ladv cashier's uncle. Vat a lod of money I I shall take a drip round de worltou de profits. I really shall, »n my wort—from Christchurch to Lyddeldon." But the lady cashier, as used to this as to the constant crashing of the hammer, merely chewed gum, and the dark young Jew, handling articles with a conjuror's flashing fingers, chattciod on. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'll tell you vat I'm going to do, c.hust to show vou. Uero's a lofely thing. Here's a putiful golden tea-set, twenty-three pieces, genuine poreeliuc. Look—eggshell china. Look (neatly cupping »n electric light bulb). It's wort pounds of monev, and who's going to gif mo a start! Nobody bid! Eight! I'll start it tnvsclf at one shilling." "Half-a-crown," mi id a house w if", grinning with shyness. "Half d*er town! All right . . . Five. Five shillings. He vein and m. Seven and seex for de lofely golden, set of pure porceline!" A group of young women talked it over, then giggled when caught by th<» sharp eyes of the firm. One ventured "Ten." "Ten shillings. Now, vill you make it fifteen, on my recommendation T (Leaning over.) On my recommendation, lady, von't you!" "Fifteen," from the group. "Sixteen," said a smart young man, buying to sell. "No, sir, look, I von't let you bid against de lady and haf somebody ask whose bid is dat. I von't take dat bid. I'll tell you vat I'll do. lou can each haf one for fifteen shillings. Here dcy are, all like dis, packed in a box. Dey've come all dis way, tirtcen tousand miles to be slaughtered. Who'll haf anodder ope at fifteen shillings! Dc'ro wort pounds. It doesn't madder, we've got to sell—you can haf dem for noding. Anyone else! I should tink .so. Goot gracious me.And the capable lady cashier somehow kept account without fluster. "Now, I haf no assistant —he's busy wrapping tea-sets. I'll haf to do widout.. Oh, tank you, sir. Yes, dat s right. The gentleman says he's bought a lod of things here. Bat shows you. Now, eef you'll kindly hand round d«s wristlet vatch. Tank you. Now, who'll gif me a bid to start it! r>ia is nod rolled gold, ladies and gentlemen, dis is real gold. Difl is a solid gold joolever. You go to any reputable jeweller, you can't buy a vatch dis shape —de fashionable oyster shape for ten pounds. You haf to pay three pounds for a gold-filled one. "Dis is nod gold-filled—dis is solid gold, wid a written guarantee. Haf a goot look at it Who'll gife me ten pounds to start! Five! One! Who'll bid me one pound! Take it in your hands, ladies. Vat could be nicer for a present. You can bring it back if you're nod eatisfite. One - . . Two. Two pound five. Any furder bid! Two pound five, once. Two pound five, twice, for de solid gold fifteen joolever. All done at two pound five! . . . Ladies and gentlemen, chust a moment. I'm going to appeal to you. . No bid? Veil, I always say vat you don't vant is always dear. All right. I couldn't get a furder bid. No harm." Then cardboard boies began to fly to his finger-tips. "Now, you try my patience, 1 u trv your pockets. Hero's a box of half-a-dozen putiful Irish lawn handkerchiefs, and who'll take de box at half-a-crown! Eight! Haifa-crown takes it. Anyone else! Vauts it—takes it—-half-a-crown. . . All done! Right! Article here—pair of scissors—double tempered steel. See! (cutting paper) and one shilling takes de lot™ Tank you. Takes de lot, one shilling. Anybody else! Nobody! Right yon are, "Now—ah, yes—now look. Pis is nod a toy—dis* is a self filler fountain pen dat wouldn't disgrace anybody's waistcoat pocket. All you've got to do is to fill it up at de nearest Post Office, like dis, and it'll cost you noding." "It might get blocked up," suggested a critic of hureaucrae\. "You tried it, sir, did you f Hard lurk. Try one of dese pens next time. . '. Two shillings. Tank jou. Anybody else? . . . "Five shillings for de lofely warm eiterdown. Started at five . . Six . . . Seven. Seven shillings, once, for de eiterdown. Seven shillings, twice. Eight shillings for de eiterdown. Who'll level it up and make it ten! Eight shillings I'm bid for de eiterdown. Goot gracious! You deserve to catch a cold. Ten? Tank you—gentleman dere. "Now, I'm going to ,haf a bit of fun, and ven I haf a bit of fun it costs me money, and I haf got to pay

for jt I'll t'"'l v>'U **■ i do. Couio a S'"' < • * vairy wufi I' r t • -J is: >ie >»• * wa• , pii "t■ t.i » {.•« i* " " 1 ' *'i"t ' ill*. curt .1" t" I i g ' to »' , M.-h an.) <■(•■■■ i ■ - • ••< " ' dat Mil all ti*l■; ■ ■ ' . ion t if ■ i }nl thine *- ts • v i"i If *«; i r.<» I a Vlf of aic*-i! ;:.i, >\ :,\ I. '•».! '•* »»•' !-i I : - lhn« j/< n- . * '» \ <. ' 1 i ?' *> ? ' ' M 111.»> I ion,; 1,1 : ' | hi*.'' in rir <ir> I n n. >• l '' Itiflit <>! fi'h > • t- >* ; ■ "> "«• 1 " " I. I ft i '■ ' ' •: i * f l' I ■' ■* *, 'm" h!i r' 1i * > *>' ■ 1 «'i ■ •• <•"« *' * x "• • 1 ~«» t »•«>. Ib- - . . 'i .-U « m 11.s11 j nt"i -I'" t'" on. On. . ti'l - r . , "" r,,r ami I■> - » «»»"• X ,t1 j |.«it o t »i"" ■ v '• «'£ " 1 1 and rp. X \!! .low »' ' ! "" it» m.i l ■ t« * x * 1,.\ 1 1■ * I 'ln r. ' If •• . y, 1 ««-i> !#>'" 'i- ' I\w i. »rd ■'* ' »<>* '* " billing. ba.'k. '•«' > v-»' ■*' r f "«"] ; >■ not ai:i to.v. Acr 1 mi" »•« n*>. *"'' '* .»»•.»£ in"'i m«n» . !ntrrr»""t ' U,.T.'lv I , ••T" '» t>r >' t '>l* I ' »,.r. ..I ' Hitt'-'- t,!l * ''' >..ur . "* • >..«, thf I'Hirf.'H V V•. >•»> ft.'.- h.-T ngitir >on ». n---i ••• >"■ 1., fin r \ iti-iii"*' III"*: ' ' ■ > ' mo \ 'Mi, l:mh ? T N '•' If *: k ■ , Ml x "I '1 .1" ('" " * %m ' Ml ,1., lor '>oll. ..ml Ml '<" l I'll .lo Now, liorr"s* nlk «i Ri.ro.i.l a I"tVU •« tluug ■ look 31 de col,-in at «M W wipo to ,1« H.,. 111.- folotir would »V' nnv»hiuK V"i' » ".*>l" ' N,,w '. i,,,b4 " lmvoit'fd Ht .'ti'' Itutid ro'l ami twrtf hhilling* my «-ul i« "»«• *htlli«<r- » y,,ur< ' T«o shilling*! Tank vi.u inn oh itnl 1 ■ • • ' '** " hl,! ' oi * }-;, k .l,t . . . Fiftcm . . - Kiglitom . . . *■»«"" • * • Going ou.-«" . . - Oaing • • • Tirty t*i\ i *'Oiug a I tut y thtlnng* Kr» .!• i- aitvone " 'i""U IM-I •»" K«'s dorr on.-, ;.n 1 I'll »>'•■« f'« I'll trout 'ln' pa»r*<m. Taut forward, . I «•»•<! , m k^ ,ia U to treat vol) 1 • >ok ' Hfr« * * r«nt«"*r uiagnitti'i'-nt h.IVN H„ cut lor *• . ou kn.< w \nt it 4 •• vou, and uiy l-id ■'* in«< i« «-»»* Out? siii.i n-a • • 11*1' • ■ * * . , Now, >oii ladif» ' >»1 I ' r *'• bciUpr. ad.-, v Jutd you bid "••• « lings for do i .•internl Vould '< «' •"« nip ten, rould you, lady f" ••It"i* it hard propowtion; I '"* 1 fi*"* 1 * you my only chwjue,'' **W tl»« ll*»l iadv. "Dal dowui't matter a Itrlw wl—• you can lenvo a wmall deboait. * not here today and go no to *in»rrmw. Voold you, lady, l id met« for de ranlwul' "No, thank*. I'm not l*id<li>tg «'l>c odder lady vat hid me tmo pounds for dc a ilk bedapread '"•M yon bid mo ten ahilliufa for de \«trly cantoi nf You can't go «r»mf T«»k you! l>o lady get» if !*<>■»• jf<irw»rJ» plca#f. Here it i» -d« E.P.K.B. teen for ten atalUmft—nis» fivo rhillings- om« atnliiitg nodto^f' IVro you »ro, l»d> Moth aurtionwt *>» d <-u»to«urr lm»r<. and tlit! (n.ly c**hu>r talaed k«'r eje-lida, "I know bf'd d tl»l"* #J»M • •>•*!» woman who aj p ai 1 t«» i»«»w MUM* than tvaa good fir »h r«. "Now, brra'a a« mftbtng to t*« f**' of—here'a a »ntr»««, and *»i covld bo moor. D<*r®'« nodinjt ■k"*f vat uioiicv . an buy in d» •%•!« wurti , . . >tartod »t ft'o j.tumdt . . - isecx . . • Sev#n . . , Utgtot . . . Mim pound tea. Kin# IM a half. Tako it to. «!• utial *ll4 it up, you'd realiae more for H- A* nin«" ton. Nod a shilling * p*e*. AI nine tou! Faaa il in. Ml rtflit, dou't \mit it. It'a nil rtgM •##•* mind . . '* But tha d«rk-«j«d H#brnr I*4 W* finiahed, and tho lady canMor wSMmA. "Ladtea and g*ntlMiMt. Is d«« mm pairaon in my audi«MM to luircl II up and tuak« it tent I>a d«r»t onaf Om*nraa gracious! tt'a mad* by 'BafW* •( Hhcfflold—all aUtoped and branded, a brand to ahow your friend*. • braotl to bo proud of 'like d« mo»Agr»» mm a Rolls-ftoy<w motor «-ar. Na» ymm know vat you'ro tmylag— a thing—aud who'll 1«t»! It »|> a»d W4 me tenf Eeaii't it 'tea*! It magnificent. It "a a gift! It 'a a taeri' flee! 1 Eef you Mi bay It la dm mkmp for double'da money, you eaa kaf it far noding at all. Tea poaadaf Taak air, and you'll tank me aftarwarda. Vat a lofelv thing! "¥cll, ladle* and KwatUmica, 4*l la all on" niy li»t. We will kaf aaoMav lod of putiful gooda to diapaaa tf to morroMr at rl«ve>n o'tloek. ffa ara »•* here to-day and goaa t«-B»»rt*>w. (Bair> tainly, air, for a laathi bit van can haf de article.) Gaat-alfkt, Imlm and gentlemen. My wei«a !• «*arty gone. I should tink ao. Tank yoa *mby much."