THE DIPLOMACY OF ELLIS MINOR.

Press, Volume LVI, Issue 10269, 11 February 1899, Page 3

THE DIPLOMACY OF ELLIS MINOR.

Hexrv Martlkv. is the Corn-hill Mao Ami-It-was a blazing summer afternoon, and Ellis minor was reclining beside his friend Urnuhart, better known to fame as Bunny. There are unwritten laws at every public school, and at Wellborough no self-respect-ing "fellow" can watch a school cricket match without a nig, a cushion, or. in school language, a "keish." and one or more bags j of fruit. It was at a period of the afternoon when tlie school was gorged and content, .and was peacefully watching the Eleven piling up runs, that Ellis minor made a discovery. At such moments the intellect of the school was at its highest, and wags had been known to devise jokes that lasted for terms. "I say. Bunny." Ellis minor remarked suddenly. "I believe Old Jimmy's mashed on your sister." "If you don't want to be kicked, young Ellis," his companion replied, "you'd better leave my sister alone." "Beastly sorry, old chap," Ellis minor said, "but I though* you'd like to know." "Bot!" Bunny said shortly. "It isn't a bit funny. "Well, just look at them," Ellis minor answered, sinking into a recumbent position, and searching in the bottom of the cherry bag. After several minutes Bunny raised liiraself torpidly and contemplated his sister. Maude was. Bunny always thought, rather a responsibility. She occupied the position of governess to the headmaster's children, and, to do justice to Wellborough, that fact in itself was no disgrace. Being a pretty girl she even did Bunny credit in some ways, and at least one member of the Eleven was in love with her, but her presence about the place was disconcerting. It led to frequent invitations to the headmaster's and embarassing acquaintanceships with other masters' wives. His friends sometimes avoided Bunny because his companionship dragged them into female society. Of course Bunny did his best to cheek the nuisance. That afternoon, for instance, he had merely nodded to her. and given her to understand that she must- keep at a proper distance. She was, at the moment when Bunny sighted her. conversing with the individual alluded to by Ellis minor as "Old Jimmy. ' As a matter of fact his age was about thirty, and his name was Arthur Baker. He enjoyed the doubtful privilege of teaching the Upper Fourth, in which form both Bunny and Ellis minor had »3en located for the last year. Three terms in the same form- arc not calculated to increase the.mutual affection of masters and boys. As Bunny watched them his brow clouded. The colloquy certainly appeared interesting, and Old Jimmy was apparently making himself both agreeable and amusing. "What an ass he's making" of himself!" Bunny remarked in disgust. "He always does, Ellis minor agreed. "I told her what a beast he was. Bunny continued. . "She doesn't seem to think so," the other observed. , "I don't suppose a girl could really fall in love with Jimmy, Bunny said. , "I don't know," companion replied meditatively. "You see giris are such awful fools about men. Tliey never really know what they're like. One of my sisters married an utter howler last holidays." "But Jimmy's sucn a cad," Bunny obi'ected, "and after the way he's treated mc, do think she might be rude to him." "Of course,' he went on, after a pause, "I know she was bound to many one of the masters. Old Beetle s governesses always do, but Ido draw the line at Jimmy. I hoped she'd marry Turner. Now Turner, though a double blue, was a shy and unfledged young man, and appealed more to the scnoolboy than the female ieart. Ellis minor thought her scarcely good enough for him, but tactfully refrained from saying so.» "Are you going to stop it?" he inquired. "If it's necessary, I shall have a shot," Bunny said loftily. "I should hurry up if I were you," Ellis minor suggested. "When they Degin to look like that there's generally something on." "She does lobk/a oit rummy," Bunny admitted, as Ids sister turned a-smiling glance at OldJim'my. ;" " '"";■"■ '"'■■■ "If she was my sister," Ellis minor continued, "I'd manage to make it jolly hot for him. You can make it rather nasty for a chap when he's in love with your sister. You ought to be able to get your promo tnis term if you run the thing properly. "Get my promo?" inquired the less astute Bunny. "Yes," his friend replied. "Every time he makes a cad of himself to you, you just* go and rux her up about it. She won't mind badgering him a bit; if she's like my sisters she'll enjoy it. I only wish Old Jimmy was mashed on my sister. You might tell her what a beast he is to mc, too." "I've a jolly good mind to try," Bunny said. "It's* not half a bad idea. Let's go and have an ice." They strolled to the town together; while Ellis, minor with a wisdom beyond his years, and gathered from many sisters, explained the modus operandi to the still doubtful Bunny. Unconscious of their doom, the victims on the cricket-ground chatted on, and if Bunny could have heard their conversation, he might have been roused to even deeper indignation. As a matter of fact, his sister had been engaged to Old Jimmy for upwards of a week, and was at that moment discussing their future projects without a thought of Bunny or his ill-usage. Possibly, if she had been aware of liis proposed interference, she also might have been somewhat apprehensive. For the present the engagement was necessarily a secret. Most of the Wellborough masters migrate -,in the fulness of ' tinie to become headmasters of other smaller schools, and at that same moment Mr Baker was busy stalking the trustees of a grammar school with some success, if the engagement were announced before liis election, he would be confronted with unpleasant parental questions as to ways and means, and to prophesy his election was scarcely -diplomatic. Miss Urquhart was quite content with the arrangement. Every girl knows that an engagement is all the pleasanter before its announcement. For a day or two rJllis minor's idea slumbered. He mooted it at intervals, but Bunny denominated it "too much sweat," and had scruples as to whether it was not "rather bad form." At the end of the -week, however, his anger was roused to boiling point and his scruples scattered to the winds. Old Jimmy put him oh satisfecit. Now, being put on satisfecit is a disturbing process. At WenDorough no form master can cane a boy, but must deliver the victim over to tlie house-master for execution as a disinterested person. Sometimes, in cases of idleness, he is given one more chance. Tlie culprit has for a certain period to furnish the house-master every evening with a paper signed by the form-master, and containing the word "satisfecit, which signifies that the culprit's work for the day had been adequate. On the first evening on which this is not forthcoming the execution occurs. Bunny was much incensed. He had no more fear of a caning than the average healthy schoolboy, provided it was soon over and dene with, but he objected strongly to having it hanging over his head. That is. of course, the beauty of the institution of satisfecit from the disciplinary point of view. "I wouldn't stand it if I were you," Ellis minor observed sympathetically. "I won't," Bunny said, with indignation. 'Til forbid Maude—l mean my sister—to speak to him." "I wouldn't do that, Bunny," said the Machiavellian Ellis minor. "It's no good telling a girl not to do a thing. You go and lay it on thick about how much a wanging hurts and all that, and what beastly cheek it is for, kirn to get you caned. If that doesn't fetch her, you just threaten to bring youd guvnor into it somehow, and that'll make her sit up. Girls do hate their guvnors getting muddled up in things like this, and your guvnor seems to be waxy chough for anything. After some discussion they mapped out a plan of campaign, and that afternoon Bunny presented himself at the headmaster's house for tea. He had been accorded a standing invitation there, an invitation of which it is needless to say he never took advantage. Special invitations were bad enough., After a while the headmaster's wife tactfully left Bunny and his sister alone. feared that a fourth-form boy, who bearded tea at the house unnecessarily, must be in some serious trouble.

"Maude." he observed when she had departed. "I've come to speak to you. ' "If you didn't try to eat muffins and strawberries ;>t the same time, you might do itmore cully," liis sister replied unfeelingly. "Don't rot. Maude, Bunny said; "it's ; rather L-:rious." j "Weald five shillings be enough?" she inI quired. "It"s nob money." he said impressively; j "I shall probably be caned." 1 ''The wretched boy ate a hearty meal," his sister replied withc.ut any proper display of emotion. "What have you been doinV- ! this time, Lionel':" "I'm on satisfecit." ha explained tragically. "What a horrible crime!" she laughed. "What in the world is it?" "It's that brute Jimmy," her brother burst cut. "Oh! she said softly. If Ellis minor had b_en there, he would have noticed the blush. "Tell mc about it." Bunny told her about it. and about the nature of satisfecit. and the pangs of caning. and the enormities of Jimmy. It was a lengthy narrative, with artistic touches derived from Ellis minor, and Miss Urquhart listened with apparent interest There was. however, a twinkle in her eyes which annoyed Bunny. "And now." he concluded, "he's torturing me—slowly torturing he because I'm notclever." "Bosh!" liis sister said. "You're going to be caned because you're idle." "Do you mean to say you don't pity mc?" Bunny asked. "Not in the least," she said placidly. "I suppose you tile-roughly deserve it." "Very well,'' Bunny said decisively. "I"' 1 j write t:» the guvnor about it and see what he says." The twinkle disappeared from Miss Urqu- , hart's eyes. I "Lionel," she said with sudden apprehension, "if yoa do that, I'll never forgive you." "Why shouldn't I?" he inquired stolidly. | "He'll be down next day and make it jolly ' hot for Jimmy. ' Mr Urquhart senior would certainly have i regarded the occasion as a suitable one for a j visit to Wellbc-rough. He had a theoretical hcrrcr of corporal punishment) and a passion rot interfering with his son's school career. To Bunny's credit be it said.that he had never hitherto appealed for parental intervention, nor' at 'that moment had he any j real intention of doing so, but the advice of Ellis minor was persuasively ingenious. The latter had, as one of the masters said, "a bright but criminal future before liim." fc "You don't want father to make another row, do yen?" Mauds inquired desperately. "Don't I?" Bunny rejoined calmly; "I want him to make such a row as two masters and a boy of chr day cannot carry. It'll just about i>ip Old Jimmy." Miss Urquhart looked deeply distressed. Mr Urquliart's prejudices when once aroused were difficult to overcome, and it was unlikely, if Bunny carried cut his threat, that Mr Baker would ever be accepted with equanimity as a son-in-law. Besides, the intervention of a vindictive parent at this juncture might diminish the lustre of Mr Baker's testimonals and references. "Please don't, Lionel —to please me,' his sister said. "Oh," Bunny replied, surveying her with disdain, "I see what it is. You're mashed on that cad of a man." "Lionel I" she burst out reprovingly. "Oh, I don't mind," he rejoined loftily. "Please yourself, I don't very much object. In fact, it's rather a good thing. You can choke him off now." "What do you mean, you wretched boy?" she asked. "Write him a note and tell him not to. Oh my tin hat! Won't he look bilious?" "I won't," she answered indignantly. , "Very well," the graceless youth said, "it's that or the guvnor." Miss Urquhart pondered hesitatingly for a moment or two while Bunny eyed her triumphantly with the air of a successful blackmailer. Then she did what was the most foolish thing possible under the circumstances: she gave Bunny a full account of her engagement and of thedifficulties which he might create* if he brought their father on the scene. "That," as Bunny subsequently explained to Ellis minor, "gave the whole show away." Wliile fully;* agreeing with her.estimate? of the probable difficulties of such a situation; and even mphasising them .with some ingenuity, he stolidly declined to abandon his threat, and reiterated it with even more verisimilitude than before. It took some while longer, but Bunny held the trumps, and an hour Or two afterwards, after a conference with Ellis minor, he strolled with an air of easy nonchalance into Mr Baker's room with a note in his pocket. "Well, Urquhart. the latter inquired, "come for your satisfecit?" "Can I sit down?" Bunny replied carelessly. "For the present you can, 1 ""-the master said, with a chuckle at his powers of repartee, "but I don't see why you should." "I've come to talk to you for a few minutes, Mr Baker," Bunny went on unabashed, "and I hoped -it might be a friendly conversation." "Did you?'' Mr Baker said in considerable astonishment., "Personally I should have had my doubts." "<You see," Bunny announced, "I've not come to speak to you exactly as a master. I've been talking to my sister this afternoon." "OhJ" said the other, turning a little red. "I told her," Bunny continued, "that I was thinking of writing to my father about your conduct to mc lately. It's become jolly insufferable, I can tell you." Mr Baker was on the point of inflicting summary chastisement on the spot, but he managed to contain himself and to await further information. "Of course," Bunny pursued, "she was naturally very much annoyed to hear that any one coula treat her brother in Buch a way, and ——"' • - "Did she say so?" "No, she didn't exactly say so, but she looked as if she .was. She's got a very expressive face, hasn't she, sir?' "Urquhart," the master began wrathfully. "Oh, all right, don't be shirty. If a fellow can't talk about his own sister, whose sister can "he talk about, I should'like to know? Well, though she was very much annoyed, she interceded for you, and said that "if the matter was put before you in its proper light you might manage to behave yourself. I had some doubts myself, you know —" "There are limits, Urquhart," the unfortunate man said angrily. "That's just what I said to her," -Bunny interrupted imperturbably. "She asked mc to give you this note." Mr Baker read the note rapidly. It set out the absolute necessity of mollifying Bunny for the present, and the possibly unpleasant consequences of parental intervention. "You young scoundrel!" he exclaimed, "I've a very good mind to knock you down." Bunny only grinned. I "Do you think it manly, Urquhart," he asked, "to attempt to shelter yourself be--hind your sister? It's not manly, it's not honourable." j "It's jolly convenient," Bunny said. | Mr Baker rose and paced up and down the room, while Bunny watched him with ill-concealed delight. "I'm very much disappointed in you Urquhart," he said at last, "very much. I had hoped you had turned over a new leaf. You've "been working better lately, and I intended to take you off satisfecit at the end of the week, but I don't how I can do it now. It's a most unpleasant position. Much as I should like to, I can't have you caned, because you're not idle enOTgh to be caned ; and I can't take you off satisecit. because then you'd say that I was afraid of your complaints to your father." Bunny looked a little shocked and surprised. He had not supposed that the situation would strike Old Jimmy quite in that light, but after a moment's reflection his equanimity returned. He concluded that this was Jimmy's tactful way of leading up up to a surrender. . - . "Oh, of course, if you ree'now how hard I really work, it's quits easy," he said triumphantly. "You just chuck up the .satisfecit business and we'll say no more about it." ' "We'll say no more about it, won t we? the master answered, eyeing him grimly. 'T certainly shan't," Bunny replied with apparent magnanimity. "In fact, I promised my sister to hush the thing up as far as I could.": "Your natural good foaling would of course compel you to do that, Urquhart?" Sir

Baker answered. There was a twitch about f the corners of his mouth, which Bunny did ] not notice. $ "Oh, I'm all right when I'm treated pro- I perly," the latter remarked. t "Very well, Urquhart," the master said, f "I've decided what I am going to do—subject of course to your approval. I want a j day or two to think over this matter. As a boy of the world you can't, I suppose, object to that. I'll undertake to sign your satisfecits till Saturday, and then you can come and talk matters over again with mc. Would that suit you?"' ( "I'd rather have the satisfecit taken off ' altogether at ouce," Bunny answered. t "Surely," Mr Baker said, smilingly, "you J can understand that there must be—shall we 9ay?—a certain amount of fiction in a deli- J cate affair like this. It wouldn't do —ah ! I see, you follow mc. You mustn't, be too ] hard even on a master when he's down." * "All right," Bunny agreed unsuspiciously * in the flush of victory. "I shouldn't won- ' der if that wouldn't be the best way of get- * ting, out of it. I don't want to be harder on * you than I can lielp, you know." I "Very good of you, I'm sure, Urquhart," ' the master replied. "Shall we say live o'clock on Saturday? Well, here's your ' satisfecit for to-day. I'm afraid we must end this interesting conversation now, or , you'll be late for tea." , Bunny would have been a little surprised at Jimmy's behaviour after his departure. < In his mind's eye he conjured up a picture , of his victim in a state of limp mortification , at his defeat—a picture which he drew in j lurid colours for the amusement of the de- | lighted Ellis minor. As a matter of fact, -i the victim sat back in his armchair and ] rippled with silent laughter. He was aware, j but Bunny was not, of one important cir- ( cumsta-ncv. On the following Friday the l election was to be made to the headmaster- ] ship for which Mr Baker was a candidate. i For the rest of the week Bunny revelled I in the sweets of victory. After a" fortnight i of satisfecit, a period of absolute and entire ] idleness came to him with an added plsa- 1 sure, and he made use of his opportunity to the uttermost. To go into form in a state ! of complete ignorance and without the J slightest feeling of apprehension as to the ] consequences was a sensation which struck i him as particularly suitable to the end of ] the summer term. Ellis minor, as the con- ] triver of his happiness., he rewarded with t gratitude and ices, and the two conspirators ■ exchanged smiles of delight when Jimmy ' nursed Bunny carefully through the diilicul- ' tips of translation, or 'suggested the answers 1 to even the easiest of questions. Those 1 glances of satisfaction were, it may be added, i not entirely, thrown away on Mr Baker. 1 The only regret which Bunny felt was that < Ellis minor could not be present to see him ' exact his satisfecit every evening with an - easy air of contemptuous triumph. 1 Friday night at mc, and with it came a ( telegram to Mr Baker. It announced his ] elcetion to tho headmastership. and Bunny, ' as he peacefully penned a story .or chatted ' with Ellis minor over the prospect of ' "jumping a bit more on old Jimmy to-mor- i row afternoon," was unconscious that one : of lus form-master's first remarks to him- ! self on hearing o{ his "election was, "I must : not forget to buy it to-moirow morning." ; Next to his satisfaction at imparting the J news to Miss Urquhart herself, he looked : forward to tho joy of breaking them to her brother. ■ "Well, Urquhart." he began genially, as. : his tormentor -strolled in on Saturday, "come to have another chat with mc about : our difficulties, eh?" ' "Yes, Mr Baker," the small boy answered languidly; "I came to hear what you thought of doing." "I notice," Mr Baker said with the same geniality, "that you don't trouble to call mc 'sir,' but, of course, now you're not speaking to mc as a master." "No," Bmuiy r said, "I think it's better to drop all that kind of rot." "I fully agree with you, Urquhart, fully," the master answered. "I am quite ready to talk with you as man to man, eh? That's to be the arrangement, isn't it ." ( "Yes," Bunny said loftily. "It's always better to talk to a fellow as if he wasn't a servant, you know." "And wliat do you expect mc to do, Urquhart V Jimnry asked. ""I suppose," Bunny suggested", "you'll drop the satisfecits altogether now.- They seem to*me scarcely necessary." < "Do they.?" Mr Baker replied, with , a marked change of manner. "I don't agree with you, and what I am going to do is to give you the soundest thrashing you ever had in your life. Bunny started as if he liad been shot. "I said," Mr Baker said menacingly, "that I was going to give you tlie soundest thrashing you ever had in your life. Did you hoar me?' . "You can't; you've no right to," Bunny stammered. "I have no right as a master, Mr Urquhart, but as man to man—as man to boy." Bunny began to turn pale. "Under the circumstances, Mr Urquhart, you can fight if you choose, you know,but I shouldn't advise you to. I think, perhaps, -it. wouldn't hurt quite so much if you took it in the usual position." "I'll take jolly good care that Maude will never speak to you again, Bunny burst out desperately. "I am inclined to doubt that, Mr Urquhart," the master said. "I discussed the question of this little operation with her today, and she particularly asked mc to add a few of the very best ss her contribution." Bunny winced and made one last attempt. "I wantf to appeal to the headmaster," a right which is generally prerogative of the Wellborough boy. "Not the least use, 'my dear Mr Urquhart, not the least. I have already discussed this with, him, and he agrees with- mc that it is entirely a matter to be settled .'between'ourselves. I think we might as well get to business now." He went over to his cupboard and produced a cane of the lithe springy kind which Bunny wis aware by experience produced the most salutary results. "A good one, isn't it?" Mr Baker said gleefully, as he made it whistle through the air. "I bought it specially for you to-day.' I was a little divided between this and a thicker one. Your sister preferred the thicker one, but I told her it's possible to do better work with one of these.' "My father--—" Bunny burst out. "You can tell your father, mother, aunts, and nurse afterwards, Mr Urquhart—afterwards. I should bo;obliged if you would kindly kneel over that chair." Bunny sheepishly rcse and knelt on the place- of execution. The cane whistled through the air as Mr Baker made a few preliminary passes, and Bunny waited for the blow. A minute passed, then another, and no blow came. There was a silent pause for tho space. of some five minutes,; and then Bunny looked round to see what had happened. What met his eyes was Mr : Baker standing in fits of silent laughter, with his hands in his pockets and the cane gone from view. "Who's got the laugh on his side now, Mr Urquhart?" Old Jimmy inquired. "What do you think as man to man?" "Aren't you going to cane mc then?" ; Bunny asked with a gasp of astonishment. "Much as you deserve it, I am not," Mr Baker said. "You sec, in a month or two ; you'll probably be my brother-in-law, and it would scarcely do to step into the family j over your semi-recumbent form."' I Bunny stood looking shamefacedly at him, j and the tears began to gather for the first time in his eyes. "Urquhart," the master asked, "do you < think you baha-ved exactly nicely to your ( sister—not to mention mc?" i Bunny's emotions under the reaction be- j gan to grow almost too much for him. . "There, there, Urquhart," Jimmy said in j a more kindly tone, "let's say no more about - it—except this. I may be wrong, but from one or two tilings I've noticed I don't think you're entirely responsible for what you've done; and if you would kindly punch: ■'. the head of the fons et origo mail, it might •/ give satisfaction to both of us. .Now, Tet's '■' have some tea. * I believe I made some other ! purchases this morning.." , ' ' When Bunny emerged from the.room an hour cr so afterwards, his opinion of .Jimmy w«*s entirely changed. He summed him up as a jolly good sort, and .was ready to- receive him as a man and a brother-in-law, and. this, though he was again on satisfecit of a real kind. There were only two persons who really r*

gretted such an" end to the episode. One was Ellis minor, whose head was severely and un- _ gratefully punched. The other was Miss Urouhart, who maintained that Bunny ought, to have been thoroughly and mercUessly flayed.