A POLITICAL PICNIC.

Press, Volume LII, Issue 9019, 4 February 1895, Page 3

A POLITICAL PICNIC.

Dramatis Personal

ACT I.

•Weekly Press/" AN ORIGINAL OPERATIC EXTBAVAGANZA IN TWO ACTS. t . By Semicoloj**,

The Hon. Mr Sudden (Premier of a certain place). The Hon. Mr J. G. Word-3 (little else), fhe Hon. W. B. Lieves (in Himself). The Hon. Mr Chuck Muckenzie (explain* itself). Kins Plaisartt (King of Id.eland). Danjpu and Sylvander (Courtiers). Phyllis (An Idlcland maiden). Churns of members of the Government, Idlclanders, Pages, Courtiers, &c.

Scene :—A picturesque glade in the South Pacific Island of Idleland. Chorus of Idle-Anders discovered. CHORUS: In our sunny, southern sslo All our liouta ire idle; B*skl-£ln _pol!o's smile We Utaiw t_o=g_t_r Cay or dials Listlenly - c dream, the **_ile Past _U -worries sidle! Bat 'neat, our drowsy deep contest Lies a _Tiera_c« hearty. Kero liberty altho' wall meant Is apt to pall; tis eridant That what we want is Oorernment,— GoTernmont by party! PHYM-S-Yes, a life of absolute liberty, such as we enjoy, is apt to become monotonous. With every want satisfied we imagine ourselves happy—no doubt we are happy, in our barbaric way; but think what heights of democratic bliss we might attain to if We were governed by the elected representatives of the people 1 Look at our neighbour, New Zealand, and see what a perfect delirium of political excitement it always enjoys I Damon—Yes, we are behind the times. *pls majesty, our king, Is certainly very kind to us all. We never want for anything, it Is true, but what we want is to be made to want. We seek to be interfered with, and the only thing that will sufficiently interfere with us is a people's Government 1 Sylvandeb—And think of the ecstasy that Now Zealanders enjoy of never knowing what will happen noxr. Something is always happening under a Liberal Government, but whether it ts a libel on legislation or a tourist hunt, nobody knows. Enter King Plaisant and his train, CHOBU3. All bail, to yon we sing! Your subjects, loyal bind! "We weloomsyon, our King, King cf Idleland! Kino—Any new grievances? Phyllis—Yes, one, your majesty. We want to be governed by party. King—Bnt don't I satisfy your every wish! Sy-vandeh — Except this one, your majesty. Damon—You «cc, we want to be governed by our representatives, men who have been themselves among the governed. The essence of a labour government is that its ministers are chosen from the class they legislate for. The Minister for Labour is always a democratic navvy, the Minister for Lands, a successful farmer, and the Minister of Justice a man who can recover substantial damages in the law courts if his character is attacked. It is obvious that your majesty could not f ulfll all these conditions. Kino—Perhaps not. But— (looking off)— Ah, here domes the postman. Enter Postman, (He distributes papers and exit.) Kino— {opening Weekly Pr_3_.) Hal Here's news) Listen {reads.)

A TERRIBLE NATIONAL CALAMITY!

P tOSS OF THB EH'TIBE GOVERNMENT t BLOWH OdFtO SEAJ Last Tbnrtday the whole Government party of New Zealand, including the Hon. Sir Sadden, thrao of the Ministers, the Boot. Messrs Chuck lluokenzle, W.. B. Lievea, and J. O. Words,-and the whole Gorerament aide of the House, loft on their usual weekly excursion in the Government . pleasure steamer " Seon-No-More " Just alter their departure, which «u timed to strike »£a3a predicted bjr Capt. Headwind, agaleactmaUySpr*Jig.a|>,«adhas continued with unabated force erer since—curiously enough, just as Capt Headwind had pre* dieted! Aβ nothing has been beard of the vesael ainoe, it la feared that the party has been blown out to «ea, and hta perished. 'J ho Opposition are certaia that owing to the Gorenunont'i lack of stability, the «Wp has long ago gone to thobottcni. A snb« ■oriptiom list his been opened for the relatives of Ihe drowned politcltna. There will be no dlffloalty in disUibnting the fnnd, as all the relatives of the lost are in Oovernment billets.; Sir Bobert Bnodt has i_ been oxpoiated President, ana reoommonde no search to be made. Hersgaris the lose of the Government a* a> eatisfaotory solution of the partyfOrersment question. Kino — Such is the untimely end of

Government bj labour-liberals. PnYLLis—They were too good to live long.

Enter a Messenger (hurriedly). Messenger—Your Majesty,. great news. A strange ship has come into our harbour, with a very quaint crew, seemingly chiefly unemployed tradesmoo.

Kino—What can they be. Surely they are not the lost Government! What is • their vessel's name! Messengbu — The Secn-NoMore, your

Majesty. EiNQ-Thea it mast be they! Fate has brought Iα party-government; and here it Is! All—Hurrah for the labour-liboraltl

Enter the Strangers (comprising the 1100. Mr Sudden, the Hon. Mr Chuck Mackenzie, carrying a dictionary of unparliamentary phrases, the Hop. Mr W. B. Llcvee, the Hon. J. G.

v Words, and others.) King-All hail, most illustrious liberals! all hail, you paragons cf political excellence 1 iDLKTJLNDKne— AII hail, Ulustrloosliberals . all hull!

SUDCKK {aside to Chuck Midi)— l say, Chuck, what do they meant Surely they know who wo are f CnucK {aside to Sudden)— Majbe it's a joke. Illustrious liberals t sounds like one.

Svddhh (ttVl ai»i|e)-I never heard myself called a paragon of political excellence before. Our own side never went so far as that! They don't know us Chuck. That explains it. {Aloud) Thaukaall, we appreciate your kindness. Kisa—Wo know yonr atory. If before you depart this Isle you would inculcate in us a few of tha leading principles of that clorious Über'alism you represont, we, in our poor barbaric \ray, would be grateful. StfDDßN— Are you tho king? Then shake. I'm oue myself, The People's Uncrowned. . Phyllis {to Sitdden)— How condescending of you 1 Sttddbn—Well, yea, so it-is.* Hi3G —I'm merely nn hereditary monarch, while you are the undisputed choice of your country—tho position bequeathed to you by your last loader t Sudden—Well —.res. ' _. ; U. LiKV«s—(asii<)—There is doubt on tha| matter, . J£xsu—TJ/ Vour reign, every one fs hapr ■•eperous. Xour taxea are par Suor when'we arc jf v - - •> apd uses, you

Kikg—How the press must praise you 1 Suddex—They do—that is ours do. M. Llfcvcs (««&)—Or else we have 'em np ■'forubeJ, or withdraw the Government Kfi?G—Then, in deference to the wish of iny subjects, I herewith haod over to your care the Government of IdlelancL The Treasury lies at your disposal-: Pray proceed to disburse it in the Interests of party Government. Bow like you onr offer ? Sudden—lf you will allow us we will at once hold a Cabinet meeting to coneider the matter. We won't be long. Our motto has always been " Politics manufactured while you wait." (Saddm, Chuck, B. Licves and Words come forward ; the rtst retire). StJDDEN—My advice is accept. Who knows what will have happened before we get back to New Zealand. Why {horrified) they might even have abolished Party Government. {All shrink). B. Lieves—Then let us stay here. Splendid field for socialistic experiments! WoßD9—Unlimited wealth to expend 1 Chuck—Unlimited acres to appropriate 1 Sudden—An invincible majority i B. Lievbs—And no unemployed 1 Words-No private banks t Chuck—No Scobie 1 Sudden—And no Stout! .\ The Four—Hurrah I We'll do it I Sudden (to the King)—The Cabinet meet* ing is finished and this is what we have decided :— Quartette and Tarahtelle—Sudden, Chuck, B. Lieves and Words. IVell aet up party government this happy ial«. With all tlie trtoki of pelitlos onr victims we'll beguile. Our little waya will never be exposed to cross detiaion, For there is sot the sllf litest semblance ol opposition I We won't allow a newspaper; all printers ahall be shot, For newspaper! are, aflar all, & very libellous lot. Aad tourists rode we shall exolnde, for we do not desire 'em. And when they're spent their petty eaah out of the State we'll fire 'em! No opposition and no Stoat, no Soobie and no papera, Jnd.that is why we cot these cabalistic capers I Chorvs—Thej Ul set np party government, &c, 4c. Dance. Curtain. End of Aet 1.

Act 11.

Scene :—Roonviu palace of King Plai3ant. Sudden, Chuck, B. Lieves, and Words discovered dressed magnificently. Sadden crowned and sitting on the throne. Sudden-So we're all right. Everything has been worked beautifully, and we are (life Ministers of this happy isle, with a party that votes solid for every Government measure. A state of tilings that earns your highest praises. B. Lieves—As before the election we were all woman's franchise, all liberal, all labour, all self-reliance and all temperance, no wonder we got in. Chuck—Yes, and when my scab was threatened by his lite Majesty that idea of Sudden's of fixing the polling day a week before his . application reached his hands was excellent. Sudden—The chief wonder is (lowering his voice) the people believe In us! We have nothing to fear after that. : WoßD9—By-the-way, here's the list of ' billets wanted. I presume we start with the railways? Sudden—Of course. Have you the list of the railway servants to be dismissed, as settled by the working man before the election? B. Lieves—Yes, though I haven't been able to prevent the Opposition from . hearing of it. Sudden—No Knock off those . marked and take on the same number from our - supporters relatives so). OnucK—There, are many more. First . there's Smith. What could Tie do? B. Likvks—Don't think anything. Sudden—Ah! I have it. Has he erer been in a fire brigade ? Chuck—Never. Sudden—Then he'll do nicely. "We'll make him inspector of our 30ft boee. Xloso thatt Chuck — Msn, thaat'a graand 1 there's Jones. been on a railway has he? B. Lieves r-Never seen one. I see, we'll make film a Commissioner, eh ? SuuDßtf—Yes, or a minister. Say ft Minister of Tramcara. ' Ton can't have too many ministers. How many more names are there on the list? Words—Nearly five hundred; couldn't make 'em all ministers. Sudden—Noi not yet. Put 'em on our public works as unemployed. B. Lieves—Too many. Not to-day. Take 'em yourself. SUDDEN-Well, I hardly know—ah! I have It t We'll create 500 new offences • and appoint 250 Government experts and the other 250 Government in* spectoie I , Thb Others—Hurrah 1 ,The very thing! (Exeunt aU but Sudden). '.■■■. Sudden—And now for my interview with Phyllis* Poor little girl, I'm afraid I t led her ou; and now sho adores me with an ardour that is awful. I may have patted her cheek, but that was before the election and her vote was vita). Now she protests I offered to marry her, and is dyiug for love of me. It is very embarrassing, even for a Premier.

Enter Phyllis (carrying a lute). Sudden—Ab, here you are. What, brought your lute with you*

Phyllis—Yes, love; you promised toeing to me.

Sitddun—Did If (asiie) It muefc havo been before the election. (To Phyllis) Well 1 won't: disappoint you. What shall I sing! . Pbylli»—Sing me one of the songs of your land. Some simple lay that finds an echo ift every human breast. Sing, aweet and low, some plaintive, houlthrobbing ballad. Sing. (Sudden sits; the accompanies him on her lute).

BALLAD— SCBDM. Somebody wrote a letter, Frir*te and confidential; Some ot its contents aucb. \rsr* Socreeytros essealialt Somebody saw it era it Ootto its destination. Somebody t> the pipers Sent it for publication f . 'Tmi perfectly plain as r'»H eta be That tomebody did it*-eojs»b9d-»-*I Kobody knew who.did it. Someone who shouldn't ougTiter # Editor, messenger, or c's» Enterprising reporter! Kobody seemed to know on Whom they conld rigatly blame it; ; And it belonged to no one, Kobody roio to claim it! 'twas perfectly plain as plain co-Id b# That nobody did it,—nobod-e-eJ Sonebodr conld no loader Stand th* whole state , * derision | Somebody told O'Hara To »et up aa Inquisition ! And the Commisrion found that— While the cool Editor waited— There was a Tory important _^; Somebody implicated! *J *Twae perfectly plain a> i>l-«*n ejjtt'-X U» ~*l%a» someboJy in the filiuiait-cfc*? I . - *>- • • V _. the repart is issued, \ fiiledto Fox itt . jbiitor nukes a statement, luto a coded hat knec'i* it. Samebody says he'a fflaJt ihxa else is acquitted ; Editor doesn't ety anything— - Nebody knows who did it! Twas somebody did it, eertainle*fr- r Bat notody knows that t Phyllis—Ob, my love, when _, yonr voice, soft as "e lofo. \ v iorn dove, fails on eve I ,'i

you mustn't. I won't have it. Phtljjs—iSttt yon promised to marry me and feJee me to yoar house. Suddes—Did I! I had no idea, {ponders: suddenly relieved). Ah ! I have it. It - jnttet have beea before the election. JEsxllis—Yon said yon would give up emokinj?«nd drinking, and give me a fairaso where I could do just as I liked. Suddkk—Exactly, before the election. There, dont cry—it's always done. But did yon really believe all 1 said! Phtiais—ol conrse.

Suddew — Dear me, how very extraordinary! I can't explain it. Everybody actually believes in us. It is an omen. Something is sure to happen. Everybody believes in us! (Exit pondering).

Phyllis—Sb! yon throw me over. "Well, I'll Jbate—l'll have .my. revenge—l'll jpiii' the Opposition. (&£U). .. % u pilfer. King 'JRTsi?«n£. J^*G—Political freedom to j pall. Things have generally conae a cropper. I am novr leader of an Opposition that is powerless against a solid Government majority. First the Government introduced their Ministerial Salaries Increase Bill— merely as a matter of form—and when I ventured to protest in an anonymous letter to the Gazette they rushed their Libel Amendment Act through in jSJner sitting; and are only waiting;-fajjjqre they proceed to deal with me^dijcS''the passing of the Opposition Torture Chamber Consolidation ActJV Then when I had (ander the provisions .of the Ministerial Perqhi.«jites,Jß'ree ; P,a^s > *' Special Train «nd Election Expenses Act) paid all the Ministerial expenses, they imposed the Empty Treasury Tax, by which I had to pay theth\all over again. Next they passed the Spoils to the Victors' Bill by a solid party vote, and only -last night they provided for our expulsion from our native land by the successful passing of the Undesirable Oppositionists BUI. It is too much.

Enter Chorus of Icelanders (now members of the Opposition) led by Phyllis. Phyllis—Your Majesty, thie is a revolt. Place yourself at our head, and we shall drive these interlopers back into the sea, demolish party Government and restore reason. Idlelanders-Hurrah 1

King— But what dees the Government eay? ' ■'}-.'- Phyllis— Wβ have them here; s*our Majesty can question them. ;f; Enter Sudden, B. Lieves, CfnlcTt,. lYofdf and ; Government. (They are inc^iynet- ! dress, and bound together with chains.) Kino-I much regret that jot fie placed J in this position, but it's doing. jB. LiEVES-fcever b«ed 0 united government before J Suddun—lf this -is a 'rcbii&Jßmmjfoe won't j allow it. We'll resign' to the country. Phyllis—You are already on your way to the country—gaol! * j Kino—lf you wore to resign it would certainly simplify matters. Sudden—We refuse. Phyllis—Bat you said you would. Sudden—Perhaps so. It was merely a cleric*} error. Kino—A clerical error ? * ' Sucdkn—Yes, It often happene. Ifc is.very useful, too. Listen, and I'll tell you how it is done. SOMO—SUDDEN (WITH CHORUS OF GOVEBBMBHl). ! It a post y6u intend for a very old friend, A. nice little, warm little billet, Despito the plain fact there'a existing an act That doesn't allow him to fill it! If a question of party yon m»k3 it Yoar followers you will inveigh; ' j Tkeir opinions they'll sink and they'll«» -ily wink At the foot that the j ob ia illegal! | Choetjs (Government). I Onr opinions wo sink and we easily wink At the fact that the job iaillegaH i - ■■■ .'I,- :.<■• v-«r-tv*;'"> ->. ••.?:*(-. .p- •■.- -"-V ■-■.:.• .. " It the other side weak (for H*»baly a ollqne), !. ' Can't do anything, wild tliough it rages. ! Except stipulate that yonr friend,' any rate, J Will have to do work without wages I . i Yet put him at once in his billet, . J By scruples you needn't be troubled, He'll work a will for the present—for nil, , Aud next session his screw shall be ! Chorus— /■ I We haven't a will, so it don't make as ill 'Xhat nert aosbixiu his screw shall be doubled. c-rjjfjqfcjit.ypur.small joh the country to rob " ''■ By chance sots the poaatry ablaze, sir ; And. people and press niiiW to confess: I Twasa very di3boaouraUe fray, Birl ■ ■ ■ J A retreat there, is still you have left you, Ton paralyse all—an Jno wonder! \ If yon merely explain with a simper urease* It was simpl/a clerical blunder! Caoßus— ' ; ■-, • ■.; ■■ • . ;;- . "'. •;:.■■..■ • ' Yes, time and again he's opt to explain It is simply a clerical blonder! . ' King—ln this island |we detest clerical blunders. However, provision will bo made for your future. Under the ' amended provisions of the Spoils to the Victors Act, the government rank and file will get seventeen years hard; Mr Chuck Mackenzie's term of imprisonment to last until he sees a joke, for which purpose a daily supply of Scobie'a Bait will be imported and submitted to him. Mr W.'-B. Lieves shall make acquaintance with labour —hard—labour in the concrete. He shall never be unemployed. We intend to secure Mr J. G. Words's aeaietance to found and work the J. G. Worda's Treadmill Company, and the J. G, "Worda's: Unlimited Loans \Asso* ciation. Ms Sudden we scarcaly know what to do with; he is too Rood for us. Wo'll send him back to the only country that rlies to his intellectual ievqi, tho only that appre«UJ%r- hlni; the <>nly country that believes in him—New Zealand 1 FINAX.K— Chorus. King Plaisanb and diorus of Idielanders (as ihe Government are Ud off to durance vile.) *

Eo iread from illiberal labtmr'3 brief reign, Oora ia in truth now a frte-ltnd! We'll send back their premier o'er the Tri2o main. And tho natives will never pretext or eorapl&ia ; They'll welcatno hiea» glad that thoj hare him ajain— ... . Il'd • carious place it New ZeaUndl Curtain. ' ■' End of Extravaganza.