SEAKOH LIGHTS.

Press, Volume L, Issue 8482, 13 May 1893, Page 7

SEAKOH LIGHTS.

I never pats a photographer's shop without seeing two or three portraits in the show cases of sweet boy and girl undergraduates in full academical fig. No doubi proud mammas covet these evideuces of tho prodigious learning of the genius of the family. But the unfeeling public aro apt to regard them rather as proofs of a childish vanity. There may be some excuse for a graduate posturing in gown and trencher j but these have generally picked up enough sense in their College courso to prevent them allowing tho photographer to make an exhibition of thoir little iutirtnitios. The matriculation examination is a ridiculous farce in the New Zealand University ; candidates are admitted on Fourth * Form papers if they get any marks at all above zero. And since anyone who matriculates is entitled to wear tho gown, it doesn't seem such a very great matter to be proud of.

Nor do those graduates bring much more honour ou their Colleges who never sign a laundress' receipt without tho li.A., or who encourage the tailor to M.A. them iv hia bill. It is only in an official signature that the affixing of the "magic letters" is by auy stretch of good taste permissible. Yet I have seen programmes of smoke concerts which announced that Mr Jimmy Jones, M.A., B.Sc. would sing "Ta-ra-ra-Booin-doaye." It may be the prevailing fashion in certain scats of learning "ayant the Tweed," but the graduates of English Universities are usually conteut to let the public forget their academic greatness, and not unfrequently are modeßt enough to forget it themselves. To parade it in the vulgar way some affect only serves to bring learning into contempt.

I cannot compliment the "City Councillors" and "Ex-Mayors" on their little scheme of starting Thursday "Three, penny Pops." in opposition to tho weekly concerts at the Tuam street Hall. It is an open secret that Mr Edou George is fiuancinlly interested in these latter j and the pretence of organising threepenny concerts for Derrick's homo is too trans* parent a veil to cover the real motives of the manoeuvre. Thcro arc other nights in the week than Thursday and other men iv the town charitably disposed besides " ExMayors " who would bo glad to promoto bo deserving an object. Mr George makes an exhibition of himself in tho Council; and the Councillors have my sympathy if they cau toast him on their own ground and suppress his irrepressible uuinptiousuess. But when thoy carry tlio war outside the Council Chambers, and try to injure his privato business prospects, they will cease to have the public with them for all their small-minded cleverness. " Charity covereth a multitude of siiiß." In this case I am afraid it is otivy.

An example of tho Special Settlement Com* petition. "E. A. 11.," iv tho WoodvilU Examiner, mentions that two Associations wanted specially to settle a certain curtain choice block, callad the Land of tho Rising Sun, having simultaneously sighted it Irom the Pukotoi tops. They raced homo. Woodville posted its application ; the post wasn't good enough for Pahiatua, which sent its Secretary. Surveyor-Goueral tent for his letters at 9 a.m. At 10 a.m. ofilco opened, and in went Secretary, was told there was no previous application, and returned to Pahiatua rejoicing. Later information was that Woodville's letter was opened bofore 10. So Pahiatua got the block adjoining, and said the public officers had boon got at.

Fbeeman Kitchen', presaiiian, late ceased, has been resurreotod in Dunedin in the poison of " Temple Vane," " theatrical agent." It is pleasing to note that a passion for double-barrelled numeß is not peculiar to mundane existence alone. Iv tho interest of the fair clairvoyant for whom the " Vane " acts aa agent aud treasurer, it is to be hoped that the " ghoat" of Freeman Kitchen will walk iv more senses than one. Dunedin people seem surprised at this freak of Mr Kitchen's in having bis death advertised and changing his name and whiskers. If, like mc, they had ever read the Zealandia magazine, they would be surprised at notning from its editor. But if the editor has turned up again, like a bad ponny, it is at least some consolation to know that his paper can't be resurrected, That, happily, ia as dead as a doornail.

There is a Canterbury farmer who, in spite of the progressive land tax, is tbe happy possessor of £50. For the last three weeks to tho consternation of his poor wife, ho has slept with his money for a pillow, a blunderbuss at his right side, a carvingknife at his left. But finding his wife a health breaking under the strain of porpetual anxiety loot " it might gooff," he came into town last market day with his tricophorated mouoy bag. Ho made anxious enquiries as to the number of Banks doing business here, and aa to their soundness, and finding there were five all sound, he carefully deposited £10 in each. The story ends happily, aud tho farmer's good wife will sleep in peace. In Melbourne the denouement would have been different. He might have waked up next morning to find the whole five banks which ho had selected "suspended," and possibly have suspended himself—from the ceiling.

"The spoils to tho victors" is rapidly becoming the acknowledged motto of Government in New Zealand. Previous Miuistries havo doubtless made occasional appointments on other grounds than merit aud fitness for the post, but they have at least made some pretence of impartiality, and never avowedly abandoned tho principle of appointing to poßts irrespective of party. The present Administration, however, make not even a show of upholding the priuciple; they have openly sot it at defiance, and every appointment they have made, from Agent-General to Land Tax Assessors and Factory Inspectors, has been a reward for party services. Electioneering touts and lamp-post demagogues have been pitchforked into vacancies, and have had places made for them quite irrespective of their talents or qualifications for the work.

The results of this are already becoming manifest. Two of the army of J.P.s have already proved their absolute unfitness for office of any sort—least of all judcial duties. Mr Welch's connivance at tho Special Settlements swindle was the first scandal. Scarcely has his resignation been accepted before another ' Liberal' Daniel come to judgment behaves himself like a blackguard in the streets of New Plymouth, and has to leave the Bench for tho dock. Some people pull long faces over these things. They ought to smile. A few more scandals of tbe same sort Will soon make the colony rise against this administration, and disgust them with this greedy game of "ins "aud "outs."

A co-respondent gives mc some amusing particulars of the unveiling of commercial " shoddy" when the Ruahine's cargo was discharged at the Cape, after the fire. Part of it cousisted of pianos—and they looked terribly dissipated and " tore up" when they were unpacked. The "real" walnut and mahogany of their cases had shed its veneer under tbe heat, as au actress's lace sheds the paint under vaseline, aud there exposed to the pitiless daylight, stood tho rough, unplaned, unmist&keable deal. The " ivory " of the keys looked like cocoanut ice gouo wrong in the frying-pan — a white, pulpy, shapeless mass of unmistakeable celluloid. Inside the cases of the pianos were rammed full with mandolins, flutes, fiddles, aud instruments enough for a whole orchestra—in defiance of Customs regulations. A " Bophometio baptism of fire," as Carlyle would say. Alas for this ago of wooden nutmegs, when skim-milk passes for cream I

There is a charming domesticity about this year's fashions. A lady with limited means oould dress herself iv the pink of fashion by employing the resources of her own kitchen. Let her put herself inside a herring barrel or a stove pipe, and it will look as graceful as a Watteau cloak. Set an inverted soupplate on her head, and she has a hat of tho season. Do her hair up in an onion net, and then you have her—quite a la mode.

Last Saturday I discharged my wrath against that, hideous vulgarism " seowehall." In toy indignation 1 forgot another objectionable locution—in this instance pocu* liar to house agents. Tho English language has an inexplicable but firmly established idiom "to let." " Bouse to l«V r is found good

enough English for both Queen and Dean. But not for the self-respecting house agent. He has kindly taken this erratic idiom under his wing, and patronizingly restored it to conventional respectability. He advertises houses "to be let." This is really very kind of the self-respecting houseagent. In his anxiety to prove he has had some " schooling," he exhibits a charming mixture of conscientious regard for the English language and illiterate ignorance of its idiom. Is the present vulgarising competition Which obtains among the churches they Canvass for souls as impudently as an insurance agent for " lives," and employ their beat talents in aspersion of " the other office." One of the outward signs of this is the fashion of advertising the texts and titles of sermons as a quack docs his nostrum— Many of these have about as _men sense aud as much wit as a Water bury ftouundium. As ii is much in vogue, however, I suggest to Mr lsitt t:iut he advertise his text for ftext Sunday as Tiuiuttiy 1. v., 23, "Drink no longer water, out uke a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thy of tan intirmities" —--of speech. The Cabinet have suddenly awaked to the fact that sue Miuisiers are able to do the Work of the country. Hitherto they have found seven w*s at—oiuteiy necessary. The best and ablest oi taein all has gone, and yet they had they can reduce the number. Why uleu the necessity hitherto tor the Seventh —the supernumerary Waid? Was he introduced as uuiier to keep the othei - six cweet:

** A_THoi;«:n many futile attempts have been maue uy tne Canterbury .A., and P. Association t«> import martens from Australia, it seems that iterse_ ii going to suppiy the waat. J So the Lyttelton Times ou Tuesday hist. The " Farmer's Friend " on the lyttelton Times who supplies this information so mieiestiug to farmers, has seen " some »f these usciul birds " at Kew Brighton, —ud now " quue _ Hock is to be seen nyitig over u»s uiti clay-pit." lam really sorry lor tue LytuUuu 1 imes man; he has evidently **got em ag£.i_." When a man sees smkes ou his bedroom ceiling it is a sure si_n his mental faculties arc D.T. rivratiug. When he die_ms oi Luue rabbits witn red bell-toppers it is time to call tue doctor in; but when he sees *• tioc-s of martens " dying over an old clay pit he is beyond numau aid. I need not remind tiie lear_ed reader that a marten is a quadruped, a carnivorous animal of the genus musteta, allied to the weasel, about 2U inches in leugth, witn a bushy tail «f 12 inches. 1 have heard of a*• dolphin l—p a tree"; but a weasel on the wing is '"beyond mc. The Editor charitably suggests that marten may be a misprint for martin ("a _ird of the swaltow kind '), but the word is printed twice with an c iv the same paragraph, ami appears both in iitar and Timet iv the same lurin. Besides, I cannot believe such a farmer's friend as the Editor of the Lyttelton Times would allow a printer's error to vitiate the value of his interesting and accurate information for farmers. There is uo escape from the melancholy conclusion. The Lyttelton Times man has " got 'em again." The Bohemian.