When a Man Gets Married

Bruce Herald, Volume XXIX, Issue 2956, 29 April 1898, Page 1

When a Man Gets Married

"If you would just gpb over youi foolish pride about carrying bandies it would cave us a good deal that we now spend for expreessge/'said Mrs Torup kins to husband at the breakfast table one Saturday morning; " I'm sure that I Bee other men carrying bundle-s---lots of them. And here you go right by the markets and it wouldn't be any trouble at all for you to run in and get some things. Mr Jones and Mr Smyth md others do it, and it would bave utever so much. Tompkins, who is a very suburbanite, happened to be in a saving mood that morning, and he surprised his wife by sayiDg: *'I don't know but. you ro right my «lear, and I'll try it. As you say, I come right by the markets an my way to the train, and we've simply got to cut down our expense in some direction. Muke out a list of the things you I want to-day and I'll bring tbem. It was a good deal beyond tho usual time when Tompkins came home tbat evening. His wife bad beeu wedded to him long enough to know that her iiege lord was, to put it mildly, mad, oefore he opened his mouth, but bhe said cheerfully : " You're late, my dear." "Late!" he burst forth. " It's a wonder to me that I ever got home at all !" ■' Why V " Why !" mimicked Tompkins, "you ever give me another marketing list anp you'll find out why!" " I guess I'mjapt to find out, anyhow." " I guess so too, for — why under heaven couldn't you get cranberries out here 1 I doubt it I've got a dcz^n left of the two quarts I w*s fool enough to buy, for the bag they were in burst and they dribbled out all way to the train and " Why, Will Tompkins!" " Tes, aud tbe two dczen lemons I was fool enough to buy just because you put them on the list, broke looae from the bag tbey wero in and rolled on just when I was in the middle of a street crossing and I didn't dare to pick them up for fear I'd be crushed with the crowd and the teams, and I didn't get but two of them and they're all over mud and — — • " Why, Will Tompkins!" "And if you ever wheedle me into buying another roast of beef and lugging it home in my arms you'll know it? It was raining like fury when I came out of the market with that beef, and the paper around it got wet and peeled oft", and then I was streaking through the streets with nine pounds of uncovered, bloody, raw beef under my arms. Got my hands all over blood until I looked like an escaped muiderer! I'd have flung the blamed beef into the street if it hadn't cost so much, and " " I'm sorry, dear, and " "You'll be sorrier if you ever ask me to lug home a dozen eggs again j I put them in my overcoat pocket, and somebody jammed up against me and tbere they are in one big, nasty, cold omelet in my pocket, and " "0, Will!' " You'll say «O, Will ' when you look into the other overcoat pocket, for I put into it that blamed bottle of pickled gherkins you wanted and I slipped on the shiny pavement and banked up against a lamp post and smashed tbe bottle all to pieces and then I had to go through the streets with a lot of vineg-tr drribbling from my coat pocket and ail over my clothes, aD d I " tl It waa too bad!" "And when I fell I flung the roast of beef about ten feet into the air, and it hit a lady in the back and glanced off j into a mud puddle, and she said I was no gentleman, and threatened to have mearrested, and right in the middle of it a man came up with six links of sausage dangling from the end of his cane and said, with a fiendish grin : « You dropped them, sir.' I'd have denied it but he laid across my arm and went o££ giggling like a fool, and I — " " Oh, excuse me, Will, but I can't help laughing," " I'll bet, by George, that you dont g^»t a chance to laugh at me again Boon for the same cause. I've done my last marketing 1 You say 'market' to me again, and I'll take the first train to Oklahoma, where 1 can get a divorce for less than tbis cussed marketing bout h*s cost me ! I'll be ready for supper when I get some of the mud and blood and eggs and vinegar off of me ! Ketch me going to market again !"