Wit and Humor.

Bruce Herald, Volume XXII, Issue 2265, 15 May 1891, Page 3

Wit and Humor.

A pretty girl's face value 5 is! g^eatfy increased by the possession of a wealthy papa. Families ar,e a good dear Kke. oipoitßl^ ; i?oo muoh regulation will make 'fch|eia'go'wrong. x 'I'm afraid, ijphnny/^.said tW M^nndaygobool teacher rather eeyerely^ "..Vthat. , $ never meet you, in heoyeni' . {Wby?if.,l^hat have you been dpiri' ndw P" ' " \'\ -„ ' „.. jt Mr Bingo-V? Here's a bill for gaß.',' : j!Mrß Bingo— 'But tjbe gßß.has been , pffiall summer/ Mr Bipgp4-' J^ell, 'thu.iß, aj s b)ll for the gas that was turned; off.' \ t ','"']. v '.^~. 4 country editor tried to write an elaborate ; article on i ' Woman's .Influence,' i < and; < .was J aorely distressed to find it printed next morning 'Women's Influenza.' .. ' , ii; ;. h J • You donft love meiany more, John, f The , idea of getting home at this time of/ night !' • Why, my dear, it's a. great deal- learUeic than I used to get home when I was, poltftingjyou.' Caller — ' How perfectly devoted you > ; are ! 'to your husband !' Young . wife — 'Yes, r <T am trvi&g to pet and- spoil him; bo that 'if I die and he marries again, no other > woman can live with him.' ,■■.■■ i .•urr^o ;n •> Young husband (meeting' his wife I ' at "the railway stitton) — ' Di<ih'» I telegraph ■to ycu not to bring your mother?' 1 ' yonrig*'wife— ' I know ycju did. That's what she came W^eee you about. She read the telegram.' <••/ •>f A ltfcle girl asked a minister the other, day, ' Do you think my father will gd to- heaven? 1 Why, yes, my child; why do you f ask; P' ' Well, because, if be don't have his -own "way there he won't stay long, I was thinking.' ; v Doodle — ' Did you not hear, what I said, Mies Mabel ? I said that I loved you • loved you with all my soul, my mind, my every thought.' Misß Mabel — 'Yes, I know, but that all seems so little.' ' - Miss Nancy— 'l cannot marry you, Air Winkle.' Mr Winkle — 'If you cai he "so cruel as to refuse the suit of one who loves^ou as much <»8 I do, then you are not Worthy'' 'of a love so great as mine, and I do not love you. Eternal farewell !' ' Flowery language. — Buxom Widow (at flower — ' Do you '' understand the language of flowers, Dr Crusty ?' Dr Crusty (an old bachelor) — No ma'am ' l!i Widow— ' You don't know if yellow means' jealoUßy ?' Dr Crusty — • No, ma'am, yellow means biliousness.' Watte — ' Aren't you ever going to get tired of ' shopping ?' You never seem to bring anything home. Where's the fascination in it, I'd like to know?' Mrs Watts— 'Oh, r I like to look at the new goods, you know, aud to see what lovely things I could get if I had only married rich.' Miss A. — ' You had to run after the men last night more than some of us like to do, dear, but you were certainly the" belle of the occasion.' Miss B.— ' I the bell ? Why, C^pt. Oatling said ihat you were the belle^r-theiielec-tric bell, don't you know, always- to be found on the wall.' ' Thomaß (a lover) — 'I suppose, Susie, that there comes to every woman, sooner or later, an irresistible yearning to lay her head ! upon some strong man's shoulder, and give vent to the outpourings of a full heart P' Susie (timidly)—' Yes, Thomas.' Thomas—' Well, Susie, if you feel that way, my shonlder is at your disposal.' ; ' Do you know,' she said, that olook reminds me of you every time 1 look at it. Do you notice anything peculiar about it ?' ' Why, no ; I really can't siy that I do,' he replied, as he drew nearer, 'except that it doesn't go.' Then he got red in the face, and in r a few momenta vanished. - ' You call Roxley a conceited man ? He's always runningJhimßelf down. I've heard him say he had no memory, no imagination,/ no faculty of doing things like other people,, and he hated to look at bis own insignificant image in the glaaa.' ' Ye*, that's his way of saying that if he'd had the making of himself he could have had dono a much better job than the Lord did.' , •. Amy — 'Young Mr Dolley has proposed to me.' — Mabel— ' Of course you accepted him ?' A.my — ' Wei 1 , no. I had expected to; but in his proposal he used an irreconcilablefigurebf speech, and I thought I could not risk,, my life's happiness with him. He said, ' Amy, will you walk with me down the stream of life ?' If he had even said wade down 'trie stream of life I could have accepted him; but the idea of walking in the water !' •