Wit and Humor.

Bruce Herald, Volume XXII, Issue 2263, 8 May 1891, Page 5

Wit and Humor.

Two eminent scholars were discussing educational' questions in a ; very profound way not long since. • Wbatwaa it;' said>'ohe to the other, 'that struok you most forcibly: in the oouwe of your education fh ■. ' Theschbolmaster,' said the other.. ; :;■?-,/..;!

The minister r waa calling, ,ior. .~reor[uitfl "''for temperance 1 work. 'In oiie 'little) tow,n,' cried) he, 'there's seventeen '^irvmills ; J J t^jat's where we want to go, brethren* 'YCA^yfea/ shouted a red-nosed, sleepy indJVidualia' ,'the rear of thechuroh, 'let ? s go nW/ J : ' ° JV , ' •,-'■.. ■ ' .■'•■!■ ' ::'r\:( 1; . >; ■>'"?, Madame — 'Dp you know, I'm petting dreadfully stout ? I've just diepoVered that I weigh 2401b.' Monsieur—' "V^h ere" were you weighed r: Madame—' At., the, . butcher's.' Monsieur—' Ob, v^eH then, -you' can taook. !off aoout half the Weight at least ; ( we know his scales.' ■,■■■•;■>!'■■• j

A. simple arrangement, suggested' by the New York Weekly :— Bride elect— *Nowy tiow shall we manage about chtjroh ? We -oolong to different denominations, j.ou know. Shall I go with you, or will you, go with me ?' Bridegroom elect — • I tell you what* You tell your minister that your*e. going to my church, and I'll tell my minister that I'm going to yours. Then -we won't be, .misled, and we needn't go anywhere.' '

Mrs Slimdiet — ' Before going for your trunks, Mr Newboarder, you might as Well sit down to dinner. I will have an 'extra plate put on. Of course, I did not expect you to-day.' Mr How many boarders have you, Mrs Slimdiet ?, ' • T ; welve. You will make the thirteenth.' • Thirteen, at fable! I wiJl wait until supper-tine. I fear if the thirteen of us sat down to table, one of us would die. You have only arranged for twelve, you say ? ' « Why? What would the thirteenth die of?' 'Starvation!*! "' '

Salesman— ' Well, whatcher want ?'■ Customer — ' I want to buy a hat.' Salesman' — ' Why, dido't yer say so ? Move lively, now. This ain't no morgue ! ' Customer-r-f I don't like to bespoken to like that.' Salesman— •Yer don't?' Well, watcher stoppin* . the wheels 'f trade fer ? Did yer ever see a real bat?' Customer— ' That's enough! Q-opd day.' Salesman — 'Just Wait a moment, eir. I recognise you as the ticketbeHer at the Imperial Central Station. I tried to buy a ticket of you yesterday, and I've just endeavoured to give you an imitation of the way you treated me. What's the size, sir ?'

A puddler went tbe other day to get his child christened. ' What name,' asked the parson, 'shall I call the child!' 'Thoo can caal the kid owt thoo likes/ says tho father. ' Well,' says the parson, 'I think Benjamin is a very nice name.' Varry weel,' says the father, 'call him Benjamin.' The puddler came out of the church wMi his wife and child, highly delighted with the name, when a thought struck him. Hushing back to the church and overtaking the parfon walking down the aisle, be exclaimed, 'Hey, Mister, the young squeaker's a lass.' The parson was at a 10-s what to do under the circumstances. However, he put in an • a ' at tho end" of the name, and they called the child Benjamina.

Several paragraphs (says a New Yo^k paper) have been going the rounds in relation to the habitj of great men, which, as usual, are all wrong ; inasmuch as we hare had the pleasure of dining and hobnobbing with all the great men of thiß and every other country on the face of the globe. An illustration will prove this to the satisfaction of everybody. Mr Seward generally rises from bis bed in the morning about the time ha gets up. He rarely, if ever, eatß his breakfast before he gets it. Ho is not particular what kind of food he has if be is provided with what, he calls for. In his dress he is plain— never appearing in public without. his pantaloons. He Dever wears his vest outside his coat. Eta speaks his native dialect without a foreign accent. As an evidence of the methodical "pre cision with which he attends to business, it is only necessary to alludo to the fhcfc that he invariably draws his salary the moment it ia due; his memory in this respect is prodigious. He generally writes on paper, and uses a pen, winch at intervals he dips into a stand of* ink that he koeps upon his table.